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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Muy Caliente! Tips for Adding Spice to Your Marriage
A friend sent me an article on 7 Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage with the suggestion it might make a good blog post, although it’s also possible she sent it at my wife’s request. My wife and I don’t need any help in the spice department. If anything, my marriage has too much spice. […]
Posted in: Advice
Why Doesn’t Everyone Like Me as Much as LinkedIn?
November 8, 2011
Dear LinkedIn, How have I suddenly become so popular, so connected, so linked in? Every day I get another email inviting me to join someone’s network on LinkedIn. All of a sudden I’m Mr. Popular even though I can’t remember the last time anyone ever invited me to a party without first asking if my wife […]
Posted in: Columns
Justin Bieber Takes Paternity Test; Also Geography Test
November 7, 2011
Tween fans of sixteen-year-old singer, heartthrob, and fake glasses wearer, Justin Bieber, were devastated to learn he had been sued for paternity last week. Bieber claims he’s never met his accuser and yesterday agreed to take a paternity test contingent on his mom lending him her car once his chores are all finished. I immediately […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Chinglish Sweat
November 6, 2011
When I finish my workouts, there’s only one drink that can quench my thirst: When you’re feeling hot and sweaty, doesn’t it make sense to replace all that sweat by drinking Pocari Sweat? As I get older, I find myself increasingly out of touch with the hip new lingo kids are using like on the […]
Posted in: Chinglish
Saturday Platter
November 5, 2011
When the kids were considering Halloween costumes, The Fonz wished Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak existed so he could go as the invisible man. I told him I’d actually read a story about scientists developing an invisibility cloak and he grew excited. “How much does it cost?” “It’s not for sale. It’s just an experiment.” “Where […]
Posted in: Columns
Friday Love Letters: Dear Zooey Deschanel, Part Two
November 4, 2011
Dear Zooey, On Wednesday, I should have guessed something was amiss when my wife asked me not to use the Internet all day for my own safety because she warned the Internet might be haunted. When I finally did try and use the Internet, I found the router had been doused in water. The entire […]
Posted in: Love Letters
The Take a Sip Punctuation
November 3, 2011
In comedy, there are many differences between the written and the spoken word. One of my favorite kinds of humor is the paraprosdokian, a figure of speech where the latter part of the sentence changes what you had expected based on the first part. If there’s one thing I really like about him…I can’t think […]
Posted in: Columns
Dear Good Greatsby Reveals His Fake-itude
November 2, 2011
And today’s question comes from The Daily Retort‘s Tor Constantino, who seems to be skeptical of the authenticity of The Good Greatsby’s glasses. Dear G2, Are those prescription glasses you wear in your photos or are they simply the fakey fashion kind to make you look smarter – know what I mean? Some people dress […]
Posted in: Dear Good Greatsby
The Fame Game: 7 Billion Served
November 1, 2011
This morning I read two depressing news stories and saw an even more depressing connection. I don’t want to give you bad news so early in the morning, especially when you may be suffering from a post-Halloween sugar hangover, so allow me to preface the bad news with a cute picture of a tiger and […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Happy Halloween!
October 31, 2011
We decorated our yard for Halloween yesterday, and because most people don’t genuinely fear plastic skeletons and fake cobwebs, I always like to include something that plays on a genuine fear. This year I chose fear of flying: I’m really pleased with how the smoke turned out. The trick-or-treaters will be here any minute, but […]
Posted in: Columns
Chinglish Guts
October 30, 2011
Here’s a new candy bar I just found here in Shanghai, although the packaging on the back is in Korean: Seems like ‘Guts’ would be the perfect candy bar to give out at Halloween. If you’re considering going as Kate Winslet for Halloween, you might be interested in this ‘Magical Plumping Breast Mask’ she appears […]
Posted in: Chinglish
Saturday Hallowiener
October 29, 2011
My seven-year-old son, The Fonz, came downstairs and told his brother, “I just made a book and you can’t read it.” Optimist Prime barely looked up from his book before answering, “Okay.” “It’s full of secrets and you can’t see any of them.” “That’s fine.” “It’s full of secret codes and mysteries. Not even you […]
Posted in: Columns
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