Browsing All posts tagged under »dumb criminals«

That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles

March 8, 2013


A South Carolina man was charged with stealing $19,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies, or 450 cases. Police were able to apprehend the man after asking the public to be on the lookout for anyone exhibiting any suspicious behavior, like gaining two hundred pounds in a day. Parents may want to clip this article to […]

Valentine Hangover: Role-playing Gone Wrong

February 15, 2012


Yesterday, police in Portland were called to investigate reports of an unclothed woman tied up in the back of a Subaru, only to discover she and the driver were playing an elaborate role-playing game to celebrate Valentine’s Day. I like to think once the police officers understood the situation, they took turns teasing the couple […]

Thieves in Doozy After Boozy Two-zy

December 5, 2011


A New Mexico diner called the police after three drunken men stole all their toilet paper.  The TP Trio, as I’m sure their prison inmates will soon dub their nefarious gang, emerged from the bathroom carrying a dozen rolls in their arms and were promptly arrested by police in the parking lot.  You know it […]

Everybody Loves a Clown…Except for Everybody I Know

June 20, 2011


Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the off-duty police officer dressed as a clown who shot a man trying to rob him at gunpoint.  This must be a pretty rundown neighborhood when a clown catches your eye as the wealthiest potential mugging target. Think of all the rich clowns who are members of your country […]

We can’t sit here impotently and wait for the Supermoon to attack! We must strike first!

March 16, 2011


My wife Lorraine knows she can’t tell me about a news event and expect an honest reaction.  My mind is trained to answer with an absurdly-contrarian viewpoint delivered with a straight-faced sincerity.  As a result, my wife will no longer discuss the news with me. I’ve tried calling my friend Andrew: Me: Did you see […]