Dear Kate Beckinsale,
If we ever sit next to each other on an airplane, here’s my plan to make you fall in love with me: When we meet I’ll ask you a rapid series of small favors to which you’ll readily agree, and once you turn your ‘yes’ onto autopilot, and I can tell you’re not really listening, I’ll ask you a more serious question.
“Do you have change for a dollar?”
“Will you lend me your pen?”
“Will you sign this picture of Rachel Weisz? I know you’re not Rachel Weisz, but I think it would be funny for guests to see Rachel’s picture on the wall and wonder why the autograph reads: Kate Beckinsale. I also like to ask football players to sign baseballs and boxers to sign hockey sticks. You should see their faces when I hand them equipment for the wrong sport. I assure you they don’t think it’s funny.”
“How about a picture?”
“Okay, just make sure I’m in focus and press this button. Oh, I’m sorry, did you think I wanted a picture of you?”
“Will you please fall in love with me?”
The desire to agree gains momentum and becomes almost hypnotic. This is a trick I call Momentum Agreement, and I’ve used it on more than one occasion to get discounts on the fries McDonald’s drops on the floor and was just going to throw away.
Don’t let the fact that I’m married stop you from falling in love with me. My wife has encouraged me to try and make you fall in love with me and has promised she won’t stand in our way if you do. (She thinks I don’t know convincing me I have a chance with Kate Beckinsale is part of her secret plan to get me in shape, get me to dress better, and try and get me to make more money with the aim of impressing you.)
I think she also knows if we do end up running off together, she gets the added bonus of being able to tell her friends, “Paul ran off with that home-wrecker Kate Beckinsale!” She’d consider it a great compliment to be married to the type of guy Kate Beckinsale would want to steal.
She thinks making you fall in love with me is out of reach, but she’s forgotten I’m an excellent goal-setter, and I realize the key to winning you over is breaking the goal down into little steps. When I plan my day, I don’t just write:
Make Kate Beckinsale Fall in Love with Me
I start by writing out my list of things to do each day and after,
Spend Time with Kids
Make Kate Beckinsale Fall in Love with Me
Under this last category I break it down into smaller sub-categories,
Topics of Conversation That Might Interest Kate Beckinsale
and then under each of these categories I list individual tasks, and I make them simple because accomplishing these simple tasks will make me feel I’m progressing and gives me forward momentum. For example, every day I write, ‘Shower’ on my list under the ‘Grooming’ category because you, Kate Beckinsale, are not going to fall in love with a guy who only showers once a week, and each morning when I cross ‘Shower’ off my list, I feel that much closer to winning you over. I count all personal hygiene rituals under my ‘Make Kate Beckinsale Fall in Love with Me’ category, and I cross them off one by one, and when I reach a more difficult non-grooming task like,
Watch the Film, Lawrence of Arabia, and Copy it Down Word for Word but Change the Title to Police Academy 9 and Send it to Kate Beckinsale and Ask for a Meeting to Discuss her Starring in my Screenplay, Police Academy 9, to Which Steven Spielberg May be Attached
the forward momentum from accomplishing the day’s earlier tasks such as Shower, Brush Teeth, Use Bathroom, Clip Fingernails, Get Haircut, will give me the can-do attitude to carry me forward through this more difficult task.
Kate, although my wife doesn’t think I have a chance with you, and constantly says mean things behind your back, I hope you get to meet her. Everybody likes her more than they like me, but I bet you wouldn’t like her once you knew all the smack she talks about you. She’s a librarian and orders all her school’s books, but her shelves don’t contain even one Kate Beckinsale biography. Maybe you should try and steal me away to teach her a lesson
Note to all readers: If you use my Momentum Agreement or goal-setting techniques to make a celebrity fall in love with you, the celebrity can’t be Kate Beckinsale–this means you, Clay! Please check the celebrity names with me first since this was my idea and I don’t want someone else competing with me for the same celebrities using my methods.