My Trophy Room

All my life I’ve suspected I wasn’t receiving as many awards as I deserved.

But if you bring that oversight to anyone’s attention, they automatically place a mental check next to your name for  being the type of person who desires awards and is therefore the type of person who is undeserving of awards.

The procession of participation trophies and medals seemed to end with adolescence, and it’s probably been twenty years since anyone gave me a trophy. I’ve received the occasional certificate or plaque, but you would not believe how rare it is for someone to buy you a drink when you bring your certificate to a bar versus bringing a giant trophy.

But here’s a lesson I recently learned: there’s no international body overseeing the purchase of trophies. Anyone can buy a trophy. Maybe you were thinking of giving me one, but you assumed you didn’t have the legal right to purchase a trophy without a permit, and because I figured this might be the case, I went ahead and commissioned a giant ‘For General Excellence’ trophy that now sits on my desk to inspire me as I write.

Now that I’ve won a ‘For General Excellence’ trophy, I’ve been inspired to seek out other awards, both deserved and disputably deserved.

I’d also like greater recognition for the awards I’ve already received; I’ve started by sending the following email to my first elementary school:

I’ll keep you updated on the results.

I’ll be documenting my awards and quest for trophies in the My Trophy Room page. I’ll also be adding the blogging awards that readers have given me over the past year.

If any reader is a mayor, or is blackmailing a mayor, I would love to have a key to a city (not Miami). If you are aware of any city that might be willing to give me a key (the key should literally open every door in the city), I’m willing to pay the cost, shipping, and provide a generous review of that city’s character and industry.