Not-So-Healthy Headlines

Posted on June 25, 2012


This week the United States Supreme Court is expected to hand down its ruling on President Obama’s healthcare act. If the bill is overturned, many Americans will joyfully cheer its defeat, despite it being the first serious effort to correct a system that allows Americans to rank #37 in healthcare and #38 in life expectancy, but #1 in per capita healthcare expenditure. The only other healthcare category in which America leads is the zeal with which we insist we have the world’s best healthcare.

When the Soviets put a satellite in space, it inspired Americans to send a man to the moon as part of a competition to prove America’s system and values could produce greater achievements than the Soviets. Nowadays when Americans hear Cubans beat them in life expectancy it doesn’t inspire more than a shrug–we’ll offer another shrug in a few minutes, just give us some time to catch our breath.

When the media is waiting for big news like the healthcare ruling, it prepares two different versions of the story to ensure an immediate response regardless of the outcome. I’ve decided to create headlines the media can use whether the bill is overturned or upheld:

If overturned:

Supreme Court to America’s Uninsured: Eat More Apples

After Defeat Democrats Hope to Give Republicans Taste of Their Own Medicine; Can’t Afford It

Republican Plans for Three Cheers Cut to One After First Cheer Sets Off Bout of Wheezing

Life of Healthcare Bill Even Shorter than American Life Expectancy

Now That Healthcare is on Life Support, Republicans Feel Moral Obligation to Save It

Healthcare Bill Denied Clean Bill of Health

Diagnosis: Death

If Upheld:

Obama Rubs Salt in GOP Wound; Insists Wound Was Preexisting Condition

On Heels of Healthcare Reform, America Sets Sights on Overtaking Cuba in Life Expectancy

After Defeat, Republican Conniption Fit Followed Closely by Coughing Fit

Obama to Republicans: Turn Your Head and Cough Up Apology


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