You’ve Been Tying Your Shoelaces Wrong

April 27, 2017

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Breaking News: According to the International Institute for Studies, studies have shown more studies are needed. Study 1: Science on a shoestring budget This is embarrassing. I’ve been tying my shoelaces wrong for three decades. Scientists have solved the mystery of why our shoelaces untie when we walk. A team at UC Berkley spent two […]

The Canceling Plans Revolution

February 28, 2017

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When I look back at my life I realize all my happiest moments involved plans falling through. When Mom flips through a photo album and talks about the big moments in life that brought her joy, a wedding, a family reunion, a child’s piano recital, I realize all of my happiest, most fulfilling moments have […]

Posted in: Advice, humor

80% of Success is Showing Up. 20% is Never Leaving

January 11, 2017

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‘80% of success in life is just showing up.’ I like to remember that saying when setting resolutions for the new year. Success isn’t about hard work. It’s about showing up to parties you weren’t invited to. The origins of the saying are uncertain. Some attribute the quote to Woody Allen, but others say it […]

Posted in: Advice, humor

FREE. The Confused Man’s Guide to Publishing Success

November 2, 2016

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I carefully consider each rejection I receive, and I’m sorry to say that yours isn’t a perfect fit for me. I do appreciate that you wrote to me and wish you the very best luck finding a different writer to reject.

Posted in: Advice, humor

At Last, London Hipsters Have Created a Café for Cat Ladies

October 13, 2016

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We recently adopted a kitten and last week I took her for a round of vaccinations. The next day I took my 12-year-old son for a round of vaccinations. The cat was much easier. Part of the problem is that society frowns on transporting children in pet carriers. (When my oldest son and I went […]

Posted in: cats

‘Loudly Amorous Guests’ and the 10 Most Aggravating Travelers

September 20, 2016

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I just finished a month performing a one-man standup show in Scotland as part of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and after a month of traveling I feel especially qualified to comment on this survey by Expedia asking 1,000 Americans to name the behaviors they find most aggravating in fellow hotel guests. 29% complained about the […]

Posted in: Travel

Dr. Heimlich, Ebola, and the Strange Case of Jennifer Herpes

June 2, 2016

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The 96-year-old inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, Dr. Henry Heimlich used the technique last week to save an 87-year-old woman choking on a piece of meat. This was the first time Dr. Heimlich had used the maneuver to save a life, though he’d used it many times to save on drinks: ‘Who wants to cough […]

Posted in: humor

Revenge of the Rubik’s Cube Nerds

May 26, 2016

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Last weekend I accompanied my 12-year-old son as he competed in an all day Rubik’s Cube competition. It was exhausting. Not for him but for me. After just an hour my voice was already hoarse from shouting, ‘Nerd. Nerd. Nerd. You and you and you. Nerds.’ But the nerds were everywhere. My sons keep telling […]

Posted in: Family, humor

Air Conditioners for President!

March 15, 2016

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I’m a peace-loving man. Indeed I was kicked out of the Peace Corps for loving peace too much. Those phonies in the Peace Corps say they want peace, but I was the only one willing to fight for it. As part of my commitment to spreading peace I’m constantly studying the science of aggression, and […]

Posted in: humor

It’s Better to Be Safe Than Friendly

February 24, 2016

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I was watching the news and they said the majority of murder victims are killed by people they know. I bring this up any time my wife tries to get me to meet new people. The fewer people you know, the safer you’ll be. I say no to parent teacher conferences, open houses, book clubs, […]

Posted in: Breaking News Fixed

If I’m Successful, Why Don’t I Have More Haters?

February 17, 2016

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I believe it was either Jesus or Taylor Swift who said, ‘The haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.’ There are two types of people in this world: those who love Taylor Swift, and haters. There are two types of people in this world: those who love Cam Newton, and haters. There are two types […]

Posted in: Columns

Starting a To-Do List is on My To-Do List

February 9, 2016

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An inventor recently sued 3M for 400 million dollars, claiming he invented the Post-it note back in 1973. He claims his product was called the Press-on and he showed it to 3M executives in 1974. I can’t help wondering why it took him over 40 years to sue. How do you forget someone owes you […]

Posted in: humor