Browsing All posts tagged under »Halloween«

Most Honorable Salem Town Magistrates

October 29, 2012


(Click here to listen to Paul perform the audio version) October 31, 1692 Most Honorable Salem Town Magistrates, I desireth not to grumble and air thy soiled breeches in public, and it paineth me to bring considerations to the faults of the Salem Town magistrates, but the inefficiency of the public witch-burnings driveth me up […]

The Absolute Worst Things You Could Get on Halloween

October 26, 2012


Every kid who’s ever been trick-or-treating has made a mental list of the very worst things you can get on Halloween. Even if you’re an adult and haven’t been trick-or-treating in thirty years you still remember the neighbors who gave toothbrushes at Halloween. And that’s the only thing you remember about those neighbors because nobody […]

Happy Halloween!

October 31, 2011


We decorated our yard for Halloween yesterday, and because most people don’t genuinely fear plastic skeletons and fake cobwebs, I always like to include something that plays on a genuine fear.  This year I chose fear of flying: I’m really pleased with how the smoke turned out.  The trick-or-treaters will be here any minute, but […]

Saturday Hallowiener

October 29, 2011


My seven-year-old son, The Fonz, came downstairs and told his brother, “I just made a book and you can’t read it.” Optimist Prime barely looked up from his book before answering, “Okay.” “It’s full of secrets and you can’t see any of them.” “That’s fine.” “It’s full of secret codes and mysteries.  Not even you […]

Monstrous Captions

October 28, 2011


If you should feel any discomfort during the procedure, just send me a signal by breaking your constraints, smashing the room, and burning the nearby village. This won’t hurt a bit…until I flip the switch to send 10,000 volts of electricity through your body. Sorry, I know you requested a black chest restraint to match […]

Scary Posts You May Have Missed

October 27, 2011


I complied a list of past posts that might be relevant before Halloween and guarantee you’ll be the hit of every party. In yesterday’s post some readers mentioned they weren’t familiar with Rebecca Black of ‘Friday’ fame, maybe because they were too busy wasting time reading books.  Read how the song Friday haunted me so […]

What Do Justin Bieber, Gaddhafi’s Hat, and Hanging Chads Have in Common?

October 26, 2011


Just when you thought you had the perfect topical Halloween costume planned, the biebshell story broke late yesterday. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez adopted a puppy together.  And now isn’t it obvious everyone at your office will be scrambling to jump on the biebwagon and create a GoBiebz puppy costume? You probably remember exactly where […]

Monsters Groan For Equal Rights

October 25, 2011


Monsters have made great strides in the last few decades as society becomes more and more tolerant and chooses to celebrate our differences.  This means vampires, zombies, and werewolves have emerged from the shadows figuratively, although they often remain in the shadows literally. But some critics worry tolerance of monsters has gone too far and […]

Tips for Introducing Your Monster Boyfriend

October 24, 2011


Your parents never like the guys you bring home.  They just can’t understand why you always seem to be attracted to bad boys. They called your last boyfriend a ‘monster’; how will they react when they learn your new boyfriend really is a monster? Literally. We may be living in a progressive age but don’t […]

Dear Good Greatsby: Help! I’m a Zombie Trying to Kick My Brains Addiction!

October 19, 2011


The first question comes from Binky of Wombania Comics who appears to be suffering an existential crisis. Dear Good Greatsby, I might be a pumpkin. What should I do? And don’t say make pie! Binky Dear Binky, Paul: During the Halloween season, psychiatrists always report an uptick in patients claiming to be pumpkins.  These patients […]