Five months ago I posted a response to evangelical pastor Harold Camping’s prediction that the Christian Rapture would come on May 21st: Cloudy with a Chance of Rapture.
Once again Camping is predicting the apocalypse is still coming and will actually arrive on October 21. People have been predicting the end of the world for centuries and what bothers me most about professional predictors like Camping and those Mayans who knew the world would end in 2012 but couldn’t predict the arrival of the Spanish, is that if you really know how the world is going to end, every member of our society knows it’s common courtesy not to reveal endings just like with movies and books. If you’re certain the other person wants to know how the world ends, you should first say: Spoiler alert.
When someone tells me the world is getting warmer and warmer and we’re all going to fry to death, I always respond, “Thanks for telling me the ending, jerk! Guess what? Spoiler alert: The guy in Sixth Sense is dead the whole time!”
I think the religious fascination with endings might not even be the will of any higher power but might actually be an outgrowth of what parents tell kids in church to make them pay attention.
“How much longer before church is over?”
“We’re almost at the end.”
Ten minutes later: “How much longer before church is over?”
“The end will come soon.”
Two hours later: “How much longer before church is over?”
“I want it to end just as much as you do.”
Parents realized saying church was almost at an end was the most effective way to make squirming kids pay attention and the idea lasted into adulthood. I’m not sure I can follow the rules for another seventy years, but if the world is going to explode in six months, I guess I can sit still in my seat for a little longer.
The Beginning of Days?
I don’t think it’s constructive to constantly dwell on the end. How do we solve and invest in long-term thirty year problems if we think the end is just around the corner anyway? I like to think our time period is most likely the beginning of days, and the people two million years from now will laugh at how we figuratively kept clapping and trying to walk out of the theater two minutes after Star Wars had started.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
(John Williams Star Wars Theme Music)
Star Wars
Episode IV
A New Hope
It is a period of civil war.
Rebel spaceships, striking
from a hidden base, have won
Audience begins clapping and stands up to leave: “I guess that’s it. Man, that was a great movie! I loved the music. Let’s go get some pizza.”
Why are we so anxious for everything to be over? Don’t ring the bell so soon. Humans still have so much to accomplish. We still haven’t colonized space! There might be thousands of inhabited planets out there with reality TV even more urbane and gratuitous than ours. What happened to all the robot butlers who were going to do our dishes? Where are the floating cars? And I still have so much I want to accomplish: I still haven’t watched a single episode of Mad Men despite the raving recommendations of almost every person I know who never reads books.
Camping Keeps Ruining My Weekend Plans
What makes me angriest about Camping’s newest prediction is that he once again had the option of picking a Monday, but for the second time in a year he predicted the apocalypse would come on a weekend so you’re not sure whether to book a babysitter or not. What if the Rapture comes while my wife and I are at karaoke and the babysitter is raptured and leaves the kids home alone?
You may remember when the Rapture didn’t come on May 21st, I found myself living with the promises I had made while trying to take advantage of people on May 20th. This time I’m not going to do anything differently except I’ve told the kids not to expect any help on their Halloween costumes until October 22nd, not only because I want to avoid the risk of useless work, but wouldn’t it be embarrassing if one of my kids created a Harold Camping costume and Camping turns out to be right?
The Good Greatsby 
psychodynamom
October 17, 2011
People are crazy, eh?
k8edid
October 17, 2011
Dammit, why isn’t the Rapture coming today? I have a headache and need to get to work. I wonder….if I call in sick every day this week, will they have time to fire me before the 21st?
The Good Greatsby
October 17, 2011
The Rapture never seems to come at the right time.
k8edid
October 18, 2011
I’ll drink to that.
She's a Maineiac
October 17, 2011
The guy in the Sixth Sense was dead the whole time?! Great, now I have nothing to live for except my Mad Men marathons, thanks. Oh well, I am doomed anyway. Oprah didn’t give me a free pass to be Rapturized (after taxes, of course).
jamesjelenko
October 17, 2011
Great post, very funny.
I must say, this Camping guy has a terrible strategy. If I were him I’d go for broke: Claim the rapture happened and that if you didn’t notice it was only because everyone you know was so sinful that they were left behind. It’s sort of an ’emperor’s new clothes’ approach to predicting the rapture, but most people who believe in that kind of stuff are pretty gullible, right?
On an unrelated note, what’s the date today? I suddenly remembered I have something to do… at church..
Nice reading your blog!
-James
http://truestoriesfromaliar.wordpress.com/
joehoover
October 17, 2011
He’s just forgotten what he set reminders for on his calendar. I do it all the time, leave ineligible notes for myself forgetting my handwriting is appalling and have no idea what I meant to remind myself. He’s just got those dates circled on his calendar, they’re probably dental appointments.
The Good Greatsby
October 17, 2011
It does no good to plan for the Rapture if you keep illegible notes.
joehoover
October 17, 2011
I can’t even type the correct word either ‘illegible’, thank you. Camping and I are equally confused.
modestypress
October 17, 2011
I am going back in time to live my life over again. Only this time, I will make the correct choices. Please don’t spoil the experience by telling me how it will turn out.
Once I figure out how to go back in time, then I will go back in time and see what really happened when Jesus was born. I will say to him when He is young, “Hey, don’t start preaching about “Blessed are the Meek,” and all that stuff, it will get you into a lot of trouble. However, I will say, ‘Spoiler Alert!'”
Probably, He will tell me that He already knew all this. Then I will ask him why He never wrote any of this down himself and who Shakespeare really was. Then history will turn out really differently then the way you think it did.
The Good Greatsby
October 18, 2011
Kudos to you that asking about Shakespeare fits into your top three questions you would ask God.
lifeintheboomerlane
October 17, 2011
Doesn’t Camping keep saying he calculated incorrectly, each time the end doesn’t actually occur? Is there no penalty for this? Does he think he’s the IRS? To my knowlege, the IRS is the only entity that is legally allowed to use faulty math skills to ruin people’s lives. Instead of sending me a check for $13,000, they sent me a bill for $47,000. This has nothing to do with the Rapture but I just wanted to get pissed off about it all over again.
The Good Greatsby
October 17, 2011
It seems if someone promises a Rapture and we all sell our houses and quit our jobs and the Rapture doesn’t come, that person should owe us some money.
pegoleg
October 17, 2011
I keep trying to sell him some Rapture Failure insurance, but Camping won’t return my phone calls. The guy probably has a crappy retirement plan, too.
ryoko861
October 17, 2011
Camping is annoying at least, but he’s definitely become the butt of many great jokes!
And the one thing that keeps going over and over in my mind is Blonde’s “Rapture” song.
Or “Spirit in the Sky”.
The Good Greatsby
October 18, 2011
Could this all be a conspiracy by Blondie to renew interest in ‘Rapture’?
Snoring Dog Studio
October 17, 2011
I planned to go to “The Haunted World” here in my hometown that day. Geez. The one Friday evening in a long time that I decide not to get straight into my pjs after work – and this happens. He’s messing with my riveting social life and I don’t appreciate that.
gerknoop
October 17, 2011
Please don’t lump Camping into the “Christian” category with the rest of us who are actually
“sane” about our faith. The truth is that the only thing we can be sure of about “The End” is that we can’t be sure about “The End”…no man knows the day or hour.
gerknoop
October 17, 2011
I mean “sure about” not “sure of about” GEEZ!
Kathryn McCullough
October 17, 2011
You mean we actually have to wait till the 21st?
georgettesullins
October 17, 2011
Oh please no end until after my husband’s birthday next week.
Beach Bum
October 17, 2011
“How much longer before church is over?”
“We’re almost at the end.”
I remember many afternoon naps on a hard wooden church pew after the preacher fell into his groove and spent an extra hour explaining why sinners would regret all the fun their were having here on earth.
The neat thing about long sermons was the Sunday dinner after the preacher finished up. Always lots of good food like okra, collard greens, and corn bread.
The Good Greatsby
October 18, 2011
Sunday dinners are always the best because those kids need something to look forward to during church.
Jackie Cangro
October 17, 2011
Note to Camping: If you’re going to schedule a Rapture, why not do it for Monday morning? At least we wouldn’t have to work another week.
Sandi Ormsby
October 17, 2011
Okay, not like this has anything to do with your subject, but you did comment about “mad men” and I laughed. My husband has mentioned this show a couple of times, he too, was told of its awesome’ness (and it’s on Netflix) We’ve been meaning to watch it, but just never have gotten around to it.
Spectra
October 18, 2011
you will LOVE it! I was hooked, and watched the full 4 seasons on Netflix, one right after the other. It took 2 weeks. But I am dedicated.
The Good Greatsby
October 18, 2011
I’ve been told it’s the coolest, most stylish show on television by some of the least stylish people I know.
Spectra
October 19, 2011
– probably because they hope to aspire to such heights…yes, a Most stylish show!
Ricky Anderson
October 17, 2011
The rapture could temporarily help with overpopulation. A nice alternative to war or natural disaster.
Lenore Diane
October 17, 2011
Your post may be in jest, still I find your message wise. There is still so much to do – why are we intent on the ending?
I’ve already consumed my 4 pints of ice cream for the month. Please tell me November will arrive on time … I hate to think my ice cream consumption has come to an end. I had such high hopes for more – pint after pint after pint.
(Really good post, GG. Really good.)
Lunar Euphoria
October 17, 2011
You are too funny!
This is a wonderful post.
Classic
October 17, 2011
This isn’t even the first or second time Camping has calculated the end of the world. First it was September 15th, 1994, and then December 25th 1994, and then April 3rd 1996. Most of the interviews are on YouTube, which makes you think his devoted followers would have done at least some basic research on a man who they gave everything for. Silly ol’ Harold must have been quite a pain on his math teacher, especially since he resurfaced this year to have another go (or two).
The Good Greatsby
October 18, 2011
I’d never considered the possibility that Camping might be well-intentioned but just mathematically disinclined.
Invisible Mikey
October 17, 2011
Just like Nostradamus predicting the rise of some propagandist named “Hister”, this guy has it kinda-sorta. It’s Weird Al Yankovic’s current tour, the Alpocalypse, and the NYC date is the 23rd, not the 21st. It IS coming!
Laura
October 18, 2011
You should probably hire an evil babysitter for Rapture day, just to be safe.
The Good Greatsby
October 18, 2011
My wife and I are torn on whether or not to hire an evil babysitter. We’d prefer the kids stay with someone unevil, but evil babysitters definitely offer the most competitive rates.
Random
October 18, 2011
Excellent post! Funny, of course, but insightful as well. I have often felt that anyone who truly believes the “end is near” should not be allowed to serve in public office for the very reason you expressed:
“I don’t think it’s constructive to constantly dwell on the end. How do we solve and invest in long-term thirty year problems if we think the end is just around the corner anyway?”
Nicely put.
The Good Greatsby
October 18, 2011
We’re not supposed to pick politicians based on religious belief so the media rarely asks any questions about religion, but it seems anyone who believes the world is about to end tomorrow, may not have the long-term perspective we need.
John Erickson
October 18, 2011
Wow, I was so busy ignoring Camping, I forgot his next deadline is fast approaching! Thanks for the reminder, I shall redouble my ignoring efforts.
I’m rooting for the Mayans, personally. Otherwise, I have to turn 50, and I don’t wanna be old! 😀
John Erickson
October 18, 2011
(The correct response to my post is for everyone to yell “TOO LATE!” 😉
Jess Witkins
October 18, 2011
{When someone tells me the world is getting warmer and warmer and we’re all going to fry to death, I always respond, “Thanks for telling me the ending, jerk! Guess what? Spoiler alert: The guy in Sixth Sense is dead the whole time!”}
That made me laugh so hard! This is just the lighthearted, I mean serious impending doom, kind of post I needed. Love the title too. Smart move with the Halloween costumes, your time is much better spent tailgating Camping for an interview on your October 22nd post.
Hippie Cahier
October 18, 2011
I find your Mad Men argument most compelling.
I’m only on Season 2 of Ally McBeal. I’d like to get to Season 4, Episode 6, if possible.
If anyone has an in with the good Reverend and could kindly suggest a Rapture Rescheduling, I’d be most appreciative. October’s a busy month. Thank you.
Thomas Stazyk
October 18, 2011
Yeah, the Rugby World Cup final is on Sunday and NZ is in the finals and hasn’t won since 1987–so it would be a real bummer if they got cheated out of winning the cup because the world ended.
The Good Greatsby
October 18, 2011
The All Blacks always seem to be the best team but somehow manage to lose in the World Cup; at least the end of the world would give NZ a pretty good excuse.
Bearman
October 18, 2011
The Occupy people say “November 5”
Todd Pack
October 18, 2011
It never ceases to amaze me that people a) believe they and they alone have figured out when the world will end and that not only would b) anyone believe them but also c) keep on believe when the date comes and goes without incident.
The Good Greatsby
October 18, 2011
The fact that he still has some followers who allowed him to adjust his previous airtight guarantee is proof that there will always be a select group willing to climb aboard any crazy train no matter where it’s headed.
Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson
October 18, 2011
When planning my syllabus, I had originally planned to make student research papers due on 10/19 but then decided to bump them back to 10/24 — just in case. No point in grading for nothing. 😉
Thomas Stazyk
October 18, 2011
Actually you should have made the due date the 20th so the students would still have to do the work but then you wouldn’t have to grade them. That would keep them out of trouble in the days before the rapture and you therefore might have helped their immortal souls!
John Erickson
October 18, 2011
Thomas, you are a sick and twisted person. I like that! 😀
reelingintheyears.wordpress.com
October 18, 2011
Hilarious. I’m fascinated with this Rapture-thing ever since my sister pointed out that since our dear Mama passed @ supper time on May 21st, that she’s ‘up in Rapture-fest’ and left us all down here. Fine with me; I don’t want to be snatched up yet.
Ado
October 18, 2011
This is crazy funny. I too am fascinated with people (aka dopes) who believe in the Rapture.
Spectra
October 18, 2011
I purposely remind myself to do something ‘bad’ everyday, so I won’t get rapturated. Often, no reminder is needed.
And as to trusting the Mayans and their calendar…these people and their culture failed by 800 AD, leaving behind all those little sacred pyramids. They moved up north,then became human sacrifices to the Aztecs, who did predict Cortes, believing he was the anticipated return of an angry King-god, who left town in a hurry one day a few generations earlier. He vowed to come back and punish everyone. Enter, Hernan Cortes, (recently recovered from syphilis) landing in 1519 on the Yucatan (Mayan territory) . The Aztec ruler, Montezuma, was scared shatless (hence the term “Montezumas revenge” on foreigners). So, at least the Aztec calendar was reliable.
Camping should maybe cross-check with that one. Or maybe he just has a side line selling “soul Insurance”, and all this talk of The End is good for business.
lynne @ gardenmad
October 18, 2011
I’m eating all the Halloween candy before Halloween, just to be safe. (Like I haven’t done that every other year, Rapture or no Rapture…..does Rapture need a capital “R”?)
Trick or treat.
The Good Greatsby
October 18, 2011
I wouldn’t have guessed it needed a capital ‘R’ but it was capitalized in everything I read while researching the subject.
thoughtsappear
October 18, 2011
That’s this Friday? Crap. I didn’t do anything I wanted to do.
mistyslaws
October 18, 2011
Guess no Ren Fest for us, huh? 🙂
jannatwrites
October 20, 2011
Uh-oh. I have less than 2 days to give away all my stuff. What a relief, though – the kids are triple-booked with activities on Saturday and now it’s ‘no problemo’!
Rachael Black
October 21, 2011
Gah. Just posted a piece today about idiots and their rapture predictions, then read this that you had posted Monday (am a bit behind on the emails).
Dig the portion ‘what parents tell kids in church to make them pay attention’
Thank God I’m an atheist.
wonderful post.
flippingchannels
October 25, 2011
Any post that even mentions Star Wars and the end of days in the same breath is a winner.
etomczyk
October 27, 2011
I’m a little behind in my reading this week and just got to your post. Love it. I wrote a humorous post on the Rapture but I’m not posting it until Thursday night. But it is based on taking matters into my own hands against Harold Camping when the Rapture doesn’t happen. Somehow I get revenge on Rick Perry and the Westboro Baptist Church at the same time as a pissed off Christian. Hope you can drop by and give it a read. Take care. ET
paulbeforeswine
November 17, 2011
Dude, I was totally gonna blog about the Rapture that wasn’t! Damn it!