Browsing All posts tagged under »parenting«

‘Loudly Amorous Guests’ and the 10 Most Aggravating Travelers

September 20, 2016


I just finished a month performing a one-man standup show in Scotland as part of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and after a month of traveling I feel especially qualified to comment on this survey by Expedia asking 1,000 Americans to name the behaviors they find most aggravating in fellow hotel guests. 29% complained about the […]

Revenge of the Rubik’s Cube Nerds

May 26, 2016


Last weekend I accompanied my 12-year-old son as he competed in an all day Rubik’s Cube competition. It was exhausting. Not for him but for me. After just an hour my voice was already hoarse from shouting, ‘Nerd. Nerd. Nerd. You and you and you. Nerds.’ But the nerds were everywhere. My sons keep telling […]

5 Tips for Surviving Your Child’s Christmas Pageant

December 21, 2015


For those of you who don’t have children and are spending wild nights out on the town, parenting may not seem very exciting or glamorous, but, it isn’t. Although parenting has its rewards. I’ve heard. At least that’s what all the parenting books say. Not that I’ve read any parenting books, but my wife put […]

Scientists Prove What’s the Matter with Kids Today

December 16, 2013


In a study sponsored by your parents, scientists have revealed kids today can’t run as fast or as far as their parents. I didn’t need a study to tell me that. My children’s tear-streaked, dust-covered faces way back there in the distance tell all. As far as I understand, this study considers my generation to […]

Dear Parents of Our Son’s Best Friend: Did You Hear Your Son Called Us the Coolest Parents?

May 2, 2013


Dear Parents of My Son’s Best Friend, As you may have heard, your son was visiting our home last week when he told our son, “You have the coolest parents.” If you hadn’t heard this news yet, maybe you should check your texts more often because I’ve sent you like twenty. This must be a […]

‘Are You Going Out Tonight?’ My Kids Ask Hopefully

March 26, 2013


I often wear earplugs when writing in my office, and when I come out I’ve learned I can leave the earplugs in and still understand what the children are saying, because they’re invariably asking one of two questions: ‘Are you going out tonight?’ and ‘What time will you be home?’ I was a kid once, […]

An Interview with Optimist Prime–Part 3

December 4, 2012


My 11-year-old son Optimist Prime has enjoyed a recent run of success as both the QB of his football team and the star of a theatrical production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. We’re anxious to have him around more as these two commitments often totaled seven to eight practices/rehearsals a week, and […]

I Give Apollo Fonzarelli ‘The Talk’

September 17, 2012


Parents dread their children reaching the age when they have to give them ‘the talk’. You keep putting it off, thinking your kid isn’t old enough to be interested in such adult issues, but procrastination may put your child at risk. Yes, I couldn’t put it off any longer and this week I decided it […]

Dear Mr. Foosball

August 31, 2012


Dear Mr. Foosball, I recently ordered a foosball table from your company. It was delivered and assembled while I was at work and now that I’ve had some time to look it over I worry it may be inappropriate for our children. Here are my concerns: 1. Why aren’t any of the players smiling? We […]

Questions You Can’t Ask During Parent Teacher Conference

April 4, 2012


The boys had their parent teacher conferences last week and my wife attended both conferences without me because she’s a librarian at the boys’ school and worries I might embarrass her by asking inappropriate questions. Whenever someone asks if I have any questions, whether it’s a doctor, a teacher, or the police, I fight the […]

Letting the Cast Out of the Bag

February 20, 2012


Over dinner, our family occasionally picks an idiomatic saying that we plan to start mispronouncing in hopes the altered version will catch on until it some day finds its way back to us. This past week, instead of saying, “let the cat out of the bag,” which means to disclose confidential information, all four of […]

Two Pictures of the Boys

February 4, 2012


The Fonz didn’t need any encouragement regarding his fashion choices. We were right to be worried when he came home and told us Whatshername had remarked, “I really like your funny clothes.” That’s all the permission he’ll ever need to wear anything he wants for the rest of his life. This is what he wore […]