Yesterday, police in Portland were called to investigate reports of an unclothed woman tied up in the back of a Subaru, only to discover she and the driver were playing an elaborate role-playing game to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
I like to think once the police officers understood the situation, they took turns teasing the couple and trying to one-up each other:
Det. Sipowicz: She really should be in a seatbelt.
Det. Simone: If you want to make a girl feel you went all out to plan her fake kidnapping, couldn’t you do any better than a Subaru?
Sipowicz: My wife and I were also looking to spice up our marriage, but we joined a bowling league.
Simone: Says here on your driver’s licenses that you’re only 31 and 26. My, my, my, so young and already so bored with sex. Hey, lady, if this is what it takes to keep his interest at 31, what are you gonna have to do 5 years from now?
Sipowicz: I’m gettin’ all misty-eyed. This really takes me back; I proposed to my wife the same way.
Simone: Let me guess: you waited until the last minute and all the flower shops were sold out?
Sipowicz: Legally we’re bound to take you in, but I don’t want to be tied up on Valentine’s Day. Get it? Bound and tied up? Laugh or I really will take you in.
Simone: What if you’d been in a car accident? Is this how you’d want your bodies discovered? In a Subaru?
Sipowicz: This is why I keep buying my wife the same card and chocolates every year, regardless of how many times she suggests trying something new.
Simone: Ma’am, do you have any ID on you?
Sipowicz: Did you know your plates have expired?
Simone: My wife tied me up last Valentine’s Day, and just when I thought it was about to get interesting she made me watch the movie Valentine’s Day. Absolutely terrible.
Sipowicz: Dinner and a movie out of your budget?
The Good Greatsby 
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 15, 2012
Post-Valentines Day posts are like the day after the Super Bowl and your team has lost and there are crushed Doritos and salsa all over your carpet and your IBS is shreiking and you just want to move on. Except for this. You are a blog god.
The Good Greatsby
February 15, 2012
As always, you are too kind. I hope your Valentine’s Day was a little less exciting than this one.
spilledinkguy
February 16, 2012
But… dude!
Full-time all-wheel drive?!
Right? Right?
ajg
February 15, 2012
Obviously you’ve never been to Portland. In PDX, it doesn’t get better than a Subaru. Ideally, an older Outback.
The Good Greatsby
February 15, 2012
It’s true I’ve never been to Portland. It’s also true that the chances of me going there have decreased after learning a Subaru is considered cool.
Gow
February 15, 2012
My absolute favorite part of the news story was that the person who called the police saw the naked woman bound in the backseat in a grocery store parking lot! HAHAHA Really?
Simone: What’s the matter? Did he get sick of you making jokes about him always being in the “Express Lane”?
The Good Greatsby
February 15, 2012
What was the guy doing stopped in a grocery store parking lot? Baby, I know you’re tied up in the back, but I really need some cigarettes.
Hippie Cahier
February 15, 2012
I hope it wasn’t a rental.
The Good Greatsby
February 15, 2012
But who would rent a Subaru?
Hippie Cahier
February 15, 2012
There is more to heaven and earth than you and I will understand.
Maybe an Aussie-themed role-play? Dinner at the steakhouse and then a romantic drive/kidnapping? Yeah, I don’t get it either.
susielindau
February 15, 2012
Too funny! It reminds me of the way Danny proposed too! Hahaha!
“Ma’am, do you have any ID on you?” Priceless.
Spectra
February 15, 2012
Do the pink fuzzy handcuffs count as lingerie? Because, I could see how a guy could get all confused about that. “Look, honey – I bought you lingerie:D and you can’t get out of it this time 😀 Not unless you are very, very nice to me 😀 Happy Valentines Day 😀 Can we start now? :D”
thelifeofjamie
February 15, 2012
that sounds horribly embarrassing. However, if I were a cop, those are the kind of calls that would probably make me the happiest!
The Good Greatsby
February 16, 2012
The privilege of recounting these stories is probably what makes being a cop worth it.
EllieAnn
February 15, 2012
LoL.
it’s true. bowling leagues are so hot.
The Good Greatsby
February 16, 2012
It’s the bowling shoes.
Jackie Cangro
February 15, 2012
I think this couple needs a “safe word” in case things start to get out of hand. Like “rhinoceros” or in this case “subaru” seems appropriate.
The Good Greatsby
February 16, 2012
I always thought the best safe word or words would be “Don’t stop.”
Maggie O'C
February 16, 2012
I heard this story on the radio this morning on the way into work. Sadly, since I live in Portland, it didn’t even seem that weird. It would have been perfect Portlandia if it had been in a Prius ZipCar. And he wasn’t getting cigarettes at the store he went to, probably some tofu bites and patchouli oil.
Sigh.
The Good Greatsby
February 16, 2012
I’m happily making my way through Portlandia right now and it makes this story even funnier.
Maggie O'C
February 16, 2012
I love Portlandia! I have friends who don’t like the show, “it’s not that funny.” Um, yes it is and you are living proof that Fred and Carrie have done their homework.
Put a bird on it and enjoy!
The Good Greatsby
February 16, 2012
I’m going to put a bird on everything from now on.
Lunar Euphoria
February 16, 2012
HA! Funny stuff.
I’m loving Portlandia.
gojulesgo
February 16, 2012
Yes! It’s hilarious. All day long I’ve been thinking about the scene where he tries to check out at the grocery store and didn’t bring a reusable bag.
Maggie O'C
February 16, 2012
are you watching the first or second season? Anything in the women’s bookstore slays me! and in the second season when they go rafting is hilarious. Watching whatever the series was on Netflix and they didn’t leave the house. That show is priceless and even more so because i see it everyday. I work with a girl who is on three different Dodgeball teams…love the Hide n Seek episode.
Mark Petruska
February 17, 2012
I also live in Portland…well, technically across the river in Vancouver (go ahead and laugh, Fred and Carrie!)…and didn’t bat an eye when this story was played up on the local news. Actually, I asked my girlfriend if SHE wanted to take a similar spin, but seeing as how I drive a Hyundai and not a Subaru she wasn’t interested.
gerknoop
February 16, 2012
…..this is exactly what my husband and I did for Valentines day last night. What? Is there something wrong with that?
The Good Greatsby
February 16, 2012
There’s nothing wrong with it as long as it wasn’t a Subaru.
Dana
February 16, 2012
What about 1985 Honda Civics? 1991 Mitsubishi Delica vans? I’m just trying to figure out my options here, and if I’m going to go all out, I should at least get the car right.
Laura
February 16, 2012
Life is so unfair — this would have been the perfect ending for your slide show yesterday.
cooper
February 16, 2012
where’s the creativity here? tie her to the roof of a 4×4 with antlers attached to her head…
The Good Greatsby
February 16, 2012
That way nobody could have been confused about it being part of a Valentine’s Day activity.
pegoleg
February 16, 2012
Too bad their Big, Bad Wolf/Naughty Shepherdess costumes were at the dry cleaners yesterday. Would have saved them a ticket and hefty fine.
She's a Maineiac
February 16, 2012
Tee hee
The Good Greatsby
February 16, 2012
Maybe they’re saving that one for their anniversary.
She's a Maineiac
February 16, 2012
Geesh, you guys really don’t like Subarus. They are very nice cars!
The Good Greatsby
February 16, 2012
I don’t think I’ve been in a Subaru in a couple decades so I can’t claim to be the most reliable judge of Subarus. I’ve actually only driven a car three times in the last decade so don’t let me tell you anything about driving.
Adrienne schmadrienne
February 16, 2012
Ma’am please cover up. You have Subaru all over you.
daisyfae
February 16, 2012
could have been worse. “Baaaa” means “No”, fella…
Kathryn McCullough
February 16, 2012
This wasn’t an episode of Portlandia, was it?
Maggie O'C
February 16, 2012
Nope, but I bet it will be soon!!!
gojulesgo
February 16, 2012
I can just see the new commercials. “Love. It’s what makes a Subaru, a…er, well…”
The Good Greatsby
February 16, 2012
This is the most exposure Subaru has had in years.
Ahmnodt Heare
February 16, 2012
I would do anything to be tied up in a Subaru. I’m usually tied up in a Geo Metro and left there. 😦
Lenore Diane
February 16, 2012
Hey. I drive a Subaru, and our car has seen a great deal of … Well, let’s just say, don’t come a’knockin’, if our Subaru is a’rockin’… to John Denver’s Country Roads.
The Good Greatsby
February 16, 2012
I never knew that’s why people bought Subarus. This completely changes my perspective on my wife driving a Subaru when we first met.
Carl D'Agostino
February 16, 2012
Lucky couple. In Miami the 28 cops would shoot them 317 times as they feared for their lives and obviously a Subaru is a getaway car. Sorry to editorialize on the funny post but this reality here ain’t funny.
The Hook
February 17, 2012
Hilarious!