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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Choose Your Captain Caption
This week’s winner will receive the honorary title Captain Caption. Your friends must call you Captain Caption for one week until a new winner is selected. If your friends won’t call you Captain Caption, they are not good friends. Thank you for your excellent caption submissions. Many of these were funny, and I hate having […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
Rubik’s Cube Solving Robot? Now Robots Will be Stealing Our Rubik’s Cube Solving Jobs, Too!
March 22, 2011
There’s so much going on in the world, but my wife is still sick of my contrarian take on the news and won’t discuss current events with me. I’m forced once again to post my comments online: 1. A student creates a robot that can solve a Rubik’s Cube in fifteen seconds: Aww, man, now […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Breaking News Fixed
March 21, 2011
I saw this picture of Hillary Clinton but didn’t immediately see any headline attached. What is she doing? Who or what is she looking at? Is she about to speak or has she just spoken? Is she possibly thinking about me and those love letters I wrote her? I decided not to look for the […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Caption Contest–Last Week’s Winner Eligible to Win ‘On-a-Roll’ feeling
March 20, 2011
Congratulations again to last week’s caption contest winner MattJ, who is eligible to convert his ‘moderate’ lucky feeling into an ‘on-a-roll’ feeling! Submit your best caption for the picture below: Guidelines: Your caption could be a narration, a line of dialogue, a news headline, a sitcom title, or even a home remedy for removing […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
Economics Even A Six Year Old Can Understand–Part 2
March 19, 2011
My six year old son, The Fonz (so nicknamed because his middle name is Fonzarelli), recently started saying the word apparently. He uses it correctly in speech, but I assume its use adds a flavor he didn’t intend. If I ask him if Ethan is his best friend he says, “Apparently he is.” In his […]
Economics Even A Six Year Old Can Understand–Part 1
March 18, 2011
Every parent hopes children learn the following important lessons about money: How to live frugally. When it is okay to borrow money. How to save for a rainy day. How to be wealthy, but still win the respect of your servants in a way that ensures they’ll hide you when the local peasants form a […]
Larry King Kardashatron Prophet
March 17, 2011
I know it’s a digital world, but I can’t stand digital watches… –Larry King When the history of mankind is written by our humanoid-Kardashian replacements, we may be surprised by their conclusions. Some worry mankind will be judged harshly for wars, pollution, and Vin Diesel, but each culture brings its own bias when viewing another, […]
Posted in: Columns
We can’t sit here impotently and wait for the Supermoon to attack! We must strike first!
March 16, 2011
My wife Lorraine knows she can’t tell me about a news event and expect an honest reaction. My mind is trained to answer with an absurdly-contrarian viewpoint delivered with a straight-faced sincerity. As a result, my wife will no longer discuss the news with me. I’ve tried calling my friend Andrew: Me: Did you see […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Congratulations Caption Contest Winner! Enjoy Your Moderate Lucky Feeling!
March 16, 2011
Congratulations to MattJ who has been awarded a ‘moderate’ lucky feeling for the following caption: Thank you for your many excellent submissions. Many of these made me laugh, and I had difficulty narrowing it down to a pool of three from which I let my cat Megatron choose her favorite. If you thought your submission […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
How to Teach Your Kids to Sound Smart (Especially If They’re Not)
March 15, 2011
Parents have so many worries: Will Tyler make friends at his new school? Will Kaitlyn make the soccer team? How long before people discover Tyler is very, very dumb? Poor Tyler. You’ve tried to defend him: “Maybe he’s not book smart, but he’s street smart.” But time has revealed he’s not street smart either, sending […]
Zombie Ants? Aww, man, ants were the one insect my kid would eat!
March 14, 2011
My wife Deidre was telling me about a fungus that could invade the brains of ants and turn them into ‘Zombie Ants.’ I didn’t get all the details because I heard the words ZOMBIE ANTS and my mind began to wander: 1. Bad news for my Aunt Zombie, who’s already been fighting stereotypes her whole […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
The Good Greatsby Caption Contest–Positive Feelings to be Awarded!
March 13, 2011
Submit your best caption for the picture below: Guidelines: Your caption could be a narration, a line of dialogue, a news headline, a movie title, or even a recipe for banana bread if you can make it applicable. Please no incantations that could be deadly if read aloud. Also, no limericks or references to Twilight. […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
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March 23, 2011
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