Monsters Groan For Equal Rights

Posted on October 25, 2011


Monsters have made great strides in the last few decades as society becomes more and more tolerant and chooses to celebrate our differences.  This means vampires, zombies, and werewolves have emerged from the shadows figuratively, although they often remain in the shadows literally.

But some critics worry tolerance of monsters has gone too far and the country wants to know whether our leaders are willing to take a stand for monsters or will run screaming from monsters.  If we treat monsters as second-class citizens, how long before they feel disenfranchised and turn to violence?  Or rather more violence.

With Halloween fast approaching, now is as good a time as any to ask President Obama and the 2012 Republican Presidential candidates to state their position on the following monster issues:

In the literal shadows.

With many critics claiming affirmative action has gone too far, would you support government prosecution of witches who only hire black cats?

Would you support allowing zombie children to attend public schools?  Yes, their parents don’t pay any taxes, but isn’t it better to have zombie kids in school during the day than out roaming the streets?

Most experts agree recycling must be a keystone of building a sustainable economy, so why are you condemning Dr. Frankenstein for recycling body parts?

Many local governments fund dog pounds to put dogs to sleep if they are unclaimed after one week.  If a werewolf is impounded and turns back into a human before the week is up, should he be allowed to leave on his own recognizance?  Or if an owner never claims him after seven days, should he still be put to sleep?

The Bill of Rights guarantees a right to bear arms, but what about the right to bear wooden stakes?

If a full moon causes some of America’s citizens to turn into werewolves and then attack other Americans once a month, should we consider the moon a threat to our national security?  Would you support preemptive military action against the moon?

If a vampire pays into social security for 40 years and retires at 62, should he be able to collect

This poor cat can't find any work in the Witch Industry.

social security for the next 500 years of his life?

If Dr. Frankenstein creates a monster using 51% of a deceased spouse, is the living spouse entitled to 51% of the deceased’s social security?  And if the deceased spouse is now mostly alive, should the living spouse have to return 51% of any life insurance?

The law guarantees a general right to privacy, but why have no ghosts ever been prosecuted for watching the living go to the bathroom?

America spends $700 billion a year on its military and is constantly looking for ways to cut costs.  With the price of silver skyrocketing, isn’t it time to develop a cheaper anti-werewolf weapon than silver bullets?

Americans have just begun warming to the idea of Frankenstein’s monster being guaranteed the same marriage rights as the rest of us.  America may accept a Bride of Frankenstein, but is it ready for a Groom of Frankenstein?

Posted in: Columns