My wife Lorraine knows she can’t tell me about a news event and expect an honest reaction. My mind is trained to answer with an absurdly-contrarian viewpoint delivered with a straight-faced sincerity. As a result, my wife will no longer discuss the news with me.
I’ve tried calling my friend Andrew:
Me: Did you see what’s going on in the news?
Andrew: Can I call you back? (sniffling) Starla is here right now and I think she’s trying to break up with me.
Me: Yeah, but first did you hear about these zombie ants?
Andrew: (sniffling) I really thought Starla was the one. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t start over again.
Me: So there’s this fungus that can invade an ant’s brain and–
Andrew: (sound of glass breaking) Starla’s really trashing the place, man. (whispering) I’m locked inside the bathroom right now. Can you ask Lorraine to call Starla and get her to put her gun away and leave? She’ll listen to her. She’s always liked Lorraine…although the issue of how much I like Lorraine is kind of how this argument started so maybe it’s better if Lorraine didn’t call. Maybe you should just call the police or–
Me: Aww, forget it! It wouldn’t even be funny now! (click)
Sometimes Andrew is not a very good friend.
With my wife and friends disappointing me, I have no choice but to find news articles online and post to the Comments section. Here are some comments from the previous week:
1. A woman returned home and knocked on the bathroom door when she heard the shower running although nobody was supposed to be home. The burglar locked himself in the bathroom and called 911 because he feared the homeowner had a gun:
In the burglar’s defense, everyone knows it’s rude to enter a bathroom if you hear someone is taking a shower. The homeowner displayed a surprising lack of manners.
2. Citizens were outraged when an 11 year-old boy was arrested for drawing violent stick-figures in class, even though his therapist had told him to do it:
Everyone wants to say the police over-reacted, but I represent a group of citizens who’ve lost family members to stick-figure violence, and we side with any law enforcement decision to take stick-person threats seriously.
3. UN discusses remedies for the massive worldwide decline in bee populations:
Bees have been stinging us for years!
Ruining picnics!
Forcing us to wear shoes when skipping through flower patches!
Now the first time bees hit a rough patch they want to call timeout?
I say, no! We’ve got ‘em on the ropes, let’s keep on punching!
4. On March 19, the Earth will be closer to the moon than at any other time in eighteen years. The date also corresponds with a full moon and speculation has been building of this Supermoon potentially causing catastrophic natural disasters:
We can’t sit here impotently and wait for the Supermoon to attack! We must strike first! If the government pre-emptively attacked Iraq to protect us, why not the moon?
5. Watermelon-smashing comedian, Gallagher, suffered a minor heart attack and collapsed on stage:
It’s hard to feel sympathy for a man who has so much fruit on his hands. Watermelons everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief.
This watermelon had two days left until retirement...
The Good Greatsby 
ajg
March 16, 2011
Can you edit this post? Starla’s been Internet stalking me on the computer at the pizza place and she won’t be happy when she reads this.
Hippie Cahier
March 16, 2011
Maybe when Andrew’s panic subsides, the zombie ant story will offer him some creative problem solving ideas re: Starla.
I somehow missed the supermoon story. Now that I can breathe easier about Gallagher being out of commission for awhile, I have something new to worry about. Thanks.
The Good Greatsby
March 16, 2011
How could you have missed the Supermoon story? It’s not like there’s anything else going on in the news.
Megan (Best of Fates)
March 16, 2011
Taken together, it’s clear to see the tragedy in all this – Gallagher now doesn’t have the strength to track down the last few bees, learn the secret of flight and take that sledgehammer to the moon.
freak of nature
March 16, 2011
there are elephants on the highway.
MarkH
March 16, 2011
I’d like to make an attempt at a joke regarding the Japanese earthquakes and then follow it up by saying, “It’s okay, I’m half-japanese” but even that feels wrong and “too soon”-ish.
As a replacement I’ll just ask how you guys have cool pics next to your comments and mine looks like an Eastern European rug. Not fair. Or cool, really.
ajg
March 17, 2011
too soon.
MarkH
March 19, 2011
I feel like my attempt at a joke was lost in translation. I was hoping to comment more on the situation of using the phrase “It’s okay, i have a loose relationship to something I just said that is totally offensive” as opposed to making a poor taste comment on Japan. Unfortunately I did both and unfortunately I do that too much.
Or you were just being funny.
Either way my self-confidence has been rocked and I haven’t slept since I saw this. Most of that is because of the Netflix app and it’s deep vaults of shows I would have never seen in the theaters, but whatever.
spilledinkguy
March 17, 2011
I suspect the bees are only bluffing –
they must be hiding in mass… and planning the most devastating Supermoon attack… EVER!
Jerks. 🙂
frigginloon
March 18, 2011
They are in cahoots with the panda, shark and family of squirrels in the attic, me thinks 😦
Amy
March 17, 2011
Giggling at the image of someone punching at a swarm of bees.
You are obviously new to on-line news article commenting because you didn’t call anyone racist or envoke the name of Hitler.
The Good Greatsby
March 17, 2011
I like to find an angry back-and-forth discussion and interject an observation that doesn’t take either side and makes no sense. Then both sides pause for a second and unite in agreeing that I have no idea what I’m talking about. I feel like I’m doing a valuable work in bringing people together.
japecake
March 17, 2011
UN discusses remedies for the massive worldwide decline in bee populations
Beealis. Done and done.
Bella
March 17, 2011
Seriously, it sounds like your wife and your friend Andrew are related to my Significant Other and whatever person I have in my life that I call an acquaintance. I’ve diagnosed them as suffering from “Winnie the Pooh” syndrome. Perhaps this syndrome also applies to your friend’s case? 🙂
nursemyra
March 17, 2011
#2 is hilarious
thelamest(dot)com
March 17, 2011
There’s only one way to fight the the supermoon. Use kryptonite…or tempt the moon to ride a horse which will buck the moon off and sever it’s spine.
Gruff Guano
March 18, 2011
What worries me is that the moon-cycle has always had a big influence on women. And that this extraordinary peak might really stir things up. Starla could be going supernova herself. And she might be one of the first.
Better stockpile some weapons, food and beer in the bathrooms. Soon we may all have to hold out for days in there.
The Good Greatsby
March 18, 2011
Gruff Guano, you have me even more paranoid now. If the moon-cycle has an influence on women, what about women who are also werewolves? The combination could be catastrophic!
Gruff Guano
March 18, 2011
There’s a simple test: give your girlfriend or wife silver earrings. If she doesn’t want to wear them, take the earrings back, melt them down and shoot her with the silver bullet.
(Or silver pellet, if the earrings were rather small. But in that case you would be using an air gun, and it won’t kill her. And you better run.)
frigginloon
March 18, 2011
No cure for cancer
Gruff Guano
March 18, 2011
That’s she-wolf talk. The earrings are in the mail.
carldagostino
March 18, 2011
You are nuts so I am very glad to meet you. You are nuts so I subscribe to your post. In Miami we just recalled the mayor and one commissioner at a cost of $5,000,000. It will cost another $5,000,000 to hold a special election. A regular election would be held 11 months from now anyway. They were recalled because they were spending too much money on frivolity. Anyone that can come close to Dave Barry or Garrison Keillor is top notch in my book !
Binky
March 19, 2011
Supermoon should not be feared. It’s just trying to get a little closer to us which is not creepy at all.
the master
March 21, 2011
To quote respected (if fictional) journalist Shelley Winters, “Only scientists can prove the moon isn’t the Earth’s stalker”. If you are a scientist, I will concede your point. If you are not, then you are dangerously naive. Remember what Theia did to the proto-Earth.