
I know it’s a digital world, but I can’t stand digital watches…
–Larry King
When the history of mankind is written by our humanoid-Kardashian replacements, we may be surprised by their conclusions. Some worry mankind will be judged harshly for wars, pollution, and Vin Diesel, but each culture brings its own bias when viewing another, and it’s impossible to have any idea what will interest Queen Kimbot-Atron. When pressed to choose only one cultural figure to grace the cover of this history and possibly become the Kardashatron prophet, they may pass over our most obvious cultural icons like a Jesus or a Ghandhi or a Mr. Belvedere, focusing instead on someone whose words seemed to reflect a prophetic insight specific to modern times as well as a disdain for progress and technology–the things that I wager will eventually do us in.
Of course, all evidence points to this prophet being Larry King.
The Kardashatrons will focus on King not because he hosted a show interviewing celebrities, but because night after night he secretly displayed his disdain for our celebrity-obsessed culture by refusing to learn anything about the guests. Remember when he asked Jerry Seinfeld whether his show had been canceled?
Transcript from November 1, 2007
KING: They didn’t cancel you, you canceled them?
SEINFELD: You’re not aware of this?
KING: No, I’m — I’m asking you (INAUDIBLE).
SEINFELD: You think I got canceled?
KING: Have I hurt you…
SEINFELD: Are you under the impression that I got canceled?
KING: Have I hurt you, Jerry?
SEINFELD: I thought that was pretty well documented. This is a…
KING: Don’t most shows (INAUDIBLE)…
SEINFELD: Is this still CNN?
KING: Don’t most shows go down a little?
SEINFELD: Most people do also.
KING: You were…
SEINFELD: But…
(LAUGHTER).
SEINFELD: Yes, no, I went off the air, I was the number one show in television, Larry.
KING: You were off…
SEINFELD: Do you know who I am?
Of course Larry was pretending he had no idea Seinfeld had the number one show and pretending to be oblivious to all the media coverage of NBC’s begging him to stay. And through his subterfuge sent subtle messages to the audience about the superficiality of celebrity. Masterfully done, Larry King.
The Kardashatrons will be fascinated by his prophetic ability to predict the coming short-attention span 140 character Twitter generation through his Twitteresque My Two Cents column in USA Today, which managed to mock Twitter twenty years before its existence:
I can’t figure out how a sundial works, but then again I failed science…
I eat blueberries every day and I am better off for it…
I get a good feeling when I see a police officer on a horse…
I had a fourth and fifth, but I’d already far exceeded 140 characters and got up to change the channel but then realized I wasn’t watching TV.
Some mocked King because of the column’s banal, introverted simplicity, but little did they know he was holding a mirror to our society and revealing our attention span in twenty years. When I read the column today and compare it to Tweets, his words are almost Shakespearean. Although, I should clarify I mean my neighbor growing up, Todd Shakespeare, and to be perfectly honest most of what Todd said had been memorized verbatim from King’s columns.
The Kardashatrons will see a beauty in the simplicity of his prose as King stubbornly refuses to change while the rest of the world sprints towards an unseen finish line, scrambling to make every aspect of life more complicated while shouting the praises of Earth 2.0’s stream-lined efficiency.
Slow down, he warns us. Stop and smell the roses, or rather stop and eat the blueberries.
Slow down, stop, and look at a police officer on a horse. Really stop and look at him; you’ll be rewarded with a good feeling.
Larry King is imperturbable. The Kardashatrons will enter his collected transcripts and columns into their Book (oddly their word for computer) and divide them by the pace of progress and the quotient will be a giant, suspendered shrug.
Larry King shrugs at the advances of the digital age.
I know it’s a digital world, but I can’t stand digital watches…
Larry King refuses to let the changing times change him.
In an interview with Roseanne Barr he admitted he didn’t use the Internet and had never searched for anything:
November 14, 2006
KING: I’ve never done it, never gone searching.
BARR: Oh, my God! It just opens up the whole universe. It’s so awesome. You would love it.
KING: No, I wouldn’t.
BARR: Anything you want to know.
KING: The wife loves it. I wouldn’t love it. What do you punch little buttons and things?
BARR: You just click on this thing. The thing is you got to be able to read, so you have to have strong glasses when you’ve over 50, and then you just scroll down and click. It’s not that hard. I can show you how to do it.
KING: No, thanks.
No thanks, technology. Save your breath Roseanne Barr. This sage cannot muster energy to be impressed with the Internet. This is a man who has seen the automobile replace the horse and buggy, electronic mail replace the pony express, and the clicker thingy replace the broom handle thingy for changing channels on the story light box.
Do not ask him to grow attached to this new Internet fad…he knows it’s all fleeting.
And now a poem I’ve composed using King’s columns My Two Cents and King’s Things, a poem I expect may some day adorn the cover of the Kardashatron Bible along with this picture:
If You See Dick Cheney, Ask Him to Call…
I wonder if supplements really work.
Have you noticed while looking at paintings, frames are out?
I know it’s a digital world, but I can’t stand digital watches…
Don’t you believe Kermit and Miss Piggy are real?
You love your Christmas tree, but the day after, you’re happy when it comes down…
Even with instant replay, NFL officials still get some calls wrong…
If you see Dick Cheney, ask him to call, because his sandwiches are spoiling…
Read my previous Larry King post here: Larry King Septuagenarian Hipster Genius
Thank you to Andrew Greene for the wonderful artwork of the Kardashatron Prophet Larry King. If you have any Larry King artwork, please send me a link and I will post it on this blog.
Beckers
March 17, 2011
I gave you my Larry King artwork. I guess it wasn’t good enough to make it on the site!
marryin'thelibrarian
March 17, 2011
For a guy who has such genuine disdain for time, the expression on his face is timeless.
Calhoun
March 17, 2011
Now you’ve got me all freaked out for what the future holds!
Renee Davies
March 17, 2011
I found your site via Life in the Boomer Lane. I’m enjoying the satire immensely. When I see people fervently thumbing their iPhones while walking into walls and water fountains, I find myself thinking that humans are looking a little bit more like robots every day – less interesting, less of a thinking creature, and oh so boring. But then again, being a luddite doesn’t make you anymore of a thinking creature. Interesting reads – glad I stumbled onto your site.
The Good Greatsby
March 18, 2011
I felt I had to warn society of the dangers of our technological age and the coming humanoid transition. Ironically, I had no choice, but to warn them while using technology as the medium.
I’m glad you like the site and I appreciate the comments you’ve made.
spilledinkguy
March 17, 2011
I knew there was a reason I wore suspenders today.
Caller?
Caller?
Are you there, caller?
🙂
Bella
March 18, 2011
Three things worry me about this post: One that there is actually going to be a “humanoid” replacement of the Kardashians, two, that they’re going to write the history of mankind, and three, that you haven’t realized that they actual characters playing the Kardashians, Bruce Jenner included, are the actual humanoid replacements. Please advise. 🙂
The Good Greatsby
March 18, 2011
Bella, you already know too much. I wish you hadn’t mentioned Bruce Jenner and his cyborg experiments. I worry you may bring too much scrutiny from government censors.
frigginloon
March 18, 2011
Didn’t someone find incontinence nappies in his rubbish can? Hmm or maybe its just an unfounded rumor I have just helped spread. My bad?
omawarisan
March 19, 2011
I believe that Larry King is an alien. Compare his triangle shaped head to that of the stereotypical alien painting. Also, how else would he be able to bonk his wife’s sister and get away with it.
the master
March 21, 2011
I have never seen a police officer on a horse. I’m struggling to remember if I’ve even seen a horse. I never felt sad about either of those things until now.