Browsing All posts tagged under »Engrish«

The Fonz Needs an Empathy Transplant

April 6, 2012


Yesterday I took the boys out to eat and my seven-year-old, The Fonz, asked how transplants worked. I explained that you could give someone one of your two kidneys and could survive with just one. My ten-year-old, Optimist Prime, turned to The Fonz and said, “If you needed a kidney to save your life, I’d […]

As the Chinglish World Turns

April 1, 2012


I wanted to purchase this pocket financial planner but I reconsidered after taking to heart the message on the cover: ‘Save your money!’ I didn’t even have to purchase the planner and its wisdom already saved me money. ….. Mrs. Greatsby has wanted to get a globe for the kids, and I considered purchasing this […]

Chinglish Friendship

March 25, 2012


I spotted this jewelry box and thought it might make a good parting gift to a friend you wanted to cut loose: The implied finality of the statement makes it a perfect parting gift. ‘I wish our friendship could last for ever,’ but it can’t, so enjoy this jewelry box while you’re getting over it. […]

Chinglish Gruel

March 11, 2012


My wife bought a container of fresh macaroni at a local cafe and was slightly perplexed by the instructions on the back: Storing method: keep between 0°C to 6°C or above 65°C (apparently any storage between 6 and 65 degrees Celsius (42.8°F – 149°F) is unsafe but storage above 149°F would be fine. I’d be […]

Chinglish Even the Kids Will Like

March 4, 2012


If you have any photos of a friend whose voice may shatter your dream as the north wind lays waste the garden, you might want to put the photos of him in this photo album: Convincing kids to eat cookies can be pretty difficult. That’s why I only buy cookies that contain the guarantee ‘Even […]

This Guy’s in Love

February 26, 2012


I’m always looking for inspiration before I start writing and I find it extremely helpful to have a selection of verse printed right on the cover of all the notebooks I buy here in Shanghai. I carry the notebook below around with me throughout the day and read the message across the front cover every […]

Inspirational Shovegiving: it’s push but nuthin’s given

February 19, 2012


While scouring Shanghai for ironic gifts for Mrs. Greatsby’s birthday, I was fortunate enough to come across some Chinglish poetry in a stationery store. Chinese notebooks often have an inspirational or poetic message in English on the cover, and they usually make no sense, causing me to wonder what artistic influence the reading of these […]

Chinglish Shampoo for Nerd Dogs

February 12, 2012


I volunteered at a pet shelter as a teenager and when I bathed the animals, we weren’t fortunate enough to have such fancy shampoos like the one below I found in a local Shanghai pet store. This magic formula seems to promise the dispelling of amorous activity: ‘Aim at the pet skin scraps problem effectively […]

Chinglish Pet Care

February 5, 2012


I visited a local pet store on Friday. It’s a good thing pets can’t read because they ‘d probably be alarmed if they saw their owners buying either of the products below: Apparently this Friend Baby product for ‘syrup-black to rid of vermin’ either tastes like insect candy or will taste like candy to insects. […]

Your Satisfaction is Our Unremitting Pursuit

December 19, 2011


Pay no heed to rumors suggesting a connection between my arrival in South Korea and the death of Kim Jong-Il the same day. I was nowhere near the fearless leader at the time of his unexpected demise. We’re really lucky we ended up in South Korea instead of North Korea because when I bought the […]

Chinglish Stockings

December 11, 2011


If you’re a songwriter experiencing writer’s block in trying to compose the last verse of your new love song, might I suggest you steal some lyrical inspiration from the stockings’ advertisement below: “Beauty bases on your legs. Silk socks play an important role in your legs beautifying plan. Stockings are popular once again, whether black […]

Chinglish Library

December 4, 2011


I wish this photo were a little better but it was hard to get any contrast while zooming in on this sign behind the cash register at our local export supermarket. It reads: Cigarette, Wine, library can not be discounted.  Wouldn’t kids be much more interested in hanging out at the library if it also […]