Browsing All posts tagged under »Republicans«

Air Conditioners for President!

March 15, 2016

31

I’m a peace-loving man. Indeed I was kicked out of the Peace Corps for loving peace too much. Those phonies in the Peace Corps say they want peace, but I was the only one willing to fight for it. As part of my commitment to spreading peace I’m constantly studying the science of aggression, and […]

Prelude to Five People Asking for Hand Sanitizer

October 5, 2012

63

Are you new? Something about you seems different than the people who normally work here. I can honestly say, of all the presidential candidates I’ve ever met, you’re the first. Please tell me I’m not the only one who can see this guy. Is it just me or did a rich, white guy just appear? […]

Presidential Campaigns: ‘Lower Your Expectations’ Voters: ‘Our Expectations Were Already Pretty Low’

October 3, 2012

70

The first presidential debate is scheduled for tonight and Americans everywhere are anxiously looking forward to not watching. After they finish not watching the debates, they’ll appease their civic guilt by checking the news for coverage of the debates so media pundits can tell them who won, similar to checking a sports score. Crowning the […]

Four More Years! Four More Years!

September 6, 2012

52

Tonight President Obama will give his keynote address at the Democratic National Convention and you could play a drinking game based on the number of times the crowd will break into the chant “Four-More-Years! Four-More-Years!” We Americans love a good chant because you get the emotional high of being part of a team, but without […]

Not-So-Healthy Headlines

June 25, 2012

32

This week the United States Supreme Court is expected to hand down its ruling on President Obama’s healthcare act. If the bill is overturned, many Americans will joyfully cheer its defeat, despite it being the first serious effort to correct a system that allows Americans to rank #37 in healthcare and #38 in life expectancy, […]

Hey, Mitt, Make Me Your VP

May 9, 2012

40

Dear Mitt Romney, I hear you might be looking for a vice president. Allow me to suggest the following potential candidates: 1. Steve Jobs’ ghost–I know some intolerant Americans may complain about a ghost occupying such a high office, especially because ghosts don’t pay taxes, but Jobs might be the one ghost everyone could get behind […]

Complete and Utter Rubbish!

March 9, 2012

40

Optimist Prime has always been a bit wise for a ten-year-old, and his seeming wisdom has only increased now that he’s chosen to permanently speak in a British accent. He’s been trying it out here and there with an occasional “That’s bloody brilliant” or “And I said rubbish! Complete and utter rubbish!” but this last […]

Super Tuesday Founding Fathers Super Trivia

March 6, 2012

37

Today is Super Tuesday in America when Republicans will hold their largest primary. Excitement is high as Republicans hope that after three years of campaigning, fundraising, rallying, and spending hundreds of millions of dollars, they can finally settle on a candidate nobody is excited about. For international readers who may not be familiar with America’s […]

Trump Endorses Romney, May Sway Multimillionaire Blowhard Voting Bloc

February 7, 2012

45

Donald Trump’s endorsement of Mitt Romney for President really shouldn’t be much of a surprise considering the startling similarities between the two men. Excerpts from Trump’s endorsement: “I actually offered my endorsement to all the candidates but Romney was the only one who would agree to accept the endorsement while standing behind a lectern with […]

Obama Announces New American Enemies List

January 24, 2012

39

Tonight President Obama delivers his State of the Union address and hopes to use the occasion to remind Americans of his successes, announce new initiatives, and try and counter Republican accusations of being a socialist-loving, religion-hating, baby-biting vampire. It’s likely Obama will claim the killing of Osama Bin Laden as one of the previous year’s […]

The Economic Future is so Bright, I Have to Wear Shades

January 10, 2012

32

The Republican New Hampshire primary takes place today. The media has been talking about the Republican race for a year, but unfortunately for the Republicans, none of them stand much of a chance of beating Obama as long as the economy keeps improving, no matter how many times they insist it isn’t. Statistics show the […]

Mustache-less Candidates Race to Get Their Grow On

November 14, 2011

29

Just when it seemed things couldn’t get any worse for Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain following a series of sexual harassment accusations, Cain has now lost the coveted endorsement of the American Mustache Institute. Cain Keeps Stiff Upper Lip After Losing Endorsement of Hairy Upper Lip The American Mustache Institute had first planned to stand […]

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