This Post Contains No Nude Pictures of Celebrities

Posted on September 15, 2011


Note to any reader directed here by a search engine: This post contains no nude photos of any celebrities, especially former Golden Girl, Betty White.

Note Note: This post contains slightly explicit content described in the blandest of manners.  Take pause before reading aloud to your kindergarten class, like you do all my other posts.

If celebrities can’t keep their nude photos safe, what hope do the rest of us have?

Betty White Un-nude

Actress Scarlett Johansson has joined a long list of celebrities including Jessica Alba, Vanessa Hudgens, and Blake Lively, to have nude pictures stolen and leaked on the Internet.  The FBI is investigating the theft of the photos, and I wonder why this is a case important enough to draw the FBI’s interest when they keep telling me they’re too busy to investigate Canadian Justin Bieber’s immigration status.  I assume when Scarlett reported the theft, they answered, “We’ll get right on it.  Are these photos on the Internet now?  Can you give us the website address?  Do you have other nude photos that haven’t showed up on the Internet yet that you could email us just so we can be on the lookout in case they surface?  Can we come over and take nude pictures of you so we can compare them with the pictures on the Internet and make sure the pictures aren’t fakes?”

Doesn’t seem likely the FBI would get involved if non-celebrities like you or I had nude pictures stolen, although this theory was disproved when I contacted the FBI and told them I represented another celebrity who wanted to complain she’d had nude pictures stolen, but the FBI expressed no interest in seeing nude pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker.

An Important Message to the Women of Planet Earth

My expectation is that most male readers stopped reading this post once they were made aware the Internet contained nude pictures of Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Vanessa Hudgens, Blake Lively, and Betty White, but I’m glad they stopped reading because I have an important message intended only for the women of the world.

Dear Women of Planet Earth,

Stop taking nude pictures of yourself unless you want the entire world to see them.  You can never, ever delete these.  It doesn’t matter if it’s on a phone, a camera, or a laptop, there is no such thing as deleting a picture.  A deleted picture can always be recovered.  Every gadget can be stolen or hacked.  If you take a picture of yourself naked, you must expect somebody will find it and put it on the Internet and your uncle will see it.

Do not allow a boyfriend to record you having sex.  You’re thinking you’ll be together forever and watch this video in thirty years.  He’s thinking he’ll show this to his buddies after he breaks up with you in a couple of weeks and wants to show his pals how his ex-girlfriend had a rockin’ bod.

You think you’re going to stay together with the guy who talks you into making a sex tape?  Guess what?  You’re wrong.  You are so, so wrong.  Guess how many of your relationships are going to end?  All of them, except maybe one.  This is how it works for everyone–the percentages are not in anybody’s favor.

Here’s another bad sign: If you’re nineteen and you’ve been dating a guy for two months and he tells you he’s bored and begs you to make a sex video to spice things up in the bedroom, I’m sorry but you are not going to hold this guy’s sexual interest for another fifty years.  No way, no how.

After you break up and he says he deleted it, don’t believe him.  He didn’t.  I don’t know your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband, but I promise he didn’t.  In the history of the world, no man who would convince you to make a sex video will ever, ever be the type of guy who would delete a sex video.  Not only won’t he do it, but he couldn’t really delete it even if he wanted to because there’s no such thing as deleting.  If you believe even for a second that he did delete it, then this proves why you are the type of person who gets talked into making a sex tape in the first place.

A Message to the Guys

Guys, if you’ve made it this far, quit asking girls to make sex videos.  If she agrees, it’s only because she thinks you’re in it for the long haul, and you know this isn’t true.  This makes you a jerk.  If you ask her to make a sex tape, you have implied agreement with certain expectations, and this is the modern technological equivalent of proposing marriage–not the classiest or most romantic proposal story to tell your kids.