Browsing All Posts filed under »Breaking News Fixed«

It’s Better to Be Safe Than Friendly

February 24, 2016

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I was watching the news and they said the majority of murder victims are killed by people they know. I bring this up any time my wife tries to get me to meet new people. The fewer people you know, the safer you’ll be. I say no to parent teacher conferences, open houses, book clubs, […]

Four More Years! Four More Years!

September 6, 2012

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Tonight President Obama will give his keynote address at the Democratic National Convention and you could play a drinking game based on the number of times the crowd will break into the chant “Four-More-Years! Four-More-Years!” We Americans love a good chant because you get the emotional high of being part of a team, but without […]

Greatsby’s Presidential Endorsement Challenge

August 15, 2012

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The American presidential race is in full swing and I know both campaigns are looking to The Good Greatsby to offer an endorsement and possibly change the momentum of the race. Because both campaigns are laboring to avoid talk of any actual issues so they can avoid being labelled as ‘standing for something’, I’m having […]

No Gay Foxes in the Chick-fil-A Henhouse

August 6, 2012

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In the latest pretend controversy, sources tell me there aren’t any gay foxes allowed in the Chick-fil-A henhouse. I don’t have all the details because I try not to read the news and only overheard bits and pieces of the story from a neighboring restaurant table, but apparently the CEO of Chick-fil-A said something like […]

The Eligibile Bachelor Gods Giveth and They Taketh Away

July 30, 2012

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Some people like to recite an affirmation as they look at themselves in the mirror each morning. Mrs. Greatsby likes to motivate herself by reading from a Post-It note pinned to the mirror listing the world’s most eligible bachelors. I don’t mind because I know whenever George Clooney is on the list she’ll do something […]

Mitt Romney Never Lies Down on the Jobs

July 20, 2012

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Mitt Romney would like you to believe he’s the presidential candidate most qualified to create jobs. But in an exclusive interview, sources inside the Romney camp have revealed a dark side to Romney’s jobs plan: Yes, he has a plan to add hundreds of thousands of jobs. But, he plans to fill every one of […]

Not-So-Healthy Headlines

June 25, 2012

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This week the United States Supreme Court is expected to hand down its ruling on President Obama’s healthcare act. If the bill is overturned, many Americans will joyfully cheer its defeat, despite it being the first serious effort to correct a system that allows Americans to rank #37 in healthcare and #38 in life expectancy, […]

The Prime Minister’s Literal Pub Crawl

June 20, 2012

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The British Prime Minister, David Cameron, was recently embarrassed upon the revelation he had left his 8-year-old daughter behind after the family visited a pub. Apparently two of his children rode in one car with Cameron’s wife and his wife assumed the 8-year-old was riding in a second car with the Prime Minister. You may […]

Evidence of the Zombie Apocalypse

June 5, 2012

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The Center for Disease Control has issued a denial of any zombie apocalypse in the wake of multiple bizarre zombie-like attacks last week. The CDC says there’s no zombie apocalypse, but isn’t that what you’d expect them to say if there was a zombie apocalypse? The denial of a zombie apocalypse is therefore inversely the […]

If it Was a Snake it Would Have Bit You

June 1, 2012

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A serpent-handling pastor in West Virginia was bitten and killed by one of those very serpents he handled. To make the story even more comically tragic, this pastor had watched years earlier as his pastor father was bitten and killed by a snake. There’s a certain poetic symmetry in dying in the same manner as […]

The Bieb Wanted for Questioning

May 30, 2012

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Justin Bieber has been accused of roughing up a photographer who tried to take pictures of him at a shopping center. Apparently the photographer was minding his own business when the hulking 5’1″, 80-pound Bieber snapped and brutally manhandled him. Miraculously, the photographer survived the incident and was taken to a local hospital where doctors […]

Scientists Catch-up to Ketchup Solution

May 25, 2012

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More exciting news from the world of science! MIT scientists believe they’ve tackled the age-old dilemma of getting the last bit of ketchup out of the bottle, a mystery that has perplexed philosophers from Socrates to my brother-in-law. The scientists have created a bottle coating that will allow famously slow-pouring ketchup to pour as easily […]