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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Scenes from the Shanghai Painters’ Market
Last week I visited the Shanghai Painters’ Market, a location I used to frequent every few months during my first few years in China, but I had to scale back after every inch of our walls had been covered with paintings. We should have moved to a larger home with more wall space for more […]
Posted in: China
This Guy’s in Love
February 26, 2012
I’m always looking for inspiration before I start writing and I find it extremely helpful to have a selection of verse printed right on the cover of all the notebooks I buy here in Shanghai. I carry the notebook below around with me throughout the day and read the message across the front cover every […]
Posted in: Chinglish
The Gift is in the Mail
February 25, 2012
I’ve traveled all over China and I keep seeing the same placards to signify Men’s Restroom: And Women’s Restroom: But aren’t these two signs just a little bit sexist? Can’t a women smoke a pipe? And can’t a man use a high-heeled shoe to break open a coconut? ….. Only one day left to submit […]
Posted in: Columns
Cop Steals Pudding; Taken into Custardy
February 24, 2012
Police in Houston arrested one of its own after a cop was repeatedly filmed stealing food and drinks from the break room refrigerator. Local media love a story about a crooked cop and they’ve probably jumped all over this story with the following sensational headlines: Cop Steals Pudding; Taken into Custardy Officer in Pickle After […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
My Trophy Room
February 23, 2012
All my life I’ve suspected I wasn’t receiving as many awards as I deserved. But if you bring that oversight to anyone’s attention, they automatically place a mental check next to your name for being the type of person who desires awards and is therefore the type of person who is undeserving of awards. The […]
Posted in: Trophy Room
The Good Greatsby’s One Year Blogaversary Spectacular
February 22, 2012
If you liked The Good Greatsby this past year, you should know I was barely even trying. If you didn’t like The Good Greatsby this past year, you should know I was barely even trying. If you’re not a good judge of quality and can’t tell whether The Good Greatsby is good or bad, but […]
Posted in: Columns
Things I Can’t Buy One Day After Telling My Wife We Can’t Afford Braces for the Kids
February 21, 2012
The worst thing is when I tell my wife we can’t afford to get the kids braces, and then the very next day I see a deal on something I’ve always wanted and she gives me a dirty look when I come home with any of the following: A walk-in humidor. Braces for my mistress’ […]
Posted in: Columns
Letting the Cast Out of the Bag
February 20, 2012
Over dinner, our family occasionally picks an idiomatic saying that we plan to start mispronouncing in hopes the altered version will catch on until it some day finds its way back to us. This past week, instead of saying, “let the cat out of the bag,” which means to disclose confidential information, all four of […]
Posted in: Columns
Inspirational Shovegiving: it’s push but nuthin’s given
February 19, 2012
While scouring Shanghai for ironic gifts for Mrs. Greatsby’s birthday, I was fortunate enough to come across some Chinglish poetry in a stationery store. Chinese notebooks often have an inspirational or poetic message in English on the cover, and they usually make no sense, causing me to wonder what artistic influence the reading of these […]
Posted in: Chinglish
Cutting the Cheese is a Cinnamon for Passing Gas
February 18, 2012
A Sentence Parsing: How can children seem so very smart and so very not smart at the same time? I’ve developed an elaborate system for quantifying my children’s statements to determine whether I should be worried or not. I applied this system to the following: At the dinner table Optimist Prime asked Mrs. Greatsby to […]
Posted in: Columns
Pop Some Champagne for My New Domain
February 17, 2012
In celebration of my one year blogaversary, WordPress wanted to get me a little special something and offered to give me a free domain name if I gave them a little something special in the form of money to renew and update my WordPress features. After searching GoDaddy.com for BradPitt.com, Brangelina.com, and CambodianBoyAngelinaAdopted.com (in case […]
Posted in: Columns
If Nobody is Going to Throw Me a Party, I Guess I’ll Have to Throw One
February 16, 2012
My wife and I always bring each other breakfast in bed on our respective birthdays. Her birthday is tomorrow, but I brought her breakfast in bed a week ago to make her think I’d gotten the date wrong. It was probably the first time in a year that I’d successfully played any joke on her […]
Posted in: Columns
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February 27, 2012
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