We can’t sit here impotently and wait for the Supermoon to attack! We must strike first!

Posted on March 16, 2011


My wife Lorraine knows she can’t tell me about a news event and expect an honest reaction.  My mind is trained to answer with an absurdly-contrarian viewpoint delivered with a straight-faced sincerity.  As a result, my wife will no longer discuss the news with me.

I’ve tried calling my friend Andrew:

Me: Did you see what’s going on in the news?
Andrew: Can I call you back?  (sniffling) Starla is here right now and I think she’s trying to break up with me.
Me: Yeah, but first did you hear about these zombie ants?
Andrew: (sniffling) I really thought Starla was the one. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t start over again.
Me: So there’s this fungus that can invade an ant’s brain and–
Andrew: (sound of glass breaking) Starla’s really trashing the place, man. (whispering) I’m locked inside the bathroom right now. Can you ask Lorraine to call Starla and get her to put her gun away and leave?  She’ll listen to her.  She’s always liked Lorraine…although the issue of how much I like Lorraine is kind of how this argument started so maybe it’s better if Lorraine didn’t call.  Maybe you should just call the police or–
Me: Aww, forget it!  It wouldn’t even be funny now!  (click)

Sometimes Andrew is not a very good friend.

With my wife and friends disappointing me, I have no choice but to find news articles online and post to the Comments section. Here are some comments from the previous week:

1. A  woman returned home and knocked on the bathroom door when she heard the shower running although nobody was supposed to be home.  The burglar locked himself in the bathroom and called 911 because he feared the homeowner had a gun:

In the burglar’s defense, everyone knows it’s rude to enter a bathroom if you hear someone is taking a shower. The homeowner displayed a surprising lack of manners.

2. Citizens were outraged when an 11 year-old boy was arrested for drawing violent stick-figures in class, even though his therapist had told him to do it:

Everyone wants to say the police over-reacted, but I represent a group of citizens who’ve lost family members to stick-figure violence, and we side with any law enforcement decision to take stick-person threats seriously.

3. UN discusses remedies for the massive worldwide decline in bee populations:

Bees have been stinging us for years!

Ruining picnics!

Forcing us to wear shoes when skipping through flower patches!

Now the first time bees hit a rough patch they want to call timeout?

I say, no! We’ve got ‘em on the ropes, let’s keep on punching!

4.  On March 19, the Earth will be closer to the moon than at any other time in eighteen years.  The date also corresponds with a full moon and speculation has been building of this Supermoon potentially causing catastrophic natural disasters:

We can’t sit here impotently and wait for the Supermoon to attack!  We must strike first!  If the government pre-emptively attacked Iraq to protect us, why not the moon?

5. Watermelon-smashing comedian, Gallagher, suffered a minor heart attack and collapsed on stage:

It’s hard to feel sympathy for a man who has so much fruit on his hands.  Watermelons everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief.

This watermelon had two days left until retirement...

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