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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Pearls of Wisdom…As Far as I Can Remember…Probably…Don’t Quote Me on That
Adults never know when they might make the difference in the life of a child. A kind word or timely advice can lay a foundation of character that lasts a lifetime. As a child I remember someone saying—and I can’t remember who it was for sure—either a boy scout leader or maybe a soccer coach, […]
Posted in: Short-Sleeve Stories
Caption Contest: MattJ Awarded Can-do Attitude! Who Can Can-don’t His Can-do?
April 3, 2011
MattJ has done it again, securing the rights to the title Captain Caption for another week! MattJ has also been awarded a ‘can-do’ attitude. Your confidence will be felt by others, including oncoming traffic, allowing you to make left-hand turns at any place and any time. No matter how fast those cars seem to be […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
Pointing the Finger of Blame
April 2, 2011
After years and years of therapy I remember the day I made my big breakthrough. I had prepared a slideshow so I could point out to Dr. Thomas all the people who had held me back in life or wronged me in some way. In the middle of slide #47, ‘Little League Coaches, Scoutmasters, Librarians, […]
Posted in: Short-Sleeve Stories
Practical Jokes that Go too Far
April 1, 2011
April Fools Day! The one day of the year set aside for pranks and practical jokes. The one day of the year I set aside to remind myself never to play a practical joke again. I used to come up with the best ideas for practical jokes. I’d work so hard to develop an elaborate […]
Posted in: Columns
How to Manipulate People into Throwing You a Party
March 31, 2011
You deserve recognition! You deserve to be celebrated! But when was the last time someone threw you a party? How long have you been waiting for someone to suggest an epic gala celebrating your humanity, good looks, and intelligence? Or if those attributes are not possessed by you in proportions worthy of a giant party, […]
Posted in: Advice
Elect Your Caption King or Queen!
March 30, 2011
Thank you for your outstanding submissions. I hate excluding anyone and I considered narrowing the captions down to thirty-five instead of five, but I realized thirty-five wouldn’t meet the strictest definition of ‘narrowing down’ since I received exactly thirty-five submissions. If you feel your submission was more deserving than any of these five, please remind […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
Give the Ball to Rocket Arm!
March 29, 2011
“Son, I’ve got a surprise. We both know I didn’t make it to any of your Little League baseball games last year, but I’m going to make it up to you by volunteering as your coach this season.” “That’s great, Dad!” “I just returned from meeting with the other coaches, and I’m really excited about […]
Posted in: Short-Sleeve Stories
Breaking News Fixed: Russian President Medvedev Debuts Sultry-Look-Diplomacy
March 28, 2011
Once again I bring you the news headlines I would have preferred to see attached to the following pictures: 1. Russian President Medvedev Demands UN Halt Libya Military Action; Recommends Shift in Strategy to Sultry-Look-Diplomacy 2. Political Retirement Rumors Gain Steam as Medvedev Submits Headshot to Russian Version of The Mentalist 3. Controversy Erupts as […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Congratulations Captain Caption MattJ! Who Can Topple Him from His Caption Throne?
March 27, 2011
The votes have been tallied and the winner is: Congratulations to MattJ who has been awarded the honorary title of Captain Caption for the next week. MattJ is also a two consecutive weeks winner and has converted his ‘moderate’ lucky feeling into an ‘on-a-roll’ feeling. If he wins a third consecutive week, he will be […]
Posted in: Caption Contest
This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us
March 26, 2011
This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us The grizzled cowboy ambled out through the saloon doors, squinting against the high noon sun as he tipped his chin to acknowledge the square-jawed lawman framed in the center of the dusty street. They sized each other up as the cowboy strode to the center […]
Posted in: Short-Sleeve Stories
How the Song Friday Won Me Over
March 25, 2011
I don’t care what people say–I like the song Friday by Rebecca Black. If you haven’t heard of Friday, you’re missing a viral sensation celebrated for its poor production values, robotic vocals, and travelogue lyrics that could have been lifted from court transcripts recording a witness’ schedule on the day of a murder: ‘I ate […]
Posted in: Columns
How to Teach Your Kids to Sound Smart (Especially If They’re Not)–Part 2
March 24, 2011
If you haven’t read How to Make Your Kids Sound Smart Part 1, make sure you do so here, so you’ll know what all the other moms were talking about at last week’s group therapy. For those who did read Part 1, did you practice tips #1 and #2 with your ‘fork-misses-mouth’ smart child? Remember, […]
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