When my wife and I are invited into someone’s house and are greeted with the offer “Make yourself at home,” we consider this to be a broad legal cover for any of our bad behavior.
If I hit on my wife at home, and I’m making myself at home at your home, how can you be surprised when I hit on your wife?
If I use my kids as a footrest at home, and I’m making myself at home at your home, how can you be surprised when I use one of your kids as a footrest, another as a coat rack, and another as a drink coaster?
We’ve never heard this invitation to “Make ourselves at home” without immediately whispering a dare to each other. Some of these dares are as simple as turning on the TV during a party and telling everyone else “Shhhh,” and some take a little more guts like our Mount Everest of dares which is to ask to use the bathroom and actually take a shower and emerge in a bathrobe and towel.
Here’s a list of things we’ve done to make ourselves at home:
Added items to the grocery list on the refrigerator. Check.
Taken pictures with their camera. Check.
Rearranged framed pictures hanging on the wall. Check.
Rearranged clothing in a drawer. Check.
Commented on how new and unused all the books on their bookshelf appear to be. Check.
Hidden something we’ve broken. Check.
Laughed as we went through their DVD collection. Check. When we saw White Chicks, we knew there was no point in pursuing this friendship any further.
Here’s a list of dares we’ve given each other but have never had the guts to follow through with:
Take a shower.
Order food to be delivered during a dinner party.
Redecorate. Would the hosts be too polite to stop us if we started painting?
Yell through the walls “If you’re so tough, why don’t you come over here and make me turn down the music?”
Replace medication with candy.
Defrost the freezer.
Clean up. “I have a hard time relaxing with all this clutter.”
Drink straight from the milk carton, make a face, then pour the rest of the milk down the sink.
Any other suggestions for our list of dares?
The Good Greatsby 
little blog of happy
June 22, 2012
I think it would be fun if you disappeared for a few minutes and came down wearing something from your host’s closet. Or maybe something from his wife’s closet. Then you could always ask them to drop your clothes off at the dry cleaners next time they’re out. Then you could go cut the lawn.
I did have a guest ask to use the bathroom and then have a shower. But they had mental health issues and were having an episode. You have to allow for stuff like that.
I’m glad you’ve rearranged people’s pictures. I always want to do that. They’re usually too high. (The pictures, not the guests. Although not always.)
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2012
My wife has actually switched photos into different frames. The host discovered it and actually got really annoyed. When he asked who had done it, we both looked around expectantly like we were waiting for someone else to confess.
bearmancartoons
June 24, 2012
I have done that. Actually anytime I give a frame for a wedding etc gift, I always replace the picture that comes with it with my own.
Ricky Anderson
June 22, 2012
Give your baby a bath in their kitchen sink. Ask if they have a rubber ducky.
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2012
If only I had a baby. I have considered bringing someone else’s baby to a party.
susielindau
June 22, 2012
I have had people start cleaning up and it is unnerving. I decided the next time they start (obviously in a hurry to go home and watch SNL), I will hand them a toilet brush!
The Good Greatsby
June 22, 2012
People always feel like they should help clean up as a party winds down but we would actually prefer to go to bed and tackle the dishes in the morning.
qwinkly3
June 26, 2012
So go to bed. And let them finish cleaning up !
prttynpnk
June 22, 2012
Move furniture from room to room- ask if they have those little coasters to make things slide better while you move them.
Set up a telescope in their front window and spy on the neighbors while taking notes – extra points if you bother wear lab jackets.
Wander the room with a metal detector or take samples of random surfaces with those long CSI q-tips and put them in labelled babbies in an igloo cooler .
The World Is My Cuttlefish
June 22, 2012
Call your friends and invite them over for a drink.
Vanessa Chapman
June 22, 2012
Damn it, I wish I could think of one!
Terrant
June 22, 2012
Turn the lights off when you leave the room.
Surf the web on their computer. If you’re brave go some of the seedier sites. 😈
Change their kid’s clothes to something more pleasing to you.
Paige Kellerman
June 22, 2012
Personally, when people tell me to make myself at home, I usually go get on their computer and blog in my underwear. I like to complain about the speed of their internet and why they’re out of Pop Tarts.
skippingstones
June 23, 2012
Haha!
List of X
June 23, 2012
Get a dog
rosyfingereddawn
June 23, 2012
Discretely refinish the floors in a darker, walnut-type color because golden oak clashes with your slacks. Replace frivolously bright light bulbs with the more flattering 60w variety, so you look good. Hand out pamphlets with information on the cult you just joined.
skippingstones
June 23, 2012
I love that last one! I wish I was brave enough to do even one of the ones you’ve actually done. I don’t even take my shoes off unless they make me. (Then they’re sorry!)
cooper
June 23, 2012
Replace light fixtures with blacklight bulbs.
Have their children detail your car.
Install ball gag and swing in the living room.
Hold an open house where everything is for sale.
Hippie Cahier
June 23, 2012
Mow the lawn.
mimijk
June 23, 2012
Take a nap.
crazywritermsc
June 26, 2012
That’s what I do sometimes!!! …. when I was 10
Thomas Stazyk
June 23, 2012
Reset all the options on their TV system.
on thehomefrontandbeyond
June 23, 2012
you guys have taken the “look in the medicine cabinet” to a whole new level – love it – but if I ever invite you to my house, I will know what phrase not to use
becomingcliche
June 23, 2012
Replace the candy with medication. Laxatives are always a hit, I don’t care who you are.
Honestly, though, when they asked you to make yourselves at home, they were really insinuating that you should take out the garbage.
Elyse
June 23, 2012
That’s exactly what I want folks to do when they are making themselves at home!
Michelle Gillies
June 23, 2012
Set their PVR to record to record every episode of Garage Wars at every time on every station.
Elyse
June 23, 2012
Pay to educate the children of the house.
qwinkly3
June 26, 2012
Yeah, they hate that one.
Ruchika
June 24, 2012
“Heyy! Come on in, make yourself at home!” That’s it. Kick off your shoes, don’t mind if it goes flying, jump on the couch, and turn on the TV to the season episode you are missing for this ‘get-together’ and tell everyone to “Get lost or shut up!” OR Go direct to the fridge, take out the ice-cream and the best of the meal for the dinner, loosen up your shirt and then go to the TV, OR IF YOU MUST say, “Ohh that’s so open of you! I would never want guests to go sleep with MY wife!” and let them deal with the embarrassment. (Btw, yet another great post! Kudos!)
artjen1971
June 24, 2012
Sort of glad you live in Shanghai….
How about pay the bills or mow the lawn…oh…oops…this was supposed to be fun for you, not the host of the party.
Love & Lunchmeat
June 25, 2012
If you’ve rearranged the photos, then technically you HAVE redecorated the house. I don’t know how you manage to keep a straight face when asked though.
Replace one legitimate video with the nastiest porn you can find. Then act like you really want to see the legitimate video and shocked when you open the case. “Oh, it’s that kind of house.” Then remove your shoes and socks and sit down. Smile, and motion for your wife to do the same. (If the two of you can actually do this without giggling, you will be my heroes.)
Diana Lark
June 25, 2012
Sit down on the couch with your wife. Make sure that at least three other people are in the room, including the host. Start making out like teenagers in the back of a movie theater.
qwinkly3
June 26, 2012
Better yet, sweep everything off the dinner table and attack the wife up there.
musingsoftheamusingmuse
June 25, 2012
I have actually cleaned a friends house while helping them set up for an annual party… after 10 years of attending the party, I decided that I wanted to use a clean bathroom, and I was guessing that the guests did, too.
crazywritermsc
June 26, 2012
Go straight to the host’s room, fall down on the bed, kick off you shoes and take a nap until they call you for supper (I know, I’m a teenager 🙂 )
OR go to their room, take out all their clothes, and redress yourself in them (leaving the rest everywhere of course). But first make a quick stop in the bathroom to shave.
qwinkly3
June 26, 2012
Make sure there’s whiskers left all over the sink, of course.
crazywritermsc
June 27, 2012
Wipe the rest of the soap with the towel, bruch your teeth…
dmheli
June 28, 2012
Reblogged this on Yellow and Wine and commented:
This is officially my favorite humor blog. 🙂
potatoedemon
July 13, 2012
Take their credit cards and car and have a night out on the town.