Making Ourselves at Home at Your Home

Posted on June 22, 2012


When my wife and I are invited into someone’s house and are greeted with the offer “Make yourself at home,” we consider this to be a broad legal cover for any of our bad behavior.

If I hit on my wife at home, and I’m making myself at home at your home, how can you be surprised when I hit on your wife?

If I use my kids as a footrest at home, and I’m making myself at home at your home, how can you be surprised when I use one of your kids as a footrest, another as a coat rack, and another as a drink coaster?

We’ve never heard this invitation to “Make ourselves at home” without immediately whispering a dare to each other. Some of these dares are as simple as turning on the TV during a party and telling everyone else “Shhhh,” and some take a little more guts like our Mount Everest of dares which is to ask to use the bathroom and actually take a shower and emerge in a bathrobe and towel.

Here’s a list of things we’ve done to make ourselves at home:

Added items to the grocery list on the refrigerator. Check.

Taken pictures with their camera. Check.

Rearranged framed pictures hanging on the wall. Check.

Rearranged clothing in a drawer. Check.

Commented on how new and unused all the books on their bookshelf appear to be. Check.

Hidden something we’ve broken. Check.

Laughed as we went through their DVD collection. Check. When we saw White Chicks, we knew there was no point in pursuing this friendship any further.

Here’s a list of dares we’ve given each other but have never had the guts to follow through with:

Take a shower.

Order food to be delivered during a dinner party.

Redecorate. Would the hosts be too polite to stop us if we started painting?

Yell through the walls “If you’re so tough, why don’t you come over here and make me turn down the music?”

Replace medication with candy.

Defrost the freezer.

Clean up. “I have a hard time relaxing with all this clutter.”

Drink straight from the milk carton, make a face, then pour the rest of the milk down the sink.

Any other suggestions for our list of dares?

Posted in: Columns