
Today’s question comes from gojulesgo of goguiltypleasures.com, who worries her marriage is becoming too equal for her liking. (If gojulesgo sounds familiar, perhaps you’ve heard from your friends Jules has her very own barn.)
Dear Good Greatsby,
Over the past 8 years, my husband has grown quite spoiled by my wit, generosity and what some might call utter perfection. I’m concerned with his constant need for compliments when he cooks me dinner, not to mention the way he expresses jealousy whenever I tell the dog I love him best. I used to be able to thwart this behavior by crying, or with threats of shopping trips to Talbots. Things have changed, I’m afraid. Just a few weeks ago, he stormed out of the room after opening his birthday present. Stormed out! You’d think he’d show a little more appreciation for the $7.14 Borders gift card I’d given him. He shouted something about how the local chain has already gone out of business, and his tone was simply unacceptable. I don’t think he even noticed that I wrapped it in recycled paper – paper I made with my own two hands by shredding every love letter he’s ever written to me. I’m sure you understand my plight, and I know if anyone can help me restore the natural imbalance of my relationship, it’s you.
Sincerely, Julie
Dear Julie,
Paul: Of course I understand your plight because I deal with similar frustrations in every single one of my relationships. The more time someone spends with me, the more they get used to all the impressive things I do. For example, my kids used to rave to their friends about their dad every time I pulled a coin from their ears, but now they only want to see that magic trick at the arcade when they need change for a dollar.
Eventually, the balance in every relationship shifts and instead of me receiving 100 percent of the compliments for my impressive feats, family and friends expect a 50/50 exchange of compliments and to be praised every time they wipe their noses. My son read a book I wrote, and he gave me a nice card saying how much he loved it. After I read the card, he looked at me expectantly and I realized he wanted a compliment for the card he gave me complimenting the book I wrote. A compliment for writing a book and compliment for writing a card, especially a card with sub-par penmanship written on computer paper from my office printer, should not be equal on the compliment scale. And even if they were equal, that would just be trading compliments–what’s the point?
Your specific relationship imbalance is a common complaint of marriage because we’re all programmed to try and win a life partner who seems better than we are, as though we’re getting something higher in value than we’re giving, and if both partners in a relationship think they’re getting a better deal, eventually, someone is going to learn the truth and be disappointed. It sounds like your husband still hasn’t realized what a great trade he made, and it must be frustrating for you to realize you got the worse deal while your husband adds insult to injury by demanding compliments as though he were your equal and you hadn’t done him a huge favor.
My suggestion is to stop being so impressive until the scales tip back in your favor. If he no longer appreciates your perfection, your Borders gift cards, or your efforts to save the world by recycling his love letters, then it’s time to cut your perfection in half to match his level.
Here are some fake faults I use on my wife to help her feel we are equals:
1. Forgetting her name.
2. Forgetting her friends’ names.
3. Introducing myself as single while inquiring after her friends’ names.
4. Forgetting her birthday.
5. Throwing myself a birthday party on her birthday and insisting I got the dates mixed up, although I still manage to remember and celebrate my birthday on the real date.
Once you’ve cut down on your perfection level for a period of time and feel he’s been sufficiently trained to appreciate the lengths you have to stoop to be on his level, you can start bringing out the impressive again. This cycle may have to be repeated every few years, and you may find it easier to simply convince your husband to become much more impressive.
Submit your questions on the Dear Good Greatsby page.
gerknoop
September 22, 2011
You could just wear a T-shirt that says “I’m Perfect and your Not” to remind him every day! Or better yet just wear it to bed every night so he goes to sleep remembering this fact and waking up to start his day with it as well.
Laura
September 22, 2011
That T-shirt may be even more perfect than you intended.
The Good Greatsby
September 22, 2011
He needs some sort of consistent reinforcement of her awesomeness.
torcon1
September 22, 2011
Sage advice oh Good One! Do you offer some kind of sliding calibration tool because the “perfect-to-perfect-not-so-much” ratio between me and my wife seems to be in a constant state of flux….
Bridgesburning Chris King
September 22, 2011
How wonderful that you have saved yet another marriage so skillfully and Hank goodness that your own experiences with the imperfects around you gives you the tools to guide others. Will Guru become one of your titles?
The Good Greatsby
September 22, 2011
I’m glad my struggles with the mediocrity around me could be a help to others.
spilledinkguy
September 22, 2011
Unfortunately this post works against me (and I’ve worked hard on altering the balance in my relationship), so I’m going to pretend I never read this…
lalala I can’t hear you, lalala…
The Good Greatsby
September 22, 2011
I only now realized this post may not be music to the ears of those people who married up.
Lenore Diane
September 22, 2011
Hang on a second… is Jules your sister? A cousin, perhaps? The two of you seem to have a similar personality and outlook on life – er, I mean, yourself.
girlonthecontrary
September 22, 2011
Jules and I are obviously best friends so I can tell you that it would be near impossible for her to be less perfect. That’s like asking champagne to be less delicious and necessary for living. Clearly, the answer is sex withholding. It’s old fashioned but it’s effective.
gojulesgo
September 22, 2011
GotC, I might have to split that “A Little Princess” locket in half so we can share it.
pegoleg
September 22, 2011
I really feel for Jules and her dilemma, and you’ve presented some excellent advice.
Might I also suggest she hire sycophants to slobber over her every move to make him realize his good fortune? I have heard of some people having good luck with this tactic. But not me, of course. I wouldn’t do that. Ha ha! I don’t have to PAY people to get compliments.
gojulesgo
September 22, 2011
Thank you for being so rational about this. Might I suggest I hand-select said sycophants?
pegoleg
September 22, 2011
Good idea! Sycophant try-outs are sure to be a real stroke for the ego.
Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson
September 22, 2011
Jules is pretty fabulous. And this is precisely why G-d created therapists. Instead of all these mind games, a good therapist will help your husband to recognize your excellence quickly. At $120 per hour, I’m guessing he’ll see the light pretty quickly. 😉
gojulesgo
September 22, 2011
Renée, right back at’cha! But can I hire a morally corrupt therapist who’s willing to play the mind games [against my husband] with me? I already have a surprising number of ideas for this.
gojulesgo
September 22, 2011
Paul, thank you. I knew you would understand. Effective immediately, I plan on pretending that I can’t, in fact, sneeze silently with my eyes open.
P.S. – Why is it only letting me hit ‘like’ once?
The Good Greatsby
September 22, 2011
I’d like to see a picture of that silent, open-eyed sneeze.
cooper
September 22, 2011
might i suggest some additional action items…
1) shred his favorite shirt and use to line the cat box/bird cage/fish tank – whatever pet arrangement you have
2) stay at his best friend’s house christmas day
John Erickson
September 22, 2011
I tried a simple trade. For over 12 years, I took care of my wife’s every need including providing housing for her before I moved her up to Chicago to be with me. Then, when I got sick, I traded the “breadwinner” duties to her, and now she supports me!
Unfortunately, that deal expires at the end of 2012. Now you know why I’m rooting for the 21-December-2012 supposed apocalypse to really occur…..
subWOW
September 22, 2011
Now I know what my husband has been trying to tell me!
annabachinsky
September 22, 2011
Wow… what a terrible dilemma. Poor, poor Jules. My heart goes out to you :). Good greatsby- since when have you become a therapist for fellow bloggers?? I think I’ll start sending all my “dear abby” questions to you instead. You obviously have much more insightful and helpful advice then “she” does 😉
HoaiPhai
September 22, 2011
The only way to keep the compliments coming is to keep the marriage fresh. The way I do this is through a system I like to call “rotational polygamy”. I always have a fresh wife or two around who have not had time to become spoiled by all the great things I do, and have enough seasoned spouses at hand to create a sense of stability and who can train the new ones in the right way of doing things. I have a priest and a divorce lawyer on retainer to keep the revolving door greased.
Jules, do you want me to send you my wives’ brothers’ phone numbers?
Bearman
September 22, 2011
I think your humor is dated now GG. What arcades are around that don’t cost dollars instead of quarters? ha
The Good Greatsby
September 22, 2011
Very true. Since we’re in China, we actually pay for arcade games with 1 yuan coins, but I didn’t think it flowed as well to say I pulled yuan from the kids’ ears
Lani Wendt Young
September 22, 2011
LOL Love this! Jst found yr blog via Paige Kellerman’s recommendation. Wow, glad I listened.
Jess Witkins
September 22, 2011
Wow, you really helped save that relationship! Clearly her husband was borderline out of control. I mean, if someone shredded all the love letters I’d ever written for them and took the time to paper mache a gift box out of them, I’d be just tickled. In fact, I’m going to leave my work in progress next to our shredder for my honey to see, in the kitchen perhaps, next to some scissors, glue, and magic markers. That way, he’ll see it all there and know I WANT him to destroy my manuscript and decorate the house with handmade paper snowflakes so he can prove he understands just how perfect and unique I am. Just like a snowflake.
Thanks Dr. Greatsby, you just saved Christmas.
Byron MacLymont
September 22, 2011
A Border’s gift card?! That’s a collector’s item, is what that is!
pegoleg
September 22, 2011
🙂
Luda Kristen
September 22, 2011
This advice is muy excelente, Mr. Greatsby, although I suspect I am the least impressive of the two in my own relationship.
The one time my boyfriend and I spoke, he had no idea what my name was. He must be reading your blog.
Todd Pack
September 22, 2011
Good advice, as usual, but if I may, I’d like to offer one small suggestion for improving Nos. 1 and 2 on your list of “fake faults.”
Simply “forgetting” her name or the names of her friends could be dismissed as simply having a “senior moment” or suggest that you’re one of those people who simply aren’t good with names. I believe the best way to drive home the idea that you’re not perfect is to refer to her (and her female friends) by the name of either an ex-girlfriend or your mother.
Alternatively, when she mentions a female friend, pretend you don’t know who she’s talking about and ask, “You mean the one with the breasts?”
HoaiPhai
September 23, 2011
…or refer to her friends by their actual bra sizes.
pattisj
September 23, 2011
Gojulesgo husband cooks dinner? Where does one find one of those?
The Good Greatsby
September 23, 2011
It’s hard to believe he could be as bad a guy as Jules says if he makes dinner, but I’m here to take her side, not to poke holes in her story.
thoughtsappear
September 23, 2011
A Borders gift card? I can’t believe he got upset by that. In a few years, it’ll be a collector’s item. And what about the sentimental value? I can’t believe he got upset. Ungrateful….