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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Breaking News Fixed«
You’ve Been Tying Your Shoelaces Wrong
Breaking News: According to the International Institute for Studies, studies have shown more studies are needed. Study 1: Science on a shoestring budget This is embarrassing. I’ve been tying my shoelaces wrong for three decades. Scientists have solved the mystery of why our shoelaces untie when we walk. A team at UC Berkley spent two […]
It’s Better to Be Safe Than Friendly
February 24, 2016
I was watching the news and they said the majority of murder victims are killed by people they know. I bring this up any time my wife tries to get me to meet new people. The fewer people you know, the safer you’ll be. I say no to parent teacher conferences, open houses, book clubs, […]
No Gay Foxes in the Chick-fil-A Henhouse
August 6, 2012
In the latest pretend controversy, sources tell me there aren’t any gay foxes allowed in the Chick-fil-A henhouse. I don’t have all the details because I try not to read the news and only overheard bits and pieces of the story from a neighboring restaurant table, but apparently the CEO of Chick-fil-A said something like […]
The Eligibile Bachelor Gods Giveth and They Taketh Away
July 30, 2012
Some people like to recite an affirmation as they look at themselves in the mirror each morning. Mrs. Greatsby likes to motivate herself by reading from a Post-It note pinned to the mirror listing the world’s most eligible bachelors. I don’t mind because I know whenever George Clooney is on the list she’ll do something […]
The Prime Minister’s Literal Pub Crawl
June 20, 2012
The British Prime Minister, David Cameron, was recently embarrassed upon the revelation he had left his 8-year-old daughter behind after the family visited a pub. Apparently two of his children rode in one car with Cameron’s wife and his wife assumed the 8-year-old was riding in a second car with the Prime Minister. You may […]
Evidence of the Zombie Apocalypse
June 5, 2012
The Center for Disease Control has issued a denial of any zombie apocalypse in the wake of multiple bizarre zombie-like attacks last week. The CDC says there’s no zombie apocalypse, but isn’t that what you’d expect them to say if there was a zombie apocalypse? The denial of a zombie apocalypse is therefore inversely the […]
If it Was a Snake it Would Have Bit You
June 1, 2012
A serpent-handling pastor in West Virginia was bitten and killed by one of those very serpents he handled. To make the story even more comically tragic, this pastor had watched years earlier as his pastor father was bitten and killed by a snake. There’s a certain poetic symmetry in dying in the same manner as […]
The Bieb Wanted for Questioning
May 30, 2012
Justin Bieber has been accused of roughing up a photographer who tried to take pictures of him at a shopping center. Apparently the photographer was minding his own business when the hulking 5’1″, 80-pound Bieber snapped and brutally manhandled him. Miraculously, the photographer survived the incident and was taken to a local hospital where doctors […]
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