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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Even More Indifferent State Tourism Slogans
Last year in celebration of America’s Independence Day I did two posts on indifferent state slogans but only covered two-thirds of the states. I now present a comprehensive list of all fifty: Alabama: Now with universal phone access in 41 of 67 counties. Alaska: Not the birthplace of Sarah Palin. Arizona: 47 days without a […]
Posted in: Columns
Give Him 2.54 Centimeters and He’ll Take 1.6 Kilometers
July 2, 2012
I’ve spent the majority of my adult life living abroad in Germany and China. When you study foreign language you learn how to speak in the simplest manner possible and avoid the use of idiomatic expressions that obviously wouldn’t exist in another language. When business has required me to translate meetings in German or Chinese, […]
Posted in: Columns
Opening Night Nerves
June 29, 2012
Tonight is opening night. I’m waiting in the dressing room to go out in less than an hour to play Inspector Hound in Tom Stoppard’s The Real Inspector Hound. Some actors are superstitious and like to follow the same rituals before every show. The only tradition I follow is to call the director fifteen minutes […]
Posted in: Columns
Not-So-Healthy Headlines
June 25, 2012
This week the United States Supreme Court is expected to hand down its ruling on President Obama’s healthcare act. If the bill is overturned, many Americans will joyfully cheer its defeat, despite it being the first serious effort to correct a system that allows Americans to rank #37 in healthcare and #38 in life expectancy, […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Making Ourselves at Home at Your Home
June 22, 2012
When my wife and I are invited into someone’s house and are greeted with the offer “Make yourself at home,” we consider this to be a broad legal cover for any of our bad behavior. If I hit on my wife at home, and I’m making myself at home at your home, how can you […]
Posted in: Columns
The Prime Minister’s Literal Pub Crawl
June 20, 2012
The British Prime Minister, David Cameron, was recently embarrassed upon the revelation he had left his 8-year-old daughter behind after the family visited a pub. Apparently two of his children rode in one car with Cameron’s wife and his wife assumed the 8-year-old was riding in a second car with the Prime Minister. You may […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
My Son, the Model Student
June 18, 2012
Last week my wife filled out a form for our kids’ applications to a new international school they’ll attend in the fall. I was eager to help and filled out a page for our eight-year-old son, The Fonz. When my wife saw my answers she took the rest of the packet away from me. 1. […]
Posted in: Family
Things You Don’t Want to Hear Whispered from the Changing Room Ceiling
June 14, 2012
I’m not a fan of changing rooms. How can a clothing store spend millions of dollars on clothing design, marketing, and store layout, and spend nothing on dressing room lighting? I know it’s not just me because I looked dashing in the mirror at home and looked terrible an hour later at H&M. I always […]
Posted in: Columns
Even More from the Search Engine Oracle
June 11, 2012
I get a lot of variations of this question in my search terms: is he secretly in love with me Yes, he’s in love with you. But no, it’s not a secret. Everyone knows but you. He wanted to tell you but I convinced him to hold off in the hopes that you’d increase your […]
Posted in: Columns
An Interview with Optimist Prime–Part 2
June 8, 2012
Yesterday we attended Optimist Prime’s graduation from elementary school. He’s growing up so fast. It seems like only a year ago he was a year younger than he is now. And it seems like only yesterday when I made that same joke to him at his elementary school graduation. He’s only ten but he just […]
Posted in: Family
Evidence of the Zombie Apocalypse
June 5, 2012
The Center for Disease Control has issued a denial of any zombie apocalypse in the wake of multiple bizarre zombie-like attacks last week. The CDC says there’s no zombie apocalypse, but isn’t that what you’d expect them to say if there was a zombie apocalypse? The denial of a zombie apocalypse is therefore inversely the […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
If it Was a Snake it Would Have Bit You
June 1, 2012
A serpent-handling pastor in West Virginia was bitten and killed by one of those very serpents he handled. To make the story even more comically tragic, this pastor had watched years earlier as his pastor father was bitten and killed by a snake. There’s a certain poetic symmetry in dying in the same manner as […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
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