This week the United States Supreme Court is expected to hand down its ruling on President Obama’s healthcare act. If the bill is overturned, many Americans will joyfully cheer its defeat, despite it being the first serious effort to correct a system that allows Americans to rank #37 in healthcare and #38 in life expectancy, but #1 in per capita healthcare expenditure. The only other healthcare category in which America leads is the zeal with which we insist we have the world’s best healthcare.
When the Soviets put a satellite in space, it inspired Americans to send a man to the moon as part of a competition to prove America’s system and values could produce greater achievements than the Soviets. Nowadays when Americans hear Cubans beat them in life expectancy it doesn’t inspire more than a shrug–we’ll offer another shrug in a few minutes, just give us some time to catch our breath.
When the media is waiting for big news like the healthcare ruling, it prepares two different versions of the story to ensure an immediate response regardless of the outcome. I’ve decided to create headlines the media can use whether the bill is overturned or upheld:
If overturned:
Supreme Court to America’s Uninsured: Eat More Apples
After Defeat Democrats Hope to Give Republicans Taste of Their Own Medicine; Can’t Afford It
Republican Plans for Three Cheers Cut to One After First Cheer Sets Off Bout of Wheezing
Life of Healthcare Bill Even Shorter than American Life Expectancy
Now That Healthcare is on Life Support, Republicans Feel Moral Obligation to Save It
Healthcare Bill Denied Clean Bill of Health
Diagnosis: Death
If Upheld:
Obama Rubs Salt in GOP Wound; Insists Wound Was Preexisting Condition
On Heels of Healthcare Reform, America Sets Sights on Overtaking Cuba in Life Expectancy
After Defeat, Republican Conniption Fit Followed Closely by Coughing Fit
Obama to Republicans: Turn Your Head and Cough Up Apology
*****
Click here to submit a caption in this week’s caption contest.
The Good Greatsby 
koco
June 25, 2012
Delicious reading!!!! Sure hope it’s the last ‘Upheld’ headline…that would keep my laugh tank full for weeks!
Ruchika
June 25, 2012
And the *good side* of Paul is back. 😀 Kidding. Really loved this one. If the headlines ran as you wrote them, I would want the bill overturned. Super duper ones there!
The Good Greatsby
June 25, 2012
I keep offering my services to write headlines for the media but I haven’t had any takers yet.
Patti Kuche
June 25, 2012
Now that Dick Cheney officially has a heart is it too much to hope Republicans have found theirs?
Evy
June 25, 2012
Awwww, I’m disappointed…..maybe next time?
Michelle Gillies
June 25, 2012
Watching this unfold has been both confusing and an eyeopener. It does make me grateful I live in Canada where I have healthcare. As a cancer survivor I know I would never have been able to afford the caliber of care I received during my fight if it wasn’t for our healthcare.
The Good Greatsby
June 25, 2012
And you also have better syrup.
Beckers
June 28, 2012
And we also have loonies and toonies! American money is so boring.
Evy
June 25, 2012
By the time the politicians and the ins co.’s have their say, everything turns from being about ins. to making money on the backs of hard working americans…..so disappointing.
Snoring Dog Studio
June 25, 2012
I’d laugh if the Republican lies about this healthcare bill weren’t so egregious. Theirs was an effective strategy to ensure that millions of people will go without adequate or any health insurance. And, yet, they never offered up a single viable alternative. It’s a shame that the electorate doesn’t have the time to read the Affordable Care Act or the desire to. Well, we’ll see. What with the SCOTUS we have, I’m thinking we’re all going to be forking over more money to pay for health insurance. My rates just went up, negating the meager 2% raise I just got.
The Good Greatsby
June 25, 2012
It’s hard to imagine we could pay any more.
agreatexperiment
June 25, 2012
Reblogged this on A Great Experiment and commented:
The fact we’re so behind in health is perhaps one of the most upsetting things about our nation today. Combined with our less than 100% literacy rates, it feels like a lie to further proclaim that “America is the best nation on Earth” – for the numbers seem to have other ideas.
The Good Greatsby
June 25, 2012
We’re still #1 in proclaiming we’re #1.
spilledinkguy
June 25, 2012
I always aim for #2. Since everyone else is battling it out for the gold I figure it’s a good opportunity to sidle in for silver.
mistyslaws
June 26, 2012
I was super excited when I found out my city ranked third in worst dressed cities in America!! Number 3 ain’t so bad. Let’s strive for that. And by strive, I actually mean ample slowly with our walkers and stop repeatedly to catch our breaths.
Mark Petruska
June 25, 2012
If overturned, are we going to have to all start eating fish seven days a week like the Japanese? I’d better master my chopstick technique.
The Good Greatsby
June 25, 2012
Yes.
philosophermouseofthehedge
June 26, 2012
and the mercury poisoning?….oh, fewer people in line at Doc’s office. Just part of the grand plan.
Great headlines – keep them ready
Kim
June 26, 2012
Hello. I just wanted to let you know that http://www.kimberliah.com has moved on to a self-hosted website. What does this mean for you? Possibly nothing, if you were tired of my blog, but didn’t have the heart to un-follow. You’re officially off the hook! However, if you were still pro-kimberliah please take a moment and visit my site and re-follow. I’ll be your friend for life. I promise! It’ll only take a few second of your time and it will make me smile…. and possibly shed a tear. Happy blogging!
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
June 26, 2012
I had no idea that’s how conniption was spelled – please remind me not to play Words With Friends with you….
monicastangledweb
June 26, 2012
I love this, Paul. It is so frustrating that the Repubs hate giving health care to all. That somehow it’s perceived as a socialist move to do so. And, I’m afraid the Supreme Court is too biased to the right, to even consider using common sense. At least one of them doesn’t even pretend to hide his disdain for the president. Like I said, it’s so frustrating!
Spectra
June 30, 2012
I really believe we need to repeal healthcare and insurance coverage for politicians, especially the Repubs who are hellbent on bashing to the grave a healthier care system for our citizens. If they and their respective families got seriously sick and had to pay their own medical bills, they would have a different perspective on this. It just amazes me, the indifference some have for those who really are trapped financially.
Where I live, self insured health coverage for a mature adult costs over $675 a MONTH! That is PER MONTH! phew. It’s easier to die than pay. and less stressful.
notanotherrandomgirl
June 26, 2012
Hi,
I nominated your blog for an award 🙂
If you want to pass it on to another blogger you can see how to do that by going to my page http://glitterglamourfun.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/i-just-won-another-award/
Love what you write.
-Nayantara
Cecelia Futch
June 26, 2012
Reblogged this on Inspired Vision and commented:
I happen to agree with the Good Greatsby.
Naomi Baltuck
June 26, 2012
It is embarrassing that such a wealthy country is cutting schools and denying healthcare to its ever-growing poor population. Rather than pay another penny in taxes, they wouldcut their pound of flesh from the backs of the sick and elderly. Thank you for addressing this.
becomingcliche
June 27, 2012
This might be your best (and saddest) post to date, which is saying a lot. This is a real gem. Not the cubic zirconium kind.
J. Randall Stewart
June 27, 2012
There is a great need for healthcare reform in this country, and not just a reform of who’s going to pay for it, and who’s going to get it. The real reform is in how much it should cost, and governments, somehow, only seem to make things even more expensive, not less. I’m no economist, but it seems the real reform iwould be getting all these extra fingers out of the system, and letting things cost what the market demands. Lower cost would mean more access for us poor people, taxing us to death to give a little back in the form of overburdened social programs just doesn’t seem to be a solution for anybody.
Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants
June 27, 2012
ughhhhh… I hope you guys get to the point where you can stop stitching up your own cuts. It’s sad.
brownponytail
June 27, 2012
Paul, your blog rocks!
I’m nominating it for the “very inspiring blogger” award!
here you go: http://brownponytail.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/very-inspiring-blogger-award/
WordsFallFromMyEyes
June 28, 2012
That b/w photo with this post – it’s scary, really scary. I would have felt utter fear in that position.
I’ve heard ill of America’s health care system. When I attempted my life, that my son was cared for and I was in hospital and it cost me nothing… I am so grateful. I am back on my feet now, you see, & continuing to serve society – out there working again.
I really hope for change with your healthcare system.
Cakes and Shakes...
June 29, 2012
LOL! I’m a health journalist by trade, but I suck at actual headline writing – I like yours 🙂
Patti Kuche
June 30, 2012
Looks like we go with rubbing the salt in to raw conniptions! Although the GOP had to go fast and furious and leave poor Eric Holding a smoking gun. Way to deflect . . . .