Tonight is opening night.
I’m waiting in the dressing room to go out in less than an hour to play Inspector Hound in Tom Stoppard’s The Real Inspector Hound. Some actors are superstitious and like to follow the same rituals before every show. The only tradition I follow is to call the director fifteen minutes before opening night and ask if attendance is mandatory.
I also have the tradition of asking every member of the cast if I can borrow money, but that’s a tradition I begin at the very first rehearsal.
I’ve never been one to get stage fright. Some actors get nervous before going out on stage and thrive on the adrenalin, while others forget their lines. A popular recommendation if you fear going on stage or giving a speech is to imaging the audience is naked. I’m worried if I tried imagining everyone naked and it did make me feel more comfortable, I might start imagining everyone naked all the time.
Because nerves can be helpful, I always try and help the other actors by making them nervous immediately before they go on stage. Tonight I’m going to make the following comments:
I know that’s your cue to enter, but before you go out, can I really, really quickly tell you a long story?
The director told me to tell you he wanted us to kiss at the end of the play. Also after the play.
You’re not working out. I’m going to take all your lines. If anyone in your family is in the audience tonight you can still go on stage but just stand next to me and smile.
I’ve loved working with you; I’m so glad the director’s first choice pulled out.
I thought your wife couldn’t come tonight. Who’s that guy she’s sitting with?
I love how you’ve had the guts to interpret the role completely different than the director. And the writer. And pretty much everyone.
Did the director talk to you about all the stuff she wanted you to change?
The Good Greatsby 
on thehomefrontandbeyond
June 29, 2012
you are hilarious – but I never want to be in a play with you!
becomingcliche
June 29, 2012
I’d be afraid that if I imagined everyone naked, I’d spend the whole play thinking “What a weird and unfortunate place to have a mole…” And maybe say it out loud.
skippingstones
June 29, 2012
“You have this huge thing…” and gesture digging at your teeth, seconds before their cue. Then once you get out there, keep staring at their teeth every time they talk.
susielindau
June 29, 2012
I am nervous for you! Break a leg! Break your neck! Break someone’s nose – no that’s not right…
Vanessa Chapman
June 29, 2012
Do you do the thing of playing on-stage jokes on each other on the closing night? I was in a few plays when I lived in Vegas, and we always did that, of course it had to be things that the audience wouldn’t notice (as long as the actor kept their cool). Just silly things like in one play this guy was serving a drink, and he had to take the lid off the ice box and say “Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t have any ice”, so of course on the final night we made sure the box was full of ice – he still managed to deliver the line though! What a lark!
t
June 29, 2012
And besides, there’s so many of us who shouldn’t be publicly naked – imaginarily or otherwise…
pegoleg
June 29, 2012
I’m singing “It’s Bad Luck to Say ‘Good Luck’ on Opening Night” from The Producers (the one with Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder) and it’s making me giggle inside my head. Knock ’em dead!
thelifeofjamie
June 29, 2012
I don’t think you should be nervous. I think you should just look in the mirror, say “hey good lookin” and go out there and rock it!
philosophermouseofthehedge
June 29, 2012
Hilarious. The cast is just so lucky to have you to assist them with their jitters. Break a uh, nail (or someone else’s)!
Hermionejh
June 29, 2012
That is so awesome!! I’m going to use some of those in the next show I’m in. I especially like asking if ‘attendance is necessary”. If I make my fellow actors nervous, they’ll turn on me – I just know it won’t work out to my benefit – but I’m glad it does to yours (or at least for the sake of hilarity!). Such a great post! Thank you. 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
June 29, 2012
Ugh. I can barely read this. I have paralyzing stage fright (and I was been in high school plays). Break a leg (preferably someone else’s).
Hermionejh
June 29, 2012
Reblogged this on Life On Earth and commented:
I really needed this dose of humor – and advice! – and I hope you find it as amusing as I did. Cheers!
Hippie Cahier
June 29, 2012
Close your eyes and think of England. No, wait. Wrong performance anxiety.
little blog of happy
June 29, 2012
Just before the leading man goes out (assuming it’s not you), you could always say “I’m so sorry about your dog.” Then sigh and say “but the show must go on.” Good luck….I’m sure the reviews will be stellar!
little blog of happy
June 30, 2012
Wait….if you’re Inspector Hound in “The Real Inspector Hound”, you must be the leading man. Congrats! Knock ’em dead. So to speak.
Audrey
June 30, 2012
I just have a feeling you are every theatre company’s dream to work with!!
Spectra
June 30, 2012
Did you know only sociopaths are unaffected by Opening Night Jitters?
Great Luck and I’m sure you will knock ’em Dead…if not literally, at least figuratively. Me hopes.
Jackie Cangro
June 30, 2012
A co-worker always pops in my office (even if I’m with someone else or on the phone) and says, “Quick question…”
It’s never quick! It is never, ever quick.
qwinkly3
July 1, 2012
I hate when someone prefaces their question with those 2 words ! Like I’m too stupid to notice it’s a question, without them tipping me off first ! Seriously, if they wanted so much to be quick, they’d be 2 words quicker without that preface !
Laura
June 30, 2012
I love Tom Stoppard! You should walk around backstage before the play, nervously practicing lines from Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead.
mistyslaws
June 30, 2012
Or you could go around with a crowbar and LITERALLY break everyone’s legs, while chanting “good luck, good luck, good luck.” That will really take their minds off their jitters.
Michelle Gillies
July 1, 2012
Break a leg! Please don’t make it anyone else’s leg. 😉
yetanotherutopian
July 1, 2012
LOL 🙂 I’m sure to try couple of them next time I’m going to perform on stage.
yetanotherutopian
July 1, 2012
the play is an awesome one though…better not spoil this one 🙂
She's a Maineiac
July 1, 2012
Hope opening night was smashing and you broke a leg or two!
monicastangledweb
July 2, 2012
Hope you broke your leg and knocked it out of the park! I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. 😉
kaysfairytale
July 2, 2012
I love this, I will definitely use some of these lines! I strongly recommend that you look up the TV show “Slings and Arrows” on Netflix. It will most certainly make your nerves worse and make you terrified of your co-stars.
Thomas Stazyk
July 2, 2012
You know that fake dagger you get stabbed with? I switched it with a real one.
Pleun
July 2, 2012
Hope you used most of these lines and am curious how opening night went. Haha. Thanks for the smile you give me almost every day. I would therefore like to nominate you for an award. Check http://pleunblog.wordpress.com/2012/07/02/my-very-first-award/ for the details.
Keep it up 🙂
spilledinkguy
July 2, 2012
I’d have guessed your trick was imagining everyone in the audience in a smoking jacket.
Elyse
July 10, 2012
So nice to read that you were nervous after reading that you were successful. If only life always worked that way! Congratulations!