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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Dear Good Greatsby: How Do I Get My Husband to Realize I’m Perfect?
Today’s question comes from gojulesgo of goguiltypleasures.com, who worries her marriage is becoming too equal for her liking. (If gojulesgo sounds familiar, perhaps you’ve heard from your friends Jules has her very own barn.) Dear Good Greatsby, Over the past 8 years, my husband has grown quite spoiled by my wit, generosity and what some […]
Posted in: Dear Good Greatsby
Obama Baby Drama
September 20, 2011
I found this picture of Obama with a baby but I wasn’t able to find the associated headline and had to create my own: Townspeople Demand Refund After Seeing Local Obama Impersonator Side-By-Side With Real President President’s Efforts to Change Child’s Diaper Bring Accusations of ‘Smear Tactics’ Obama Warns Crowd of Dangerous GOP Plan to […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Motivate Yourself with High-Risk Deadlines
September 19, 2011
I have no problem motivating myself to write every day, but I have the bad habit of skipping around between projects when I meet a difficult section and have no pressing deadline. This is why I’m constantly thinking up tricks to give myself artificial deadlines for finishing projects. For example, right now I’m motivating myself […]
Posted in: Columns
Chinglish Sponge Crunch
September 18, 2011
This picture comes from the convenience store outside our housing complex: “This is the most comfortable notebook you have ever run into. You will feel like writing with it all the time.” Seems like a lofty promise for a notebook to make, but I’m willing to give it a try. I’m constantly looking for ways […]
Posted in: Chinglish
Saturday Gelato
September 17, 2011
My ten-year-old son, Optimist Prime, invited a few friends for a sleepover last night. When the doorbell rang, he asked if I would get it and when I returned with his friend, OP was reclining on the couch reading War and Peace. I was so proud all the lessons I had taught him about how […]
Posted in: Columns
Friday Love Letters: Dear Kate Beckinsale
September 16, 2011
Dear Kate Beckinsale, If we ever sit next to each other on an airplane, here’s my plan to make you fall in love with me: When we meet I’ll ask you a rapid series of small favors to which you’ll readily agree, and once you turn your ‘yes’ onto autopilot, and I can tell you’re […]
Posted in: Love Letters
This Post Contains No Nude Pictures of Celebrities
September 15, 2011
Note to any reader directed here by a search engine: This post contains no nude photos of any celebrities, especially former Golden Girl, Betty White. Note Note: This post contains slightly explicit content described in the blandest of manners. Take pause before reading aloud to your kindergarten class, like you do all my other posts. […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Dear Good Greatsby: How Can I Tell If My Neighbor is Dead?
September 14, 2011
Today’s questions comes from Laura of Unlikely Explanations who wonders what is the politest way to determine if her neighbor is dead. Dear Good Greatsby, This question is about my neighbors. I’ll call them Betty and Don, because those names are similar enough to Beth and Dan that I think I’ll be able to get […]
Posted in: Dear Good Greatsby
Now Hiring Post-apocaplyptic Workforce–Apply Today!
September 13, 2011
Last week President Obama gave a speech announcing details of his plan to create more jobs. I’ve read through the main points of the plan and worry it misses all the evidence that job creation has stalled because we’re too focused on creating jobs for the old, good-times economy without paying attention to the approaching […]
Posted in: Columns
The Less-than-Deductive Detective
September 12, 2011
For years, my friend Andrew and I have been exchanging Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe detective novels and dreaming about starting our own detective agency. The desire to be detectives doesn’t stem from a hatred of crime or a love of solving mysteries, but more from a desire to wear fedoras, stay out late with […]
Posted in: Columns
Chinglish Explosion
September 11, 2011
Optimist Prime took this picture while waiting in the airport security line: I’m not sure how security checks to make sure an item is explosion proof. Seems like they’d have to try and blow the item up in order to determine its unexplodability. My son didn’t make clear to me if security was only exploding […]
Posted in: Chinglish
Saturday Cocktail
September 10, 2011
I’m not too proud to admit my faults, especially my small and insignificant faults like the fact that I’m a terrible whisperer. Something in my voice box has never worked correctly because my brain tells it to whisper but once a month I seem to embarrass a friend by ‘whispering’, “IS THAT THE GIRL YOU’RE […]
Posted in: Columns
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