Yoko Ono’s Wishing Tree

I recently visited a sculpture garden out in the Hamptons, and the tour guide showed us a wish tree donated by Yoko Ono. There were little slips of paper and pencils and the guide told us, “You write your wish, tie it to the tree, and Yoko Ono says maybe your wish might come true.”

So I wrote on a slip of paper, “I wish John Lennon had never met Yoko Ono.”

Because she broke up The Beatles, right? The Beatles might still be together today.

But as I was walking away I saw a sign that said “Every wish is collected and personally read by Yoko Ono”, and I started to worry. Maybe my wish was a little too mean, and if Yoko Ono has the power to grant wishes, she might turn that wishing power against whomever submitted this wish. So I took it down.

Instead I wrote, “I wish Yoko Ono had met Mick Jagger before John Lennon.” That seemed a little less mean. Unless you’re a fan of The Rolling Stones.

(I know there might be some readers who feel strongly about The Rolling Stones, and if it makes you feel any better, you should know I don’t know what I’m talking about.)

…..

Yoko Ono has me in a reflective mood as I consider my wishes and goals for the coming year.

This year I’d like to take the bar exam. There are some states that allow you to take the bar without attending law school, and although I have no interest in the law, I do have an interest in telling people I’m taking the bar.

“Are you coming to our high school reunion?”
“Sorry, I’m taking the bar this weekend.”

“Can you help me move Saturday?”
“Sorry, I’m taking the bar this weekend.”

“Sir, excuse me it’s one Hot Pocket sample per customer, not per pocket.”
“Sorry, I’m taking the bar this weekend.”

Of course I’ll fail, but so did John F. Kennedy Jr. Twice. And he went on to be People magazine’s sexiest man alive so I see bar exam failure as a potential springboard to my bigger goals.

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I don’t want to jump right into my goals for 2022 without acknowledging the accomplishments of 2021. I finally watched the TV show Friends all the way through. I’d seen the occasional episode but I resisted watching the whole thing because whenever anybody asked me for help I liked being able to say, “I’m just so busy right now. I haven’t even seen Friends yet.” But now that I’ve decided to use studying for the bar as my stock excuse it felt like it was okay to retire the Friends excuse.

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Does it seem at all suspicious that Yoko Ono is collecting wishes? If you had a genie and you weren’t sure what you could wish for that would upset the most people because you’d already broken up the Beatles, wouldn’t it make sense to gather data on our collective wishes so you could wish the opposite?

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This year I’d like to be more entrepreneurial and start a business. Here’s a great business idea: I bet people would pay to literally shoot fish in a barrel.

Sounds easy, right? But what if it’s not? You gotta admit you’re curious. And guess what, the first shot is free? It’s free and famously easy, what’s holding you back from giving it a try?

But if you do miss that first free shot, it’s going to eat at you, and of course you’ll want to give it another try. This is when I tell you the second shot costs a hundred bucks.

I really make my money on group dates. If you’re on a shooting-fish-in-a-barrel double date, it’s definitely to your advantage to go first. What fish-in-a-barrel rookies don’t know is that after the first fish gets shot, the rest of the fish don’t understand what happened, but they definitely know the thing that happened took place in the top area of the barrel. “Maybe we’ll avoid the top surface area and hang out at the bottom of this barrel for a while.”

And the guy who shoots second is gonna have a much tougher time hitting a fish when they’re all the way at the bottom. After a few missed shots his date gives him a look of disgust and is like, “Isn’t this supposed to be easy?”

Just make sure that second guy pays in advance or you get a credit card on file because after a dozen missed shots each costing him $100 he’s going to be pissed.

And he’s got a gun.

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I was reading Yoko Ono’s Wikipedia page, and did you know she was in a Japanese mental institution in the early 1960s? I like to think of Yoko Ono roommate telling visitors that her last roommate married a Beatle, and people patting her hand and saying, “Of course she did. And I bet you’ll marry Elvis Presley.”