Cain Herman Cain or Cain’t He?

Posted on October 18, 2011


For decades Republicans have been touting supply-side economics: If tax rates are cut, the wealthiest will spend more and create jobs with the promise that the wealth from the wealthiest classes would ‘trickle-down’ to the rest of the economy.  Unfortunately, this trickle-down never took place and instead there has been a massive trickle-up of wealth.  Actually, much more than a trickle.

The only thing that has trickled down from the wealthiest 1% to the remaining 99%, is fat.  Rich celebrities continue to get skinnier and more attractive while the rest of us are getting fatter and fatter.

And now in the midst of this obesity epidemic, the GOP presidential candidate leading in the polls and calling for lower taxes is Herman Cain, a man who has done more than any other candidate to encourage American obesity.

The trail of obesity is undeniable:

Started career with Coca-Cola.

Then went to Pillsbury.

Then Pillsbury’s Burger King division.

Next CEO of Godfather’s Pizza.

This man spent his entire career scheming how to make food more delicious.  His job was to sit in a boardroom and strategize how to convince people to continue eating

Why isn't this man fatter?

burgers and pizza long after they knew they should stop.  I can’t vote for any man or woman who became a success by strategizing how to ruin high school reunions everywhere.

We know we like pizza, so we think maybe we also like Herman Cain, but I’m here to remind voters we don’t know that much about him.  Neither the media nor the other GOP candidates took Herman Cain seriously and now they know nothing about him either.  I’ve taken it upon myself to bring down this obesity peddler by suggesting the other GOP candidates create attack ads using the following unfair and unanswered questions about Herman Cain.  As you read these questions, imagine them read aloud in an ominous tone:

If Herman Cain believes in democracy, why did he work so hard to support the Burger King?

Herman Cain says he believes a man shouldn’t be judged based on the color of his skin, but during his years working for Pillsbury, why didn’t he stop color discrimination of The Jolly Green Giant?

Herman Cain says he believes in God, but what’s his allegiance to this mysterious Godfather?

Pillsbury owned the ice cream brand Häagen-Dazs.  The company originated in America but ownership intentionally gave the brand a foreign-sounding name.  Does Herman Cain believe all American brands and ideas should be given foreign names?  Does Herman Cain support changing America’s name to 美国 ?

Herman Cain claims he worked at Godfather’s Pizza, headquartered in Omaha, Nebraska, but why can’t the state be found on a map?

Herman Cain once served on the board of Reader’s Digest.  Why does the Life in These United States joke section seem so much funnier than anything you’ve experienced over the course of your life in these United States?  Is Herman Cain suggesting you aren’t a legal resident of the United States?  Is Herman Cain laughing at you?

Herman Cain worked for Pillsbury and stood idly by as the Pillsbury Doughboy was repeatedly bullied with pokes to the stomach.  Does Herman Cain support bullying?  Does this mean the bullies who beat you up in high school are planning to vote for Herman Cain?