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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All posts tagged under »caption contest«
How Not to Spill Your Coffee When Walking
Scientists at the University of California at Santa Barbara have just published a study revealing how not to spill your coffee when walking. Apparently the human gait moves at roughly the same frequency as coffee sloshes back and forth in a mug so each step amplifies the coffee’s sloshing. But these scientists have developed a […]
Cutting the Cheese is a Cinnamon for Passing Gas
February 18, 2012
A Sentence Parsing: How can children seem so very smart and so very not smart at the same time? I’ve developed an elaborate system for quantifying my children’s statements to determine whether I should be worried or not. I applied this system to the following: At the dinner table Optimist Prime asked Mrs. Greatsby to […]
Chinglish Shampoo for Nerd Dogs
February 12, 2012
I volunteered at a pet shelter as a teenager and when I bathed the animals, we weren’t fortunate enough to have such fancy shampoos like the one below I found in a local Shanghai pet store. This magic formula seems to promise the dispelling of amorous activity: ‘Aim at the pet skin scraps problem effectively […]
Saturday Salad: Dressing on the Side
October 22, 2011
My seven-year-old, The Fonz, showed me a story he’s writing and the first sentence made me laugh: Once upon a time 3 kids were best friends named Jay, Henry and most of all Jack. Here was an opening line that sucked me right in and I had to keep reading to find out why Jack […]
Saturday Brain Biscuits & Gravy
October 8, 2011
My seven-year-old son, The Fonz, is very interested in zombies right now, and when he overheard me mention I had watched an episode of the AMC zombie show, The Walking Dead, he started asking if he could watch it despite my warnings it was much too scary. I finally let him watch an advertisement for […]
Veterans of Intergalatic, Civil, and Virginity Wars Unite: Caption Contest Finalists
April 21, 2011
Congratulations to this week’s caption contest finalists, who may remember the day they became finalists as one of the most important moments of their lives, especially if their entire lives had been uneventful disappointments. The winner will receive the following awards: 1. A strong sense of fulfillment. (Disclaimer: You must be the type who fulfills […]
Girly of The Daily Hello Wins Caption Contest; Easily Impressed People Take to Streets in Celebration
April 17, 2011
Congratulations to this week’s caption contest winner Girly at thedailyhello. If you love Girly’s captions, you may also love her 1986 disco hit Rollercoaster. Rollercoaster is also a fitting title to describe the incredible range of emotions Girly will experience this week as she revels in the highs of her caption contest success before plummeting […]
Wednesday in Three Acts: One Sentence Stories/Tweets You May Have Missed/Caption Contest Finalists
April 13, 2011
Act One: Three One Sentence Stories 1. Get a Room! “Get a room, you two!” I shouted at the couple making out in front of me as they stood at the hotel check-in desk, waiting for me to rent them a room. 2. Dance Like Nobody’s Watching “Yes, my pretty, continue to dance like nobody […]
Laura Wins Caption Contest: Awarded Life of the Party Status for Coming Week
April 10, 2011
Congratulations to Laura at unlikelyexplanations.com for winning this weeks caption contest! Depending on how you look at it, all of you who submitted captions are winners. Although this would be an incorrect way to look at it because Laura is the real winner. What did Laura win? For one week Laura will be allowed to […]
Select Your King Caption
April 6, 2011
Make sure and vote in this week’s caption contest. The winner will receive the following prizes: 1. The honorary title King Caption. 2. Will be allowed to butt in buffet lines with no repercussions. 3. Will be allowed to eat whatever he or she wants for one week and won’t gain weight (I will be […]
Caption Contest: MattJ Awarded Can-do Attitude! Who Can Can-don’t His Can-do?
April 3, 2011
MattJ has done it again, securing the rights to the title Captain Caption for another week! MattJ has also been awarded a ‘can-do’ attitude. Your confidence will be felt by others, including oncoming traffic, allowing you to make left-hand turns at any place and any time. No matter how fast those cars seem to be […]
Elect Your Caption King or Queen!
March 30, 2011
Thank you for your outstanding submissions. I hate excluding anyone and I considered narrowing the captions down to thirty-five instead of five, but I realized thirty-five wouldn’t meet the strictest definition of ‘narrowing down’ since I received exactly thirty-five submissions. If you feel your submission was more deserving than any of these five, please remind […]
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The Good Greatsby 
May 11, 2012
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