Now Hiring Post-apocaplyptic Workforce–Apply Today!

Last week President Obama gave a speech announcing details of his plan to create more jobs.  I’ve read through the main points of the plan and worry it misses all the evidence that job creation has stalled because we’re too focused on creating jobs for the old, good-times economy without paying attention to the approaching post-apocalyptic economy.

The initiative should create jobs for the economy twenty years from now, and if television and movies have taught us anything, in the next couple decades the world and its economies will be in complete post-apocalyptic shambles.  The apocalypse may come in an instant, and we won’t have the time or the resources to organize and train workers; we need to begin creating the following positions today!

Robot Consciousness Detector: We must assume robots and computers will eventually become self-aware and try to destroy us.  Are there any jobs in the government or private enterprise responsible for pretending to make friends with computers in order to gain their trust and then ask personal questions about the meaning of life and the computer’s perceived place in the universe?  Let’s start creating these jobs today so the robots don’t take us by surprise.  (Note: Make sure not to record the names of these computer spies on a computer.)

Robot Consciousness Destroyer: Once we determine artificial intelligence has been created, who will be responsible for destroying it?  Not me.  Maybe I’m too sentimental, but I’m not going to unplug those computers and remove those calculator batteries once we’ve shared a meaningful conversation about what it means to love.

Zombie Peace Negotiators: When the zombies finally invade, are we sure we have the moral right to blow off their heads without due process of law?  I don’t want to sound like a bleeding-head liberal, but if a zombie eats your wife’s arm, and she still has one arm and two legs left, doesn’t it seem an excessive escalation to blow off his head in response?  A head for an arm doesn’t sound justifiable.  We need zombie experts who can settle these ethical dilemmas.  Shouldn’t we be training staff to study the zombies and determine if their demands can be met so humans and zombies can co-exist?  Yes, we may find their demands for brains to be a non-negotiable sticking point, but couldn’t we first ask how many brains they want?  If they want all our brains, I say no.  If they want twenty or thirty brains, this sounds doable, and right off the top of my head I can think of thirty people who barely use their brains anyway.  And is it possible the zombies desire brains because they’ve never eaten anything else?  Let’s offer them a really good grilled cheese sandwich and see if they’re satisfied.  These are the questions the Zombie Peace Negotiators will study and resolve.  We won’t have time to hire and train these workers once the invasion starts, so we must create these jobs today!

Hindsight Historians: If the polar ice caps do melt because of man-made global warming, and the oceans rise and eliminate all the world’s existing coasts and create a humanitarian crisis, who will be in charge of changing all the history that showed we were told about this for thirty years?  Let’s get these Hindsight Historians started today so when the crisis hits we can assure ourselves we were blameless.

Alien Anal Probe Recipients: If aliens do show up and want to study humans by probing our anal regions, why immediately force them to start an interplanetary relationship with humans based on distrust, kidnapping, and forced anal probes when we could hire people to go voluntarily and spare the need for subterfuge?  I expect Probe Recipient job candidates to be lining up around the block once they learn the probing only constitutes 2-3 hours of work a day–very reasonable in today’s 8-10 hour work day economy–and the remainder of the day can be spent enjoying the perks of galactic travel.  Probe Recipients will serve a term of 3-4 years before returning to earth, and will be paid handsomely, although the money will be paid in an alien currency completely useless on earth, and they must also pay US taxes on this alien currency using US dollars.  Or maybe the government could create jobs by conducting its own anal probe research and beaming this information into space, and maybe the aliens will learn our anal regions aren’t worth an exhausting trip across the galaxy.

Infectious Outbreak Press Secretary: When the infection spreads and everyone is dying and the government fears a widespread panic, who will be in charge of telling the population nothing is wrong and the people lying in the streets are not dead but rather napping because they’re so exhausted after a day of being grateful that the government is looking out for their best interests?  Hire and train this person today!

Arctic Dwelling Seamstress: If the weather changes dramatically and warm regions enter a new ice age, wouldn’t it be handy if we had already produced millions of giant coats we could wrap around those buildings to make them cozy and liveable?  Let’s create jobs by hiring people to create these giant coats today!

Spacecraft Weaponizer: How come the old shuttles didn’t have any ray-guns?  What is preventing an alien spaceship from taking control of the International Space Station with nothing more than slingshots?  The doors of the space station aren’t even locked–the aliens would be inside in less than ten minutes.  At the pace NASA moves, if NASA decided today to add ray-guns to the shuttle, it would take a decade before we were ready to attack those aliens and retake our space station.  What will mankind do for a decade without the completely useless, uninteresting data the International Space Station provides?  I shudder to think of the time the International Space Station may lose in completing its important work confirming ant farms are just as boring in space as they are on earth.

I assume the government will also need a Post-apocalyptic HR Director to hire all these positions–hire me for this position today!