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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Valentine Hangover: Role-playing Gone Wrong
Yesterday, police in Portland were called to investigate reports of an unclothed woman tied up in the back of a Subaru, only to discover she and the driver were playing an elaborate role-playing game to celebrate Valentine’s Day. I like to think once the police officers understood the situation, they took turns teasing the couple […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Fonz and Whatshername Sitting in a Tree: Part 3
February 14, 2012
This might surprise you, but I tend to joke around a lot with my kids. They rarely believe anything I say because I give parenting advice with the same straight face in which I give zombie-escape-route advice–all while wearing a smoking jacket and pretending to smoke a pipe. But I have given the kids a […]
Posted in: Family
Half-Hearted Valentine’s Day Cards
February 13, 2012
If I could go back in time 30 years and marry you all over again, I would in an instant… …but let me be clear I mean I’d marry the 25-year-old version of you, back when you could really rock a swimsuit. After 50 Valentine’s Days together, I realize more than ever that mere words […]
Posted in: Columns
Chinglish Shampoo for Nerd Dogs
February 12, 2012
I volunteered at a pet shelter as a teenager and when I bathed the animals, we weren’t fortunate enough to have such fancy shampoos like the one below I found in a local Shanghai pet store. This magic formula seems to promise the dispelling of amorous activity: ‘Aim at the pet skin scraps problem effectively […]
Posted in: Chinglish
The Fonz Makes Three Fashion Choices in Hopes of Impressing a Girl
February 11, 2012
If you’ve followed each stage of The Fonz’s budding romance with Whatshername, you’ll remember the fateful moment when she complimented his funny clothes, probably without appreciating the impact her remark would have on the over-confidence portion of his brain, the flamboyance of his future outfits, or his parents’ efforts to move up the ladder of […]
Posted in: Columns, Uncategorized
Facebook IPO Reveals Potential Threats to World Domination
February 10, 2012
Today’s post is over at Huffington Post: Facebook IPO Reveals Potential Threats to World Domination Wouldn’t it be fun to click on this link a bunch of times throughout your day? And wouldn’t it be fun to leave lots and lots of comments over at Huffington and click every like, share, and subscribe button in […]
Posted in: Huffington Post
Inspiring the Next Generation of Writers: A List of My Demands
February 9, 2012
Last week I received an invitation to speak to a group of local students about writing. Maybe the students were fans of this blog. Or maybe they heard about all the exciting writing projects I have going on. Or maybe my ten-year-old son was in the class and my wife was the school librarian. Regardless […]
Posted in: Columns
First International Mustache Film Festival
February 8, 2012
The first mustache film festival is scheduled to premiere next month in Portland, Maine. The festival aims to celebrate short films featuring mustachioed main characters or mustache storylines. For all aspiring directors hoping to submit a mustache film for consideration, please consider one of the following as a potential name for your movie: Triminator Schindler’s […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Trump Endorses Romney, May Sway Multimillionaire Blowhard Voting Bloc
February 7, 2012
Donald Trump’s endorsement of Mitt Romney for President really shouldn’t be much of a surprise considering the startling similarities between the two men. Excerpts from Trump’s endorsement: “I actually offered my endorsement to all the candidates but Romney was the only one who would agree to accept the endorsement while standing behind a lectern with […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Easing Others into Emotional Bankruptcy
February 6, 2012
There’s an art to managing relationships and confrontation. In the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey talks about an emotional bank account requiring us to make deposits with people before we can make withdrawals. This section of the book has always meant a lot to me because it was the […]
Posted in: Columns
Chinglish Pet Care
February 5, 2012
I visited a local pet store on Friday. It’s a good thing pets can’t read because they ‘d probably be alarmed if they saw their owners buying either of the products below: Apparently this Friend Baby product for ‘syrup-black to rid of vermin’ either tastes like insect candy or will taste like candy to insects. […]
Posted in: Chinglish
Two Pictures of the Boys
February 4, 2012
The Fonz didn’t need any encouragement regarding his fashion choices. We were right to be worried when he came home and told us Whatshername had remarked, “I really like your funny clothes.” That’s all the permission he’ll ever need to wear anything he wants for the rest of his life. This is what he wore […]
Posted in: Family
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February 15, 2012
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