‘Loudly Amorous Guests’ and Other Aggravating Travelers

September 20, 2016

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I just finished a month performing a one-man standup show in Scotland as part of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and after a month of traveling I feel especially qualified to comment on this survey by Expedia asking 1,000 Americans to name the behaviors they find most aggravating in fellow hotel guests. 29% complained about the […]

Posted in: Travel

Dr. Heimlich, Ebola, and the Strange Case of Jennifer Herpes

June 2, 2016

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The 96-year-old inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, Dr. Henry Heimlich used the technique last week to save an 87-year-old woman choking on a piece of meat. This was the first time Dr. Heimlich had used the maneuver to save a life, though he’d used it many times to save on drinks: ‘Who wants to cough […]

Posted in: humor

Revenge of the Rubik’s Cube Nerds

May 26, 2016

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Last weekend I accompanied my 12-year-old son as he competed in an all day Rubik’s Cube competition. It was exhausting. Not for him but for me. After just an hour my voice was already hoarse from shouting, ‘Nerd. Nerd. Nerd. You and you and you. Nerds.’ But the nerds were everywhere. My sons keep telling […]

Posted in: Family, humor

Air Conditioners for President!

March 15, 2016

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I’m a peace-loving man. Indeed I was kicked out of the Peace Corps for loving peace too much. Those phonies in the Peace Corps say they want peace, but I was the only one willing to fight for it. As part of my commitment to spreading peace I’m constantly studying the science of aggression, and […]

Posted in: humor

It’s Better to Be Safe Than Friendly

February 24, 2016

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I was watching the news and they said the majority of murder victims are killed by people they know. I bring this up any time my wife tries to get me to meet new people. The fewer people you know, the safer you’ll be. I say no to parent teacher conferences, open houses, book clubs, […]

Posted in: Breaking News Fixed

If I’m Successful, Why Don’t I Have More Haters?

February 17, 2016

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I believe it was either Jesus or Taylor Swift who said, ‘The haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.’ There are two types of people in this world: those who love Taylor Swift, and haters. There are two types of people in this world: those who love Cam Newton, and haters. There are two types […]

Posted in: Columns

Starting a To-Do List is on My To-Do List

February 9, 2016

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An inventor recently sued 3M for 400 million dollars, claiming he invented the Post-it note back in 1973. He claims his product was called the Press-on and he showed it to 3M executives in 1974. I can’t help wondering why it took him over 40 years to sue. How do you forget someone owes you […]

Posted in: humor

Adele’s New Single is Selling Like Hot Dogs!

February 2, 2016

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When I was a kid everyone gave me career advice. Dad said, ‘Paul, you’ve got to study computers. Computers are selling like hotcakes.’ My brother said, ‘You’ve got to study programming. Dotcoms are selling like hotcakes.’ My brother-in-law told me, ‘Study real estate. You gotta flip properties. They’re selling like hotcakes.’ I gave it some […]

Posted in: humor

Indifferent Tourism Campaigns

January 26, 2016

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I’ve traveled all over the world and love everything about traveling except the travel. I’d love to have all those exotic places come to me without having to leave the house. I’ve been taking my shoes off at airports for years and years and I’m tired of re-tying shoelaces. I’d love to work as a […]

Posted in: humor

Hot Investment Tip: Put All Your Savings into Gratuities

January 19, 2016

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Some people take restaurant service very seriously. You may have noticed these are also the people who take themselves very seriously. If you’ve ever spent the evening in the company of a self-appointed service industry critic, you quickly realize the dressing down of a 19-year-old waitress is a much greater strain on the evening than […]

Posted in: Columns

My 11-Year-Old Tries Very, Very Hard to Explain the Plot of Inside Out

January 12, 2016

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When my kids were small my wife told me I shouldn’t tease them, and I told her that it was too late to re-negotiate the terms of our agreement to have children. Teasing and its potential for producing comedy material was one of the strongest ‘pros’ in the reproduction column. Unfortunately, as the kids have […]

Posted in: Family, humor

The 1st Annual Award Show Awards Recognizing Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Awards

January 5, 2016

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Every year at Christmas it was a tradition for Mom to make her ‘World Famous Potato Salad’. It was also a tradition for the salad to be terrible. We’d try and explain potato salad was more of a summer food, and she’d say that was fine because summer was when she’d prepared it. When I […]

Posted in: Humor Columns