Browsing All Posts filed under »Love Letters«

Dear Game of Thrones, Season 3: Please Don’t Suck

March 29, 2013


Dear Game of Thrones, Season 3, Please don’t suck. I’ve been let down by television before, and I don’t think I could bear getting hurt again. Lately, I’ve felt television has been taking advantage of our relationship, violating our agreement that it would provide me with mindless escapism in exchange for me ignoring my family […]

Friday Love Letters: Dear Zooey Deschanel, Part Two

November 4, 2011


Dear Zooey, On Wednesday, I should have guessed something was amiss when my wife asked me not to use the Internet all day for my own safety because she warned the Internet might be haunted. When I finally did try and use the Internet, I found the router had been doused in water. The entire […]

Friday Love Letters: Dear Kate Beckinsale

September 16, 2011


Dear Kate Beckinsale, If we ever sit next to each other on an airplane, here’s my plan to make you fall in love with me: When we meet I’ll ask you a rapid series of small favors to which you’ll readily agree, and once you turn your ‘yes’ onto autopilot, and I can tell you’re […]

Friday Love Letters: Dear Rachel Weisz

September 9, 2011


Dear Rachel Weisz, One of my great embarrassments is that I’ve seen The Mummy fifteen times but Schindler’s List only once. I knew I would hate The Mummy, and this is why I didn’t see it in theaters, only catching it on TV years later, but something happened the moment you appeared on screen as […]

Friday Love Letters: Dear Nigella

August 26, 2011


Dear Nigella, I have no interest in cooking, but still I watch your cooking show.  Actually, I didn’t even know it was a cooking show until the fourth episode when my wife returned home early and asked what I was watching.  I jumped out of my chair and answered, “Honey, I know what this looks like.  […]

Friday Love Letters: Dear Zooey Deschanel

August 19, 2011


In the next week I’ll particpate in drafts for both of my fantasy football leagues.  Last year I consistently struggled to find consistent running back production, so I’ll still probably use my first two picks on RBs, although I don’t see a lot of depth at the position, and I wonder how the prolonged holdout of […]

Friday Love Letters: Dear Turkish Girl I Saw on a Bus in Germany for Six Minutes and Fell in Love With

August 12, 2011


Dear Turkish Girl I Saw on a Bus in Germany for Six Minutes and Fell in Love With, How long has it been since that fall evening on the bus?  I think I was still a teenager, right?  I’m not sure why I’m asking you for confirmation of my age since we never actually talked and I […]

Friday Love Letters: Dear Jane Seymour

August 5, 2011


Dear Jane Seymour, I realize you’re a classy Englishwoman so I assume it will take more than dinner and a movie coupled with conversation about my fantasy football draft to win you over.  I’m not sure I’m genuinely classy, but I’ve taken pretending to be classy to a whole new level.  I own a smoking […]

Friday Love Letters: Dear Totino’s Party Pizza

July 29, 2011


Dear Totino’s Party Pizza, Why do we ever fight?  I may say some hurtful things in the heat of the moment, usually when standing on a scale, but I always come back, don’t I?  You know I can’t stay mad at you. Totino’s Party Pizza, you are the greatest of economy meals.  I’ve found you […]

Friday Love Letters: Dear Olivia Newton-John

July 22, 2011


Dear Olivia Newton-John, Do any of your friends and family call you ONJ?  I do.  When you talk about someone so much, it becomes laborious to say the entire name Olivia Newton-John.  Like when my wife and I were enjoying a date night last week, and I was thinking of you, and said to my […]