
And today’s question comes from The Daily Retort‘s Tor Constantino, who seems to be skeptical of the authenticity of The Good Greatsby’s glasses.
Dear G2,
Are those prescription glasses you wear in your photos or are they simply the fakey fashion kind to make you look smarter – know what I mean? Some people dress up to come off as more erudite, by wearing things like…oh I don’t know… a brocaded smoking jacket or holding a pipe – stuff like that. I only ask because I really want to make sure that you really are smart before I ask my question. Thanks.
DumbFounded by Fashion
Dear DumbFounded by Fashion,
First of all, I can confirm the smoking jacket was prescribed by a doctor…me, Dr. Life of the Party, M.D.
On the other hand, the pipe isn’t real, and if you zoom in on the picture you’ll notice it’s actually a half-eaten bran muffin, although the bran muffin was prescribed by a doctor.
One accessory you can’t see in my pictures is that I’m wearing corrective leg braces, which were definitely not prescription and were part of a new look I was trying calling the ‘Erudite Cyborg’ (copyright pending).
I’m also wearing pie tins on my feet to make me sound more intimidating when I approach.
My hair is also fake in the sense that I paid a stylist to artificially cut its length and shape it into a pattern most suitable for my head shape. Every morning it must be
artificially restyled into an unnatural state, and the most shameful thing is that I can’t even do this myself but have employed my wife to reshape it, often in overly flamboyant styles she knows will make women assume I’m gay and leave me alone.
My words can also be a bit fake. Sometimes I say, “I couldn’t care less,” but when I think about it I realize I probably could care less if I really set my mind to it, and this makes me feel guilty.
Most of my anecdotes are fake. They did in fact happen, just not to me, and were stolen from the much more interesting lives of the Beatles, Cart Grant, and Harry Potter.
Sometimes when I tell someone, “It’s great to see you,” I really mean, “I’m neutral on seeing you, but I’m sure glad you brought your girlfriend.”
I understand it’s very common to wear fake glasses to try and appear smarter, and this may be frustrating to people who actually need glasses and feel looking smarter is the trade biology gave them for bad eyesight, but I’m not sure the glasses actually make me look any more intelligent anyway. If I look back at all the jobs I’ve ever had–and I would assume I got those jobs because I made an impression of competence and intelligence–I always had more success when I wasn’t wearing glasses, or even a shirt, but was actually only wearing a swimsuit.
Now before I answer your question about the glasses so you can decide whether I’m truly smart or just pretending to be smart, allow me to ask: If you need someone smart to solve your problem, and I assume you mean someone smarter than you or you would have solved the problem already, are you sure you’d be smart enough to recognize this someone smarter than you?
Submit your questions on the Dear Good Greatsby page.
Spectra
November 2, 2011
I was just wondering, does your insurance fill prescriptions for smoking jackets? And if so, what kind of co-pay are we talkin’?
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2011
I’ve never encountered a plan that will pay for a smoking jacket; it seems for some reason health insurance companies associate smoking jackets with smoking.
joehoover
November 2, 2011
Is Bieber wearing the ones without lenses? I can’t abide this current trend, mocking us who need glasses
At least it’s easier to poke their eyes out with a pointed stick.
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2011
Everyone knows if you wear the fake glasses, you’ve got to wear the lenses so you can claim you’re wearing fake glasses as a defense against poking your eyes out.
torcon1
November 2, 2011
Clearly, your performance-enhancing prescriptions have served you well on all fronts. Although, I wonder if the prescribed smoking jacket is the “extra strength” formulation or merely some Asiatic generic knockoff.
Regardless, you’ve once again proven your mental acumen and are definitely smarter than me. With that, I have a truly vexing question that demands your immediate, full cogitative capacity. In fact, the economic survival of humanity hinges upon your answer.
My critical world-changing question is….ohhh, lookey there’s a butterfly….
charlywalker
November 2, 2011
You and Bieber differ immensely………Bieber has no talent….
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2011
You’re too kind. If only my talent had been rewarded with $52 million last year.
bigsheepcommunications
November 2, 2011
Easy on those bran muffins…
thoughtsappear
November 2, 2011
And to think all this time I’ve been swapping out my contacts for glasses when I have interviews when I could have just worn a swimsuit. What if I wear a swimsuit and glasses? Too much?
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2011
Are you interviewing as an accountant at a water park?
Kathryn McCullough
November 2, 2011
Okay, I can top this sartorial trick–my mother wears clothes pins to appear smarter–sort of. Check out a post called “Memory Mining Via Haute Couture” for proof of my mother’s fashion accessory sense.
http://reinventingtheeventhorizon.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/memory-mining-via-haute-couture/
Tori Nelson
November 2, 2011
Dr. Life of The Party, I got a little attached to the fake glasses that came with my Where’s Wendy? costume. I’d like to wear them out in public but am terrified that someone will realize they are plastic. Question: Do people who genuinely need glasses make a habit of swatting people’s hands away if they try to touch their real, prescription, glass-lens-and-all glasses?
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2011
I bet if you also wore your Where’s Wendy ski cap, nobody would even look at the plastic glasses.
I don’t know how common it is for people to reach out and grab someone’s glasses off their face. This rarely happens to me because people have heard if I see hands coming towards my face, I assume they intend to strangle me, and I take defensive action.
Lenore Diane
November 2, 2011
“Dr. Life of the Party, M.D….”
Did you really type that, Dr. Life of the Party, MD?
By the way … your bifocals are showing.
The Good Greatsby
November 2, 2011
I only typed it if you thought it was funny. If not, my wife sometimes sneaks onto my computer and changes lines to make me look bad.
pegoleg
November 2, 2011
I think you should have asked to see if Mr. TorCon had a prescription for his “about to break into original poetry” glasses, before dignifying his question with a response.
torcon1
November 3, 2011
I prefer to call them “Ben Franklin spectacles” 😉
thelifeofjamie
November 2, 2011
I vote fake…your head isn’t two different sizes when you look into the lenses. If you look into my glasses, my head is significantly smaller which means I am close to blind. I could strap two coke bottles to my head and see great!
gerknoop
November 2, 2011
I think you look a little like Paul Rudd w/out your glasses. Maybe you really “are” Paul Rudd and not Paul Johnson?
The Good Greatsby
November 3, 2011
My wife loves Paul Rudd; I’m going to try and play up that angle.
Amy
November 3, 2011
I always thought people looked smart when they took the glasses off and thoughtfully chewed on the little plastic bit that rests behind the ear.
Wanna know how I know you’re smart? Cause you make up your own words, like “fake-itude.”
The Good Greatsby
November 3, 2011
I can’t be bound by the limitations of the existing dictionary.
John Erickson
November 3, 2011
Your pipe is really a bran muffin? How do you keep it lit? Mine don’t burn so well – at least, not once I take them out of the oven….
The Good Greatsby
November 3, 2011
I don’t actually smoke the bran muffins. I just make them look like pipes so the kids will want them because kids always think smoking is cool.
Laura
November 3, 2011
Do you give muffin-carving classes? That pipe sculpture is amazing.
pattisj
November 3, 2011
Your wife does a good job with your hair. Are a smoking jacket and a strait-jacket the same thing?
The Good Greatsby
November 3, 2011
If I’m ever institutionalized, I’m going to ask if I can design my own straight-jacket.
ichoosehappynow
November 3, 2011
That Justin B photo has a striking resemblance to you! Love the glasses. I also accessorize so that I get the more intelligent look….
Some how it doesn’t have the same effect with me!
Thanks for the great laugh.
Cheers,
Louise
Binky
November 3, 2011
Some people wear fake glasses to look smarter? Unbelievable! My glasses are real, BTW.
The Good Greatsby
November 3, 2011
Those glasses may be real, but what about your head and torso?
derekberry
November 7, 2011
I wear fake glasses to take the SAT, because they make me feel smarter.