Even More from the Search Engine Oracle

Posted on June 11, 2012


I get a lot of variations of this question in my search terms:

is he secretly in love with me

Yes, he’s in love with you. But no, it’s not a secret. Everyone knows but you. He wanted to tell you but I convinced him to hold off in the hopes that you’d increase your efforts to win his affection by dressing better and doing something with your hair.

This query has probably caused me the most concern:

i think people who play practical jokes on others should be prepared for any eventuality

I don’t know if this was directed at me specifically or was just a general philosophical musing, but it sounded a lot like a threat. I can’t think of any one of my practical joke targets who could be bent on revenge except for those left unemployed as a result of that factory fire. Lesson learned: there’s nothing funny about unemployment.

Most of my practical jokes are harmless and incredibly practical. Recent highlights include sending the boys to school with two lunches, one of which was a fake lunch meant to annoy teachers. The Fonz attended a book club party and everyone was supposed to bring a treat and he brought a can of pinto beans. He walked into book club and announced, “I’m going to need a can opener and then these are gonna have to soak for an hour.”

Optimist Prime was given a dry box of macaroni and cheese, approached his mom in the library and asked, “Are students allowed to use the stove?”

And the only recent joke I’ve played on my wife was bringing her breakfast in bed a week before her birthday so she’d think I got the date wrong. And was anybody hurt by this joke? Not my wife who actually got breakfast in bed twice as a result so she wasn’t complaining.

If you know the answer to this next query, please resist the urge to leave your answer in the comments section:

sexual terms for someone with flatuance

This next search really bothered me:

Apology accepted

Just to be clear, I didn’t apologize. Announcing, “Apology accepted,” when the other party hasn’t apologized and hasn’t actually done anything wrong, is kind of my thing so don’t think I’m going to fall for that. I always keep a list in my pocket of people who owe me an apology and people who have sufficient grounds to demand my apology, and I assure you nobody has been struck from the list in recent months.

Does anyone know the answer to the next search?

where does the Queen keep all her hats

I like to imagine this query came from a butler on his first day working for the Queen.

This one has so many possible interpretations:

i would like to apologise goodgreatsby alienate

Did he/she want to apologize to the Good Greatsby, or alienate the Good Greatsby, or apologize for alienating the Good Greatsby in the future? Or am I meant to apologize for not noticing his/her elaborate attempts at alienation? I guess I’m just not as good as everyone else at noticing that kind of stuff and it sometimes makes me feel left out. Regardless, apology accepted.


You may enjoy other Search Engine Oracle posts:

The Search Engine Oracle Has Spoken


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Posted in: Columns