Evidence of the Zombie Apocalypse

Posted on June 5, 2012


The Center for Disease Control has issued a denial of any zombie apocalypse in the wake of multiple bizarre zombie-like attacks last week.

The CDC says there’s no zombie apocalypse, but isn’t that what you’d expect them to say if there was a zombie apocalypse? The denial of a zombie apocalypse is therefore inversely the greatest evidence for a zombie apocalypse. I guess maybe not the greatest evidence since the sight of a charging zombie horde would obviously be more convincing than a denial from the CDC, but I think you catch my drift.

Here’s my question for the CDC: If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why do I keep knocking down my neighbor’s door and inviting myself to dinner, even after numerous police warnings?

If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why do I feel so disappointed that so many people I know lack any brains?

If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why are slideshows so popular on the Internet? I have to believe it’s not real humans clicking on the addictive, manipulative, sensational, completely useless, substance-lacking, time-killing, brain-numbing, junk food of the Internet that have completely skewed all click-metrics so the most banal websites appear to be the most popular and are the only ones making money. Only zombies could be trained to click repetitively day-after-day without feeling any shame.

If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why would my best friend Todd ask me to return all the tools I’ve borrowed over the years if he didn’t need them for barricading his doors and windows?

If there’s no zombie apocalypse, why do people keep overreacting when my kids try to bite them?

To be honest, I don’t think a zombie apocalypse is likely, but we should be prepared for any emergency, and just like the bars I put over my kids’ windows because of the remote possibility of air sharks, we’ve also discussed an emergency plan in case of a zombie invasion. Seriously. We really have talked about this.

As soon as we hear the first thump and the moaning for ‘brains’, Optimist Prime is in charge of pushing the shoe rack against the front door. Mrs. Greatsby and I are in charge of pushing the couch against the front windows. The Fonz is in charge of betraying us and saving himself at our expense.

We also have a back-up plan in case fending off the zombies doesn’t work and we find ourselves part of the undead horde. Over the years whenever I visited friends’ homes I took inventory of entrances, exits, possible weapons that could be used against us, and head size. Just because we’re zombies doesn’t mean my job providing for my children is over.


If the post-apocalyptic future is weighing heavily on your mind, you might find useful information in my post: Now Hiring Post-apocalyptic Workforce–Apply Today!


Congratulations to the caption contest finalists. Don’t be the only kid in school who forgets to vote in the caption contest at least once a day.