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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Browsing All Posts filed under »Kids«
WWJBD? (What would James Bond do?)
It has become common among some Christian groups to greet life’s decisions with the question, “What would Jesus do?” This theological consideration is sometimes turned into the acronym “WWJD?” and printed on bumper stickers, t-shirts, bracelets, and a collection of other tacky clothing I’m pretty sure Jesus would never wear. If Jesus wouldn’t wear that […]
Look on the Bright Side, Mom
May 8, 2011
Dearest Mother, On this Mother’s Day, I’d like to make the following confessions while urging you to try and look on the bright side. Confession: Remember how the chandelier over the kitchen table had two broken lights for twenty years? I broke that the day after we moved in by sword fighting with ski poles […]
Mother’s Day Cards from Second-string Children
May 7, 2011
Not all moms are created equal. Most moms try their best, but when you happen to be “accidentally” reading your neighbor’s mail and come across the following Mother’s Day cards, you have good reason to wonder about her mothering abilities.
You’re Welcome, Mom
May 6, 2011
Parents are supposed to love all their children equally, but my siblings and I knew our parents had favorites. They always said they loved us the same, and they tried not to let their favoritism show, but still, we all knew…because we listened at the door on Mother’s Day as they criticized the cards we […]
If You Want to be Impressed, Always Call Before Dropping in on the Johnsons
May 5, 2011
“Oh, you’re in the neighborhood and wanted to drop in. That’s fine. We’ll see you in ten minutes.” “But I’m just around the corner. I can be there in three.” “But still, we’ll see you in ten minutes.” I shout out to my wife and two sons, “Ten minutes, team! We’ve got ten minutes to […]
Happy Birthday, Apollo Fonzarelli!
April 19, 2011
Happy birthday to kid #2, The Fonz, who turns seven today! Why do I call him The Fonz? When he was born I filled out two applications for a birth certificate; the first form I showed my wife contained the name we had agreed upon; the second form, the one I didn’t show her, and […]
How to Teach Your Kids to Sound Smart (Especially If They’re Not)–Part 2
March 24, 2011
If you haven’t read How to Make Your Kids Sound Smart Part 1, make sure you do so here, so you’ll know what all the other moms were talking about at last week’s group therapy. For those who did read Part 1, did you practice tips #1 and #2 with your ‘fork-misses-mouth’ smart child? Remember, […]
Economics Even A Six Year Old Can Understand–Part 2
March 19, 2011
My six year old son, The Fonz (so nicknamed because his middle name is Fonzarelli), recently started saying the word apparently. He uses it correctly in speech, but I assume its use adds a flavor he didn’t intend. If I ask him if Ethan is his best friend he says, “Apparently he is.” In his […]
Economics Even A Six Year Old Can Understand–Part 1
March 18, 2011
Every parent hopes children learn the following important lessons about money: How to live frugally. When it is okay to borrow money. How to save for a rainy day. How to be wealthy, but still win the respect of your servants in a way that ensures they’ll hide you when the local peasants form a […]
How to Teach Your Kids to Sound Smart (Especially If They’re Not)
March 15, 2011
Parents have so many worries: Will Tyler make friends at his new school? Will Kaitlyn make the soccer team? How long before people discover Tyler is very, very dumb? Poor Tyler. You’ve tried to defend him: “Maybe he’s not book smart, but he’s street smart.” But time has revealed he’s not street smart either, sending […]
How to Tease Your Kids
March 8, 2011
My wife said I can’t tease the kids anymore. I use the word anymore as though it used to be okay to tease and now it isn’t, but in reality she’s always said not to, only now I think she really means it. It seems the kids were having trouble in school for a long […]
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