It’s All Chinese Whispers to Me

August 14, 2019

17

I’m Somewhere Where I Don’t Know Where I Am I’ve lived abroad for fifteen years of my adult life, spent years studying foreign languages–both German and Chinese, and made international friends from all over. The memories are starting to blur together. Do you remember the time We were eating Italian food After Chinese class With […]

Posted in: humor

Let Me Join Your Conspiracy Theory

July 31, 2019

40

I loved James Bond as a kid. I can tell I’m getting older, maybe a little grumpier, because in recent movies, I still root for James Bond to win, but the super-villain is starting to make a lot of sense. James Bond villains don’t get enough respect. My background is in project management and I know it must take a lot of creativity, ambition and project management organizational skills to almost pull off a conspiracy in a world where everyone skims emails.

Posted in: humor

You’ve Been Tying Your Shoelaces Wrong

April 27, 2017

50

Breaking News: According to the International Institute for Studies, studies have shown more studies are needed. Study 1: Science on a shoestring budget This is embarrassing. I’ve been tying my shoelaces wrong for three decades. Scientists have solved the mystery of why our shoelaces untie when we walk. A team at UC Berkley spent two […]

The Canceling Plans Revolution

February 28, 2017

42

When I look back at my life I realize all my happiest moments involved plans falling through. When Mom flips through a photo album and talks about the big moments in life that brought her joy, a wedding, a family reunion, a child’s piano recital, I realize all of my happiest, most fulfilling moments have […]

Posted in: Advice, humor

80% of Success is Showing Up. 20% is Never Leaving

January 11, 2017

51

‘80% of success in life is just showing up.’ I like to remember that saying when setting resolutions for the new year. Success isn’t about hard work. It’s about showing up to parties you weren’t invited to. The origins of the saying are uncertain. Some attribute the quote to Woody Allen, but others say it […]

Posted in: Advice, humor

FREE. The Confused Man’s Guide to Publishing Success

November 2, 2016

49

I carefully consider each rejection I receive, and I’m sorry to say that yours isn’t a perfect fit for me. I do appreciate that you wrote to me and wish you the very best luck finding a different writer to reject.

Posted in: Advice, humor

At Last, London Hipsters Have Created a Café for Cat Ladies

October 13, 2016

44

We recently adopted a kitten and last week I took her for a round of vaccinations. The next day I took my 12-year-old son for a round of vaccinations. The cat was much easier. Part of the problem is that society frowns on transporting children in pet carriers. (When my oldest son and I went […]

Posted in: cats

‘Loudly Amorous Guests’ and the 10 Most Aggravating Travelers

September 20, 2016

63

I just finished a month performing a one-man standup show in Scotland as part of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and after a month of traveling I feel especially qualified to comment on this survey by Expedia asking 1,000 Americans to name the behaviors they find most aggravating in fellow hotel guests. 29% complained about the […]

Posted in: Travel

Dr. Heimlich, Ebola, and the Strange Case of Jennifer Herpes

June 2, 2016

49

The 96-year-old inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, Dr. Henry Heimlich used the technique last week to save an 87-year-old woman choking on a piece of meat. This was the first time Dr. Heimlich had used the maneuver to save a life, though he’d used it many times to save on drinks: ‘Who wants to cough […]

Posted in: humor

Revenge of the Rubik’s Cube Nerds

May 26, 2016

53

Last weekend I accompanied my 12-year-old son as he competed in an all day Rubik’s Cube competition. It was exhausting. Not for him but for me. After just an hour my voice was already hoarse from shouting, ‘Nerd. Nerd. Nerd. You and you and you. Nerds.’ But the nerds were everywhere. My sons keep telling […]

Posted in: Family, humor

Air Conditioners for President!

March 15, 2016

31

I’m a peace-loving man. Indeed I was kicked out of the Peace Corps for loving peace too much. Those phonies in the Peace Corps say they want peace, but I was the only one willing to fight for it. As part of my commitment to spreading peace I’m constantly studying the science of aggression, and […]

Posted in: humor

It’s Better to Be Safe Than Friendly

February 24, 2016

52

I was watching the news and they said the majority of murder victims are killed by people they know. I bring this up any time my wife tries to get me to meet new people. The fewer people you know, the safer you’ll be. I say no to parent teacher conferences, open houses, book clubs, […]

Posted in: Breaking News Fixed