Larry King Kardashatron Prophet

Posted on March 17, 2011


I know it’s a digital world, but I can’t stand digital watches…
–Larry King

When the history of mankind is written by our humanoid-Kardashian replacements, we may be surprised by their conclusions.  Some worry mankind will be judged harshly for wars, pollution, and Vin Diesel, but each culture brings its own bias when viewing another, and it’s impossible to have any idea what will interest Queen Kimbot-Atron.  When pressed to choose only one cultural figure to grace the cover of this history and possibly become the Kardashatron prophet, they may pass over our most obvious cultural icons like a Jesus or a Ghandhi or a Mr. Belvedere, focusing instead on someone whose words seemed to reflect a prophetic insight specific to modern times as well as a disdain for progress and technology–the things that I wager will eventually do us in.

Of course, all evidence points to this prophet being Larry King.

The Kardashatrons will focus on King not because he hosted a show interviewing celebrities, but because night after night he secretly displayed his disdain for our celebrity-obsessed culture by refusing to learn anything about the guests.  Remember when he asked Jerry Seinfeld whether his show had been canceled?

Transcript from November 1, 2007

KING: They didn’t cancel you, you canceled them?
SEINFELD: You’re not aware of this?
KING: No, I’m — I’m asking you (INAUDIBLE).
SEINFELD: You think I got canceled?
KING: Have I hurt you…
SEINFELD: Are you under the impression that I got canceled?
KING: Have I hurt you, Jerry?
SEINFELD: I thought that was pretty well documented. This is a…
KING: Don’t most shows (INAUDIBLE)…
SEINFELD: Is this still CNN?
KING: Don’t most shows go down a little?
SEINFELD: Most people do also.
KING: You were…
SEINFELD: Yes, no, I went off the air, I was the number one show in television, Larry.
KING: You were off…
SEINFELD: Do you know who I am?

Of course Larry was pretending he had no idea Seinfeld had the number one show and pretending to be oblivious to all the media coverage of NBC’s begging him to stay.  And through his subterfuge sent subtle messages to the audience about the superficiality of celebrity.  Masterfully done, Larry King.

The Kardashatrons will be fascinated by his prophetic ability to predict the coming short-attention span 140 character Twitter generation through his Twitteresque My Two Cents column in USA Today, which managed to mock Twitter twenty years before its existence:

I can’t figure out how a sundial works, but then again I failed science…
I eat blueberries every day and I am better off for it…
I get a good feeling when I see a police officer on a horse…

I had a fourth and fifth, but I’d already far exceeded 140 characters and got up to change the channel but then realized I wasn’t watching TV.

Some mocked King because of the column’s banal, introverted simplicity, but little did they know he was holding a mirror to our society and revealing our attention span in twenty years.  When I read the column today and compare it to Tweets, his words are almost Shakespearean.  Although, I should clarify I mean my neighbor growing up, Todd Shakespeare, and to be perfectly honest most of what Todd said had been memorized verbatim from King’s columns.

The Kardashatrons will see a beauty in the simplicity of his prose as King stubbornly refuses to change while the rest of the world sprints towards an unseen finish line, scrambling to make every aspect of life more complicated while shouting the praises of Earth 2.0’s stream-lined efficiency.

Slow down, he warns us.  Stop and smell the roses, or rather stop and eat the blueberries.

Slow down, stop, and look at a police officer on a horse.  Really stop and look at him; you’ll be rewarded with a good feeling.

Larry King is imperturbable.  The Kardashatrons will enter his collected transcripts and columns into their Book (oddly their word for computer) and divide them by the pace of progress and the quotient will be a giant, suspendered shrug.

Larry King shrugs at the advances of the digital age.

I know it’s a digital world, but I can’t stand digital watches…

Larry King refuses to let the changing times change him.

In an interview with Roseanne Barr he admitted he didn’t use the Internet and had never searched for anything:

November 14, 2006

KING: I’ve never done it, never gone searching.
BARR: Oh, my God! It just opens up the whole universe. It’s so awesome. You would love it.
KING: No, I wouldn’t.
BARR: Anything you want to know.
KING: The wife loves it. I wouldn’t love it. What do you punch little buttons and things?
BARR: You just click on this thing. The thing is you got to be able to read, so you have to have strong glasses when you’ve over 50, and then you just scroll down and click. It’s not that hard. I can show you how to do it.
KING: No, thanks.

No thanks, technology.  Save your breath Roseanne Barr.  This sage cannot muster energy to be impressed with the Internet.  This is a man who has seen the automobile replace the horse and buggy, electronic mail replace the pony express, and the clicker thingy replace the broom handle thingy for changing channels on the story light box.

Do not ask him to grow attached to this new Internet fad…he knows it’s all fleeting.

And now a poem I’ve composed using King’s columns My Two Cents and King’s Things, a poem I expect may some day adorn the cover of the Kardashatron Bible along with this picture:

Larry King by Andrew Greene

If You See Dick Cheney, Ask Him to Call…

I wonder if supplements really work.
Have you noticed while looking at paintings, frames are out?
I know it’s a digital world, but I can’t stand digital watches…
Don’t you believe Kermit and Miss Piggy are real?

You love your Christmas tree, but the day after, you’re happy when it comes down…
Even with instant replay, NFL officials still get some calls wrong…

If you see Dick Cheney, ask him to call, because his sandwiches are spoiling…


Read my previous Larry King post here: Larry King Septuagenarian Hipster Genius

Thank you to Andrew Greene for the wonderful artwork of the Kardashatron Prophet Larry King.  If you have any Larry King artwork, please send me a link and I will post it on this blog.
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Posted in: Columns