Things I Carry in My Pocket for the Sole Purpose of Confusing the Police in the Event of My Untimely Death

Posted on April 7, 2011


I hope to live a long and multiple award-winning life, but in the event of my untimely death my last thoughts will be on the police officers rifling through my pockets as they investigate the crime. In addition to my wallet and house keys they will find:

1. An elaborate treasure map leading to the police chief’s garden.

2. A note of warning that starts:

Dear Sergeant Smith, you are in grave danger! Trust no one!

I know the chances aren’t good that a Sergeant Smith will be the first one to check my pockets, but if he does, wow!

3. Slip of paper titled:

Things to do: buy a torso-shaped, waterproof bag.

4. A child’s drawing of a car with the police chief’s license plate number driving off a cliff in a ball of flames.

5. Small gift box addressed to Mom with note:

Avoid going downtown next Tuesday at 11:25AM. Ka-boom!

Inside the gift box: earplugs.

6. Artwork from the police chief’s son taken from the trash outside his home. A note on the back reads:

I thought you might be interested to see the progress our son is making. He looks just like you. Nobody suspects my husband isn’t his real father.”

7. Letter to congressman imploring him to sponsor legislation reducing hitchhiker murder statute of limitations from thirty years down to six days ago at 2:14AM.

8. A life insurance policy taken out on me with the police chief as the beneficiary.

9. A list with the names of all my enemies in a notebook entitled:

“Cohorts in Crime”

10. Inside the Cohorts in Crime book, a note is written next to a high school bully’s name:

Not worried about him turning me in because he always boasts how weak the police are and how they’re not tough enough to make him talk, even with rigorous and prolonged punching of his crotch.”

A note of warning if you are considering carrying similar items in your pockets: if the police are rifling through your pockets for any other reason than your death, you are in big, big trouble.

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Posted in: Random Humor