The worst thing is when I tell my wife we can’t afford to get the kids braces, and then the very next day I see a deal on something I’ve always wanted and she gives me a dirty look when I come home with any of the following:
A walk-in humidor.
Braces for my mistress’ children.
A walk-in humidor for my mistress’ children.
A backpack humidor.
Braces for my mistress’ dog.
A maid to clean my walk-in humidor.
A solid gold cubby hole to store my backpack humidor.
Special caviar toothpaste for treatment of cigar-yellowed teeth.
A solid gold bidet for disposing of the cigar butts from my walk-in humidor.
A capuchin monkey trained to protect my walk-in humidor.
Braces for my capuchin monkey.
A pointy stick to help my capuchin monkey keep my wife away when she tries to sell my walk-in humidor.
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The Good Greatsby 
melissakoski
February 21, 2012
We recently had no money for running shoes for me, but the kids came home with a new sets of golf clubs. At least it was a full two days later. Selective poverty can be pretty murky.
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
He knew if you had new running shoes, you’d be better equipped to chase after him when he bought the kids golf clubs.
thegnukid
February 21, 2012
if it helps, she is being totally unreasonable. maybe that’s why i’m single again. hmmm….
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
That does help a little.
Ron Stempkowski
February 21, 2012
More mistresses?
ichoosehappynow
February 21, 2012
Beware of the capuchin monkey. I had a friend who had one. The older they get, the crazier. My friend was bitten badly on the nose with it! Can you imagine if the monkey had braces too?
Thanks for sharing!
Cheers,
Louise
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
Are capuchin monkeys seriously dangerous? I’ve tried to order one before, not as a pet but as a kitchen helper.
becomingcliche
February 21, 2012
Your wife is clearly being stubborn and unreasonable. How can the dog win at the big shows without orthodontia? It’s a rhetorical question. Take my word for it. People are WAY more impressed with a gorgeous dog than they are with your kids.
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
It’s true nobody ever tries to play fetch with my kids.
Snoring Dog Studio
February 21, 2012
I heard, from reliable sources, that your wife is purchasing a pointy stick to take care of that mistress.
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
The money for that pointy stick better not come out of my cigar budget.
Michael
February 21, 2012
And I imagine the maid’ll need braces too….
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
If it’s not one thing, it’s another.
bearmancartoons
February 21, 2012
If your kids teeth look as bad as the monkeys…pony up the cash
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
But if their teeth looked as bad as that monkey’s, at least they’d be able to find security work.
davidrothbauer
February 21, 2012
Your wife is obviously not seeing the benefits of a walk-in humidor.
It will make you popular and attract a larger group of friends. Eventually one will be a dentist. You could casually mention to him the kid’s braces thing over a bottle of Barrollo and he’d look after it for you.
You could always take the short road to a humidor and point out to your wife that crooked teeth build character.
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
You’re right that the walk-in humidor has made me more popular. It’s perfect when we host parties to have a quiet place to get away and talk about how unreasonable my wife is being.
She's a Maineiac
February 21, 2012
By the looks of that monkey, does he really need a pointy stick? I would think his soulless eyes and the straight-from-the-pits-of-hell hissing would be more than enough to keep her away from your humidor.
(and this post was hysterical, but I bet you already knew that or maybe you are being dead serious, I can never tell)
artjen1971
February 21, 2012
You forgot the solid gold house and rocket car.
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
I did come close to buying a solid gold rocket house.
artjen1971
February 21, 2012
Wow! Even better! You should’ve…
susielindau
February 21, 2012
Timing is everything….
That vampire monkey is going to give me nightmares!
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
Hopefully he’ll feature prominently in your nightmares every time you’re dreaming of stealing my cigar stash or wearing wet clothes into my humidor.
susielindau
February 21, 2012
I am sure that he will since I often wear wet clothes in my own humidor…
pegoleg
February 21, 2012
How about The Solid Gold Dancers to entertain you in your cigar bidet? Didn’t Britney Spears used to be one of them? (Or J Lo or Paula Abdul. One of those.)
Spectra
February 21, 2012
You’ll be much more attractive to Olivia Newton John with that walk-in humidor, and everyone knows Zooey Deschanel can’t resist a Capucin monkey. These aren’t luxuries – they’re essentials.
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
I’m not sure either of those arguments will carry much water with Mrs. Greatsby.
Rob Rubin
February 21, 2012
What? You don’t have a secret Cigar Afficinado American Express card?
Adrienne schmadrienne
February 21, 2012
If you’re interested, I know someone who can train monkeys. They have been trained to carry automatic weapons and guard sacks of cash. If she can train them to shoot and maintain these weapons AND guard the dough, I’m sure she could help you. For a small fee of course.
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
Actually, I am interested. Very interested.
When you say small fee, does that mean small in dollar value or does that mean literally small as in it can’t be seen with the naked eye?
Adrienne schmadrienne
February 22, 2012
She’s got a monkey guy but he’s in Belize (where she’s hiding her truck loads of money) so it might be a logistical nightmare to get that breed line of monkey to you.
But hey, it’s a walk-in humidor with guard monkeys. Spend the money! A tooth gap is a quality attribute. Or wooden teeth
thelifeofjamie
February 21, 2012
Crooked teeth are a conversation starter…unless you’re in England and then they are just the norm. Imagine 10 years down the line and Optimus Prime is drinking with his buddies at a frat party and they start making fun of his chompers- he can say- my dad would rather have a humidor protected by a braces wearing monkey than for me to have straight teeth. He will instantly become the most interesting person in the room!
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
I like your angle. I’m going to stop trying to defend myself and instead make the case for the whole experience being character-building.
gojulesgo
February 21, 2012
Did you ever see “The Beach” with Leonardo DiCaprio? They’re also very good at guarding pot.
That scene was terrifying. Almost as terrifying as the fact that I think I watched that movie at least 12 times.
gojulesgo
February 21, 2012
Boo – that was supposed to be a reply to Adrienne. GG, forget the braces, you need to buy a new Comments section. 😉
Annie
February 21, 2012
Braces can be so painful. You’d be doing your son a favor by spending the money on the humidor. Crooked teeth look cool when smoking a cigar…I think. Maybe not.
The Good Greatsby
February 21, 2012
You’ve given me all the permission I need to insist he’d be happier with crooked teeth than having braces.
Audrey
February 21, 2012
With all these humidors stacking up, you might as well through a couple more smoking jackets – one for each day of the week.
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2012
You’re right. Although I’m not sure she’s going to like that purchase either.
joehoover
February 22, 2012
Megatron’s not gonna feel put out that they’re not guarding the humidor?
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2012
I can’t trust Megatron’s loyalty if she has to choose between me and my wife.
joehoover
February 22, 2012
Of course, and they have their own motives aswell, not to be trusted
PCC Advantage
February 22, 2012
You also can’t buy a new mistress.
Well…maybe you could.
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2012
I’m pretty sure my wife would consider buying a mistress as going too far.
mistyslaws
February 22, 2012
I think you should buy it. Then you won’t need any mistresses. Just a new wife. Less confusing that way, anyway. Keeping all those braces wearing mistresses and “maids” straight had to have been a logistical nightmare, I imagine.
Lily
February 22, 2012
Hahah this was great! Capuchin monkeys seem like loyal friends.
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2012
It seems like just about anything you feed becomes a loyal friend. Except cats.
Dana
February 22, 2012
Maybe you could rig something up with the backpack humidor? Have your kids take it to school and sell cigars to their classmates and teachers for a handsome profit. Not only will you be encouraging entrepreneurship in them, but they might also be able to earn enough cash to pay for their own braces. In time.
the master
February 22, 2012
Getting braces for your children has always struck me as rather decadent step, given that there are cheaper but equally effective methods. For example, doors have a proven track record for removing teeth, but are just as good at correcting misaligned teeth (trust me, I’m English). The trick is to start at a fairly low degree of force, say light finger pressure, and gradually increase it. If doors are at a premium the same technique can be employed with hammers, boots, fists, tortoises, etc. Obviously this technique is not without risk, and can easily incur damage to the door/hammer/boot/fist/tortoise. In which case you may consider simply breaking the child’s thumb so they can’t suck them. Along with the other digits, just to be safe.
Of course, this is all assuming you mean braces as in tooth correcting-aids, as opposed to trouser-holding aids. If that’s the case then they’re still pretty decadent, given the availability of string or renewable resources like human hair.
pattisj
February 22, 2012
I have a feeling you’d be living in your walk-in humidor.
skippingstones
February 22, 2012
A smoking jacket for your capuchin monkey.
The Good Greatsby
February 22, 2012
He’ll need something to protect his everyday clothes from ash and becoming to smokey.
Lunar Euphoria
February 22, 2012
What if you consolidated by bringing home a braces-sporting, humidor backpack-wearing capuchin monkey trained to be the maid for your mistress’s children? Surely she would see the value in that.
Laura
February 22, 2012
I’m so sorry that you can’t afford to buy a humidor for your mistress’s children. It just breaks my heart to think that those poor innocent children aren’t being stored at ideal temperature and humidity levels.
lakeeffectblog
February 24, 2012
You could always try hiring a Capuchin Monk. They’re avowed pacifists, but they’ll work for free.
The Good Greatsby
February 24, 2012
I’m not sure whether I trust a pacifist monkey to protect my humidor from attackers.
Steve
February 24, 2012
Ugh this post is just SO true!
ajg
February 26, 2012
Did you do this photoshopping?? Or “Gimping”? If so, you’re getting pretty good!
HoaiPhai
February 29, 2012
A little off topic here but as long as we are talking about those special little somethings we buy ourselves just to say how much we care, you wouldn’t happen to be able to put me in contact with someone who could sell me a self-adhesive gold leaf Chinglish inspirational saying for my bidet?
Carl D'Agostino
February 29, 2012
Yeah, if you pull any of that stuff you will need braces – about the head, neck and shoulders.
El Guapo
March 1, 2012
I have to ask: How does one dispose of cigar butts in a bidet?
And is the walk in Humidor equipped to handle humidity changes depending on whether the bidet is running or not?