My Son, the Model Student

Last week my wife filled out a form for our kids’ applications to a new international school they’ll attend in the fall. I was eager to help and filled out a page for our eight-year-old son, The Fonz. When my wife saw my answers she took the rest of the packet away from me.

1. Has the student ever repeated a grade or skipped a grade in school?

Yes, but not on purpose. His poor sense of direction results in him attending a different grade level most every day. Teachers are afraid to walk him to the correct class because he bites if you get too close.

2. Has the student ever been suspended, withdrawn, or dismissed from school?

No. Never. Unless you happen to know any of the administration at his last school. If you do know any of them, please let me know and I’ll tell you our side of the story.

3. Does your child have any unusual talents?

He can do magic. Do NOT ask him to demonstrate.

4. What are your child’s greatest strengths?

Probably his quadriceps. I once saw him kick a hobo unconscious. He’ll kick a man when he’s down, when he’s up, when he’s sleeping, when he’s eating, and especially when he’s begging not to be kicked anymore.

5. What does your child find most difficult educationally or personally?

He struggles with any method of teaching that takes for granted the philosophical existence of uninstantiated universals. Like Plato, he’s willing to accept the possibility there is no particular good in existence, but ‘good’ as a concept is still a proper universal form. But he concedes Aristotle made some substantive points for all universals being instantiated. If his teacher forces him to take a strong stance endorsing either school of thought, he’s likely to become cranky.

Also his penmanship could be better.