Dear Good Greatsby: Help! I’m a Zombie Trying to Kick My Brains Addiction!

Posted on October 19, 2011


The first question comes from Binky of Wombania Comics who appears to be suffering an existential crisis.

Dear Good Greatsby,
I might be a pumpkin. What should I do? And don’t say make pie!

Dear Binky,

Paul: During the Halloween season, psychiatrists always report an uptick in patients claiming to be pumpkins.  These patients are usually concerned because they’ve experienced a combination of any of the following symptoms:

A roundish body shape coupled with an unfortunate spray tan.

Being thumped on the head to check for firmness.

An increase in popularity throughout the month of October followed by a sharp drop starting on November 1.

A recent stabbing and theft of internal organs.

If you’ve recently experienced any of these symptoms, there may be a perfectly ordinary non-pumpkin explanation and you should see a doctor immediately.

The next question comes from the zombie at

Dear Mr. Greatsby,

Let me start by saying that I’m a zombie. No, seriously. I’m a very fashion-forward, intelligent, beautiful zombie, but I am a zombie nonetheless. I have managed to refrain from eating anyone since the early days of my zombie-hood, but Halloween is an especially difficult time for me. The kids walk around, covered in fake blood, fake bones protruding from fake gashes in their bodies. This is temptation I am not sure I can resist. Please help. The ZA meetings just aren’t doing it for me anymore.


Dear Luda,

Paul: I applaud your efforts to be a humane zombie and hope your question can bring attention to the sad plight of so many socially-conscious zombies who try and be good citizens but are automatically lumped into the same category of zombies who eat brains, vandalize doors and windows, and trample gardens.

America’s leaders would like you to believe all zombies are dangerous, but of course those politicians are only repeating the scare tactics of the powerful hammer, nail, and board industries.  If you want further evidence of money being the largest factor in our national biases, look at the great strides vampires have made in the last twenty years, purely based on the financial weakness of the garlic and crucifix industries.

I’ve often been chastised by friends for my tolerance of zombies, and I guess it’s because I’ve always remembered the words of Robert Frost in his poem Mending Wall: Something there is that doesn’t love a wall, That wants it down; and I find poetry in the zombie effort to tear down the literal walls dividing humans from zombies.

There are indeed some good zombies out there.  My cousin married a zombie and at first we all hated him–because he talked during movies–but he turned out to be exactly what she needed.  At first we disapproved of his relentless talk of brains, but in time we realized how refreshing it was to meet a young man who could remain focused on one thing and really knew what he wanted to do with his unlife.  So many of her previous boyfriends had lacked direction and drifted from one short-term job to the next, but this new fiance only wanted one thing and he was willing to knock down doors to get it.

I even asked him to babysit my sons a couple times, hoping some of his focus would rub off on them.  You know how kids are today: one week it’s video games, then the next it’s skateboards, then they love baseball, then the next week they’ve got to have all the Star Wars Legos sets.  I wish they would just pick one thing, even if it’s brains.  This would make Christmas and birthday shopping so much easier.

Here are a few tricks that may help you overcome your craving for brains:

Have you tried replacing one addiction with another?  Maybe you should start smoking or biting necks.

Try and duplicate experiences that give you all the satisfaction of zombie activities minus the brain eating.  For example, why not order a pizza but ask the delivery company to leave the pie in an old abandoned house on the edge of town and then board up all the doors and windows?  You may find the real satisfaction of being a zombie actually comes from tearing down boards, not from eating brains.

I’m a big believer in our ability to change our thinking with positive reinforcement and daily affirmations.  If you go around constantly muttering, “Brains, brains, brains, brains, brains,” you can’t be surprised when brains are all you can manage to think about.  Try muttering something else all day.  Do you have a friend named Brian who you never remember to call?  You might find muttering, “Brian, Brian, Brian,” all day to be an easy transition.

Do you have a question for The Good Greatsby?

Submit your questions on the Dear Good Greatsby page.