Give the Ball to Rocket Arm!

Posted on March 29, 2011


“Son, I’ve got a surprise. We both know I didn’t make it to any of your Little League baseball games last year, but I’m going to make it up to you by volunteering as your coach this season.”

“That’s great, Dad!”

“I just returned from meeting with the other coaches, and I’m really excited about the team I selected. I was able to get every single player I wanted.”

“But you didn’t go to a single game last year. How did you know which kids were good?”

“Son, when somebody says, ‘Who wants ‘Rocket Arm’ Anderson?’ you shout, ‘I do!’ When a kid has the nickname Rocket Arm, it’s not rocket science that he’s a pretty good player.”

“You picked ‘Rocket Arm’ Anderson? Who else did you choose?”

“Every kid with a great nickname: Todd ‘The Slugger’ Simpson, Charles ‘Golden Glove’ Gibson, Jimmy ‘Mr. October’ Oveson–”

“Dad, those are all the worst players!”

“What?  But why would they call him ‘Rocket Arm’ Anderson if he’s not a great pitcher?”

“Because he missed half of last season when he super-glued his arm to a model rocket he was building during the game!”

“And Todd ‘The Slugger’ Simpson?”

“He collects slugs and refuses to chase fly balls because he’s afraid he might step on one!”

“Come on! What about Charles ‘Golden Glove’ Gibson?”

“He decorated his glove with gold glitter, and don’t call him Charles because he writes it Chaz with a sequined Z.”

“What about Jimmy ‘Mr. October’ Oveson?”

“Every October he has a re-occurrence of polio and has to have his leg braces re-fitted!”

“What about Bobby ‘The Babe’ Brown? Doesn’t he hit like The Babe?”

“No, he drools like a babe because he’s literally a baby! His dad is the league commissioner and insists his son’s a baseball prodigy and should be playing with the older kids.”

“What about Sammy ‘The Sultan of Swat’ Smith?”

“The kid never showers and can’t pay attention to the game because he has to swat flies away!”

“’Home Run’ Robinson?”

“He always gets confused after third base and runs straight into the opposing dugout instead of turning the corner and running home!”

“And ‘Hammerin’’ Hal Harris?”

“He lost both hands in an accident, and since his family couldn’t afford prosthetic hands he wears two hammers! Terrible baseball player, but you should see his tree house.”

“But they can’t all be bad! What about Steve ‘The Speedster’ Samuelson?”

“He’s speedier at striking out than any kid in the league! He once struck out on two pitches! Are you telling me you didn’t get even one star on our team? What about ‘Swing-and-a-Miss’ Thompson, or ‘Easy Out’ Edwards, or Scotty ‘Throws Like His Sister’ Stanhouse?”

“How could those kids be stars? Why would they call him ‘Swing-and-a-Miss’ Thompson?”

“Because we’ll miss his great swing when he goes on to the next age group!”

“And ‘Easy Out’?”

“It’s short for Easily the Most Outstanding!”

“But what about Scotty ‘Throws Like His Sister’ Stanhouse?

“His sister won a softball championship with UCLA. Throwing like Scotty’s sister is a great compliment!”

“But my whole team came so highly recommended by my talent scout assistant coach the league assigned me.  He saw all these kids play last year, and he confirmed all my selections.”

“Who’s your assistant coach?”

“‘David ‘Talent Scout’ Ryan.”

“Dad, they don’t call him the Talent Scout as a nickname.  You must have read Talent Scout on his business card.  He’s literally a talent scout for the Julliard School of Music. He knows nothing about baseball.”

“This is why I don’t like spending time with you.”

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