Muy Caliente! Tips for Adding Spice to Your Marriage

A friend sent me an article on 7 Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage with the suggestion it might make a good blog post, although it’s also possible she sent it at my wife’s request.

My wife and I don’t need any help in the spice department.  If anything, my marriage has too much spice.  Take last night for example:

Me: Hey, someone sent me an article on ways to spice up your marriage.
Mrs. GG: What?
Me: I was just reading this article on ways to spice up your marriage.
Mrs. GG: (Louder) What?  Come closer to the stairs, I can’t hear you from the second floor.
Me: (Shouting) I said I read something interesting about ways to spice up your marriage!
Mrs. GG: I said come closer to the stairs.  I didn’t say shout.  You probably woke up the kids.
Me: Should I just come up to the second floor where you are?
Mrs. GG: Not tonight.  I’ve got a headache!  I got an early meeting!  I’m already asleep!

In the words of the Spanish: Muy caliente!

This article outlines ways to add a little excitement to your marriage, but I’m a bit skeptical.

Stop being friends on Facebook—Marriages are already filled with enough banality without constant status updates of each other’s high school reunions.

My wife was way ahead of me on this one because she ignored my repeated friend requests.  She says this is because she just hasn’t had time to sort all her friend requests but how come she’s added so many other people since the time I first sent my request?

Get We-mail—Get an email account specifically for sending each other romantic or flirtatious messages.

I thought my wife and I were already doing this but it turns out I was mistakenly corresponding with those Russian bride spams I mentioned in yesterday’s post.  But I can honestly say the advice works because I’m getting a lot more spice from email interactions with those Russian brides than I am on my regular email account I use to correspond with my wife.

Schedule time for intimacy—You may not be feeling up for it but if you go too long without, your body becomes accustomed to lower and lower levels of testosterone.

Matching lavender shirts can really spice up chore-play.

I called my wife at work but could only get her assistant, who I asked to look at my wife’s schedule to see when she might have time for intimacy.  Her assistant seemed confused, and since she’s Chinese I worried she didn’t understand the word ‘intimacy’ and told her to just write in my wife’s planner: ‘Taking the Last Train to Clarksville’.  She asked how much time she should allot on the schedule for taking the train to Clarksville, but I told her that was way too personal and she should mind her own business.  I hung up and we never managed to schedule our intimacy time.

Postpone that argument–If there’s one fight you always seem to have, agree to take a break from talking about it for three months.

I know this will make a lot of couples jealous, but to be honest, my wife and I rarely argue.  Sometimes we go months and months without arguing.  Or talking.

Use “we” when you fight–and in general–Spouses who use “we,” “our,” and “us,” are better able to resolve conflict than those who use “I,” “me,” and “you.”

I tried this on my wife, but she didn’t seem to appreciate the spirit of it.

Me: We’re sorry we came to our work and hit on our boss.
Mrs. GG: We didn’t hit on our boss.  You came to my work and hit on my boss during a staff meeting.
Me: And we said we were sorry.

Engage in “chore-play”–Couples who do housework together also report having more sex.

I’m a bit skeptical of the data because I figure the couples might be counting sex as a chore.

Tomorrow, Part 2: The Good Greatsby’s suggestions for spicing up your marriage. Feel free to offer your own tips below. It’s very possible I’ll take the best tips for tomorrow’s post and delete your comment to eliminate the evidence.