The ransom note was a masterpiece requiring ten hours of concentration as I meticulously cut letters from old magazines–stolen from the servants quarters’ trash and covered with the servants’ fingerprints–and glued the letters on a sheet of official police stationery I had stolen to make the targets less likely to go to the police. The […]
April 9, 2011
The Mickelsons are the worst neighbors ever! They’re so noisy I can’t get any sleep! I very politely asked them to keep down the noise. But if anything, they started talking louder, even shouting! Again, I asked them to show some decency and lower their voices so I could get some sleep. Then they had […]
April 4, 2011
Adults never know when they might make the difference in the life of a child. A kind word or timely advice can lay a foundation of character that lasts a lifetime. As a child I remember someone saying—and I can’t remember who it was for sure—either a boy scout leader or maybe a soccer coach, […]
April 2, 2011
After years and years of therapy I remember the day I made my big breakthrough. I had prepared a slideshow so I could point out to Dr. Thomas all the people who had held me back in life or wronged me in some way. In the middle of slide #47, ‘Little League Coaches, Scoutmasters, Librarians, […]
March 29, 2011
“Son, I’ve got a surprise. We both know I didn’t make it to any of your Little League baseball games last year, but I’m going to make it up to you by volunteering as your coach this season.” “That’s great, Dad!” “I just returned from meeting with the other coaches, and I’m really excited about […]
March 26, 2011
This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us The grizzled cowboy ambled out through the saloon doors, squinting against the high noon sun as he tipped his chin to acknowledge the square-jawed lawman framed in the center of the dusty street. They sized each other up as the cowboy strode to the center […]
March 3, 2011
Whenever we attend a family get-together and somebody says they have good news to share, my wife and I shout out, “We’re getting a divorce!” The rest of the evening is spent trying to talk us out of it and always ends with us agreeing to maybe give it one more chance. On the way […]
February 28, 2011
Someday I’ll have my revenge. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But maybe two days from now at 9:15. You may be wondering AM or PM? I’m not saying, so you’ll have to sweat it out. Although I’ll give you one hint: It will be after American Idol. After I watch American Idol and walk […]
February 25, 2011
My wife asked me to shave my beard because she claimed to have sensitive skin. I reminded her of the words of Dr. Martin Luther King: “He who has sensitive skin is also sensitive about his neighbor’s skin.” She replied that Martin Luther King couldn’t have said this, so she went to look it up […]
February 22, 2011
I had a tough childhood, mostly because my dad wasn’t around much. Oftentimes we wouldn’t see him until five or six o’clock in the evenings. And all day on Saturdays. Also, all day Sundays. And he was a teacher at our school, so we ate lunch with him at school, and he had the summers […]
The Good Greatsby
May 1, 2011
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