Browsing All posts tagged under »news«

You’ve Been Tying Your Shoelaces Wrong

April 27, 2017


Breaking News: According to the International Institute for Studies, studies have shown more studies are needed. Study 1: Science on a shoestring budget This is embarrassing. I’ve been tying my shoelaces wrong for three decades. Scientists have solved the mystery of why our shoelaces untie when we walk. A team at UC Berkley spent two […]

It’s Better to Be Safe Than Friendly

February 24, 2016


I was watching the news and they said the majority of murder victims are killed by people they know. I bring this up any time my wife tries to get me to meet new people. The fewer people you know, the safer you’ll be. I say no to parent teacher conferences, open houses, book clubs, […]

Boyfriend Goes Hog Wild

April 27, 2012


A Florida man on a hunting trip accidentally shot his girlfriend in the leg when he mistook her for a hog. When she woke up, I wonder how that conversation went. “What happened? Did you shoot me?” “Baby, I promise it was an accident; from a distance you looked just like a hog.” “Can I hold […]

Detergent Thefts Leave Stores Hanging Out to Dry

March 14, 2012


News reports claim American stores are experiencing a spike in thefts of Tide laundry detergent. Apparently the high retail value of Tide, $10 to $20 a bottle, and the lack of a serial number, make it an attractive target for thieves to steal and resell. I’m pretty sure the story has been blown out of […]

When the Ship Goes Down, the Captain’s Nowhere to be Found

January 19, 2012


You’re probably familiar with the story of the cruise ship crashing into rocks near the coast of a small Italian village. The captain has drawn fire for apparently deviating from the planned course in an attempt to come closer to shore, possibly to try and give a friend high-five while passing. The comedy of errors […]

Yearbook Names Senior Girl Vale-strip-torian

January 13, 2012


In another slow news day, major media outlets are reporting on the plight of a Colorado high school girl whose senior picture was deemed too racy for the yearbook. After being told her picture was rejected for being inappropriate, she was allowed to submit a second picture which was also rejected. The girl and her […]

Scrabble Contestant Accused of Hiding G in His A

October 20, 2011


A missing letter ‘G’ during a World Scrabble Championships match resulted in accusations of cheating as the losing player demanded his opponent be strip-searched.  Both players were asked to turn out their pockets but the missing tile was never found and officials refused to conduct the requested strip search.  I’ve composed the following headlines to […]

Obama Baby Drama

September 20, 2011


I found this picture of Obama with a baby but I wasn’t able to find the associated headline and had to create my own: Townspeople Demand Refund After Seeing Local Obama Impersonator Side-By-Side With Real President President’s Efforts to Change Child’s Diaper Bring Accusations of ‘Smear Tactics’ Obama Warns Crowd of Dangerous GOP Plan to […]

Rubik’s Cube Solving Robot? Now Robots Will be Stealing Our Rubik’s Cube Solving Jobs, Too!

March 22, 2011


There’s so much going on in the world, but my wife is still sick of my contrarian take on the news and won’t discuss current events with me.  I’m forced once again to post my comments online: 1. A student creates a robot that can solve a Rubik’s Cube in fifteen seconds: Aww, man, now […]

BREAKING NEWS!!!: Charlie Sheen, Mark Cuban talk about ‘things’

March 7, 2011


Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks, is in talks with Charlie Sheen on a potential new show for his network HDNet. Mark Cuban gave no hints as to the show’s premise, but might Cuban be giving us a clue through his riveting use of the word ‘things’?