Browsing All posts tagged under »marriage«

A Responsible Life is a Life Half Lived

August 22, 2013


When you’re just a kid you look at all the life ahead of you as a series of milestones: I can’t wait to be a teenager. I can’t wait to get my driver’s license. I can’t wait to get a fake driver’s license. I can’t wait to have sex for the first time. I can’t […]

Sad News for Boring Romantics

January 18, 2013


A couple who met on Facebook after realizing they shared the same name, Kelly Hildebrandt, have decided to divorce after three years of marriage, as reported by news organizations all over the world. Discouraged couples everywhere are asking themselves the same question: If a couple who based their marriage on having the same name can’t […]

Just When You Thought It Was Safe for Your Husband to Have an Official Biographer

November 14, 2012


If you follow the news, or spy on the CIA, you’ve probably heard about CIA Director David Petraeus resigning after investigators discovered he was having an affair with his biographer. Take this as a warning, wives: you thought you only had to worry about your husband getting too close to his secretary; now you have […]

If My Wife Were so Perfect, She’d Have Better Taste in Husbands

September 19, 2012


If there’s one thing I like about my wife…that would be a discouragingly low number. But if there’s one thing I like about my wife, I like that she likes me. There’s something intoxicatingly attractive about a woman with such good taste. She’s my biggest fan. And I wish I could return the favor. I […]

Making Ourselves at Home at Your Home

June 22, 2012


When my wife and I are invited into someone’s house and are greeted with the offer “Make yourself at home,” we consider this to be a broad legal cover for any of our bad behavior. If I hit on my wife at home, and I’m making myself at home at your home, how can you […]

Let Me Be Your Motivational Antagonist

April 30, 2012


It’s kind of a big day around here. After three long years, and an immeasurable amount of hours not paying enough attention to me and not giving me enough compliments, my wife finished her masters thesis. We’ve been celebrating all day as though Mrs. Greatsby had accomplished something significant, although I feel I’m the one […]

If She Had Four Eyes, One Should Be On Me

March 26, 2012


Mrs. Greatsby is in the last lap of completing her master’s degree. After three years of hard work and not paying enough attention to me, she’s only a month a way from completing her thesis and fulfilling my dream of her paying more attention to me. I was pretty satisfied with the amount of attention […]

The Distracted Detective Strikes Again…Or At Least I Think He Did

March 19, 2012


As I’ve written before, I’ve often fantasized about being a detective because I like a good mystery, enjoy calling women ‘dames’, and appreciate any excuse for staying out late. And I’m pretty good at deciphering clues. Just last week Mrs. Greatsby asked me who had tracked jam all over the kitchen floor and it only […]

Things I Can’t Buy One Day After Telling My Wife We Can’t Afford Braces for the Kids

February 21, 2012


The worst thing is when I tell my wife we can’t afford to get the kids braces, and then the very next day I see a deal on something I’ve always wanted and she gives me a dirty look when I come home with any of the following: A walk-in humidor. Braces for my mistress’ […]

Cutting the Cheese is a Cinnamon for Passing Gas

February 18, 2012


A Sentence Parsing: How can children seem so very smart and so very not smart at the same time? I’ve developed an elaborate system for quantifying my children’s statements to determine whether I should be worried or not. I applied this system to the following: At the dinner table Optimist Prime asked Mrs. Greatsby to […]

Date Night with the Greatsbys

January 27, 2012


The Fonz and Optimist Prime spent the evening at a dinner party with some of their friends. Actually, the party was described as a movie night, but I prefer to think this was a cover for their higher-brow plans to discuss this month’s New Yorker and the finer points of tying a cravat. Hopefully once […]

Bali with the Greatsbys

December 28, 2011


“What is it about being on holiday that makes me always want to be on holiday?” –Mrs. Good Greatsby Every time we go on vacation I relearn the lesson that no matter how expensive the hotel, how beautiful the scenery, or how fascinating the culture, the best part of the kids’ vacation will be the […]