A serpent-handling pastor in West Virginia was bitten and killed by one of those very serpents he handled. To make the story even more comically tragic, this pastor had watched years earlier as his pastor father was bitten and killed by a snake.
There’s a certain poetic symmetry in dying in the same manner as your dad, although the effect is somewhat devalued if you died while being an idiot. My dad and I could never die in the same manner because I already have my death planned as the first person to ever die from overdosing on compliments.
Serpent-handlers take their cue from a verse in the bible saying the faithful will take up serpents and not be hurt. When will these pastors learn that if they would only look outside their narrow religious perspective, they might consider the possibility that in the serpent religion it might be a test of faith to bite and kill a crazy preacher.
The article I read failed to report the serpent’s side of things or possible motives for the bite, but my guess was that this serpent did not feel comfortable with the way he was being handled.
I know the serpent community is getting a lot of bad press right now, and I’d like to call for restraint and remind people that one bad serpent does not give us an excuse to discriminate against other serpents. I actually feel pretty bad for this snake because finding work in the serpent-handling industry can be fairly competitive, and killing a pastor is a real black mark on the resume.
I wonder why the pastor would continue handling snakes after his father was killed by a snake. Maybe he had father issues and felt driven to compete with his dad, and in a way he won because his dad only lived to 39 and he made it to the ripe old age of 44.
I don’t want to offend any readers belonging to the serpent-handling religion, but I’m not a big fan of any belief system that puts me in constant contact with snakes. In fact, I’d be most likely to join a religious group that preached avoidance of snakes at all times and actually promised that instead of attracting snakes through my faith, I could repel them.
The Good Greatsby 
Val
June 1, 2012
Maybe his dad was a mongoose.
J. Randall Stewart
June 1, 2012
Funny. Not a very good mongoose, since the snake won.
Tor Constantino, MBA (@torcon)
June 1, 2012
I’m waiting for the sect that injects the Wii Sports Resort’s Speed Slice Swordplay into worship under the literal description of the Bible as “…sharper than any two-edged sword…rightly dividing the word of truth…”
J. Randall Stewart
June 1, 2012
I laughed, a lot. Thanks for the humor. I know this verse in the bible. Mark 16:17-18
17 And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; 18 they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.”
The first thing that can be said of this verse, is that it is not found in the oldest manuscripts of Mark, which makes it suspect from the get-go. It also talks about a lot more than just handling snakes. Further, it never commands the reader to actively pursue or pick up snakes; it simply states that if one does, they will not be harmed.
A wholelistic approach to the Bible considers more than just a literal understanding of every verse. Christ spoke in metaphor all the time. Is this passage really saying we should pick up snakes and drink poison, or is it saying that by faith we can have great confidence to know that despite desperate and dangerous situations, God has the ability to save and heal.
Just some random thoughts.
PS: I avoid snakes at all cost as well, and drinking poison too.
prttynpnk
June 1, 2012
Lets be honest- those services can run really long- the snake just wanted to get to the red Lobster before all the good seats were taken, an idea most religions can agree on.
k8edid
June 1, 2012
{{{Shudder}}} I was informed that a 3 1/2 to 4 foot rattlesnake was seen in our neighborhood this past weekend. I haven’t slept since then…zzzzzzzz Oh, Um, sorry. If you find that church that preaches avoidance of all snakes – I’ll join, too.
benzeknees
June 5, 2012
I’ll join the church which avoids serpents, the Idiot can vouch for me!
jacquetj
June 1, 2012
I think the snake-free religion you’re looking for is Catholicism. We celebrate St. Patrick because he sent all of the snakes out of Ireland. I’m not sure why we celebrate this with beer, but i’m not complaining.
qwinkly3
June 2, 2012
The beer is to dull the embarrassment over the fact that the guy was British and not Irish.
Spectra
June 3, 2012
Probably snakes don’t like beer. Just a guess.
Awesome post, Paul. I love it when you take risks. Seeing the situation from the snakes perspective is important. I’m donating my snakeskin shoes to Catholic charities now.
DiatribesAndOvations.com
June 1, 2012
Awesome post. The preacher and his clan had to SNEAK into the forest preserve to play with the deadly snake. They were breaking a law when the bite occurred.
thoughtsappear
June 1, 2012
“…this serpent did not feel comfortable with the way he was being handled.”—Bad touch, bad touch!
pegoleg
June 1, 2012
Looks like the snake just wanted to get closer to the microphone. Maybe the problem was the pastor never let the SERPENT speak and he figured it was his turn.
susielindau
June 1, 2012
I love snakes and have no problem handling them as long as they are the very long bull snake variety. I have been known to move them from one yard to open space, but I know they don’t bite they just swallow their prey. Not big on anything with teeth!
The Byronic Man
June 1, 2012
It may have been a poor choice to go with his “The truly righteous can spray themselves in mouse pheromone, repeatedly flick a snake on the nose and say ‘stupid snake! stupid snake!'” sermon.
JM Randolph
June 1, 2012
Clearly, that serpent needed an adult.
bearmancartoons
June 1, 2012
How many compliments are required to kill you?
The Hipster
June 1, 2012
I find myself torn between wanting to compliment your insightful commentary and not wanting to hasten your planned demise. What to do. . .what to do….?
Laura
June 2, 2012
It’s possible that leaving a series of compliments spread out over time will help him build an immunity to them.
qwinkly3
June 2, 2012
I think he’s going to live a long, long time.
Jackie Cangro
June 2, 2012
Maybe the serpent should start his own Twitter feed. I think @snakeofeden is available.
Soma Mukherjee
June 2, 2012
Hey i belong to the serpent-handling religion and i must tell you its no laughing matter,the snake was just doing its job and the pastor is now in heaven enjoying all the goodies
praise the serpent lord
Kathryn McCullough
June 2, 2012
Gosh, I read about this. How freaky!
Elyse
June 2, 2012
Sometimes my own stupidity has a way of biting me. Of course, not fatally. What a dope.
thesinglecell
June 2, 2012
The joys of literal biblical reading. “For my next trick, I shall gather male and female of all the creatures are the Earth and make them sit in a boat I built out of wood.”
clemarchives
June 2, 2012
This is why when completing my druidic rituals I only ever handle cooked bacon
Thomas Stazyk
June 2, 2012
Caption for the picture at the top: “Ouch!”
yellowcat
June 2, 2012
Obviously God was not on the preacher’s side. Imagine the gossip at his funeral. I wonder if the mortician could wipe the embarrassment off the guy’s face.
artjen1971
June 2, 2012
Frickin’ media–always needing to subtly or not so subtly put their slant on the issues–you’re right it would have been more responsible if they had allowed both the preacher’s AND the serpent’s side of the story to be told–then we could draw our own conclusions and opinions on the practices of snake handling as a demonstration of faith! Jeez…(I mean Jebus…)
WSW
June 2, 2012
I’ve always preferred the speaking-in-tongues religions. So much more interesting, especially if you can cadge an invite to one of their special St Vitus Dances.
Curly Carly
June 2, 2012
I get that this guy wanted to stay true to his beliefs and all, but I have a hard time understanding why they have to handle snakes that can kill them. I think a simple garden snake would do. Maybe their church building is too small and this is their way of keeping the church population down.
omawarisan
June 2, 2012
The serpent didn’t like the way he was being handled… No serpent should be touched anywhere their bathing suit covers.
qwinkly3
June 2, 2012
Trying to figure out what a snake bikini looks like. With all that slithering forward business, and boobless, how does she keep the top up?
omawarisan
June 2, 2012
There’s a lot of elastic involved, I think.
Angie Z.
June 2, 2012
That is sad but brilliant.
Angie Z.
June 2, 2012
Why snake handling anyway? Why not knife juggling? As a kid, I was so bored in church that I’d spend the sermon playing hangman on the offering envelopes. A knife juggling preacher would’ve really gotten through to me.
Lenore Diane
June 2, 2012
I played dots on the offering envelope. You know the game, right? You make a square using dots, and then you try to make as many squares by joining one dot to another at a time. (I don’t write game instructions, so don’t get mad if that doesn’t make sense.)
Anyway. I played dots. By myself. And still lost.
Angie Z.
June 2, 2012
I think I know what I’ll be doing at church tomorrow…
mistyslaws
June 2, 2012
He just didn’t BELIEVE enough. I think instead of a true believer, he was actually a Belieber. I would have bitten him, too.
List of X
June 2, 2012
I think just one more “like” won’t kill you… But you never know, those things can add up.
1pointperspective
June 2, 2012
You’re on target with the difficulty serpents have with finding employment, and things certainly haven’t improved since the primary is pretty well wrapped up.
Tar-Buns
June 2, 2012
Ha ha! That speaks to all the politicians in this fun election year!
1pointperspective
June 2, 2012
True dat! I’m amazed with all those comments that no one beat me to it.
Carl D'Agostino
June 2, 2012
Dis ain’t nuttin. Lemme tell ya about the elephant worshipers ……
philosophermouseofthehedge
June 3, 2012
I had been sitting on my hands with this one – glad you wrote it up.
Carolyn Winter, Holographic Coach
June 3, 2012
Sounds to me like he was being loyal to his father by living the same fate.
Ape No. 1
June 3, 2012
Haha! I love the idea that the snakes also had a religion with tests of faith. Snakes on a celestial plane some might say.
Michelle Gillies
June 3, 2012
These guys and Lord Voldemort give snakes around the world a bad name.
frigginloon
June 4, 2012
I heard the preacher bit the snakes first. That’s what the vipers are saying!!!!
spilledinkguy
June 4, 2012
I thought we had finally taken care of this when all those snakes were loaded onto a plane…
Luda Kristen
June 6, 2012
I think someone way back in the day started preaching that people need to repent, and some dumbass confused the words ‘repent’ and ‘serpent’ and that’s how all of this hoopla got started.
singingmyway
June 9, 2012
As I was born in West Virginia and have the sickening patriotism most of us Americans have balanced with a pretty well developed sense of self preservation…. I slowly fade out of conversations when snake handling is brought up…
just like this…… 😛
nyparrot
June 11, 2012
One unfaithful snake! Wait – two unfaithful snakes… Or were those Atheists? lol
littlerhody
June 16, 2012
I just finished “The Little Friend” last night and there was some snake handling pastors in that book (takes place in Mississippi) …..gives me the shivers…. ! Loved the posting…
Nidhi Shrivastava
June 18, 2012
Awesome post. Finally the snake won..