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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Monstrous Captions
If you should feel any discomfort during the procedure, just send me a signal by breaking your constraints, smashing the room, and burning the nearby village. This won’t hurt a bit…until I flip the switch to send 10,000 volts of electricity through your body. Sorry, I know you requested a black chest restraint to match […]
Posted in: Captions
Scary Posts You May Have Missed
October 27, 2011
I complied a list of past posts that might be relevant before Halloween and guarantee you’ll be the hit of every party. In yesterday’s post some readers mentioned they weren’t familiar with Rebecca Black of ‘Friday’ fame, maybe because they were too busy wasting time reading books. Read how the song Friday haunted me so […]
Posted in: Columns
What Do Justin Bieber, Gaddhafi’s Hat, and Hanging Chads Have in Common?
October 26, 2011
Just when you thought you had the perfect topical Halloween costume planned, the biebshell story broke late yesterday. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez adopted a puppy together. And now isn’t it obvious everyone at your office will be scrambling to jump on the biebwagon and create a GoBiebz puppy costume? You probably remember exactly where […]
Posted in: Columns
Monsters Groan For Equal Rights
October 25, 2011
Monsters have made great strides in the last few decades as society becomes more and more tolerant and chooses to celebrate our differences. This means vampires, zombies, and werewolves have emerged from the shadows figuratively, although they often remain in the shadows literally. But some critics worry tolerance of monsters has gone too far and […]
Posted in: Columns
Tips for Introducing Your Monster Boyfriend
October 24, 2011
Your parents never like the guys you bring home. They just can’t understand why you always seem to be attracted to bad boys. They called your last boyfriend a ‘monster’; how will they react when they learn your new boyfriend really is a monster? Literally. We may be living in a progressive age but don’t […]
Posted in: Columns
Chinglish Medicine Cabinet
October 23, 2011
Whenever a doctor prescribes medicine for an embarrassing condition, I’m usually not worried about leaving it in the medicine cabinet because nobody will understand miconazole nitrate is a treatment for foot fungus, except maybe my friend Andrew, who is the type to look things up on Wikipedia and also the type to look through a […]
Posted in: Chinglish
Saturday Salad: Dressing on the Side
October 22, 2011
My seven-year-old, The Fonz, showed me a story he’s writing and the first sentence made me laugh: Once upon a time 3 kids were best friends named Jay, Henry and most of all Jack. Here was an opening line that sucked me right in and I had to keep reading to find out why Jack […]
Posted in: Columns
Rick Perry Death Stare Fails to Intimidate Voters
October 21, 2011
Texas has always been different than the rest of the United States, a lesson being learned by Texas Governor Rick Perry as he runs for the Republican Presidential nomination. Perry enjoyed great success ruling Texas with an iron fist on a simple platform of physical intimidation. Texans didn’t bat an eye when Perry signaled the […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Scrabble Contestant Accused of Hiding G in His A
October 20, 2011
A missing letter ‘G’ during a World Scrabble Championships match resulted in accusations of cheating as the losing player demanded his opponent be strip-searched. Both players were asked to turn out their pockets but the missing tile was never found and officials refused to conduct the requested strip search. I’ve composed the following headlines to […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Dear Good Greatsby: Help! I’m a Zombie Trying to Kick My Brains Addiction!
October 19, 2011
The first question comes from Binky of Wombania Comics who appears to be suffering an existential crisis. Dear Good Greatsby, I might be a pumpkin. What should I do? And don’t say make pie! Binky Dear Binky, Paul: During the Halloween season, psychiatrists always report an uptick in patients claiming to be pumpkins. These patients […]
Posted in: Dear Good Greatsby
Cain Herman Cain or Cain’t He?
October 18, 2011
For decades Republicans have been touting supply-side economics: If tax rates are cut, the wealthiest will spend more and create jobs with the promise that the wealth from the wealthiest classes would ‘trickle-down’ to the rest of the economy. Unfortunately, this trickle-down never took place and instead there has been a massive trickle-up of wealth. […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
If at First You Don’t Rapture, Try, Try Again
October 17, 2011
Five months ago I posted a response to evangelical pastor Harold Camping’s prediction that the Christian Rapture would come on May 21st: Cloudy with a Chance of Rapture. Once again Camping is predicting the apocalypse is still coming and will actually arrive on October 21. People have been predicting the end of the world for […]
Posted in: Columns
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