Browsing All posts tagged under »Zooey Deschanel«

The Only Thing I Ever Wanted

June 5, 2013

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When I look back on my life, I never really cared about fame or money. All I really wanted was to be loved. Loved by someone with a lot of fame and money. And if I became famous and rich as a result of being loved by that someone, I guess I would accept those […]

Dear Game of Thrones, Season 3: Please Don’t Suck

March 29, 2013

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Dear Game of Thrones, Season 3, Please don’t suck. I’ve been let down by television before, and I don’t think I could bear getting hurt again. Lately, I’ve felt television has been taking advantage of our relationship, violating our agreement that it would provide me with mindless escapism in exchange for me ignoring my family […]

My Plot to Meet Zooey Deschanel or Zoey Deschanel

March 16, 2012

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As part of my ongoing campaign to meet Zooey Deschanel and trick her into falling in love with me, I’ve been trying to acquire the domain name zoeydeschanel.com. Here’s my strategy: 1. Buy the domain zoeydeschanel.com. 2. Find a woman named Zoey Deschanel and promote her webpage until she’s bigger than the original Zooey Deschanel. […]

And That’s a Wrap

December 31, 2011

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It’s been a great year and I’m going to hate to see it go. I appeared in three plays: Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night; A Minor Case of Murder which I also wrote and co-directed; and Drift which we took to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. My wife considered all three plays to be successes because none of […]

Chinglish Fluctuation

November 13, 2011

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My friend Andrew took this picture at a local museum as he was about to take the stairs: Back in my day, we were content with traditional stairs and nobody would have even considered the idea of messing with a design that’s been working for thousands of years.  Now kids today demand fancy fluctuation stairs […]

Why Doesn’t Everyone Like Me as Much as LinkedIn?

November 8, 2011

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Dear LinkedIn, How have I suddenly become so popular, so connected, so linked in? Every day I get another email inviting me to join someone’s network on LinkedIn.  All of a sudden I’m Mr. Popular even though I can’t remember the last time anyone ever invited me to a party without first asking if my wife […]

Friday Love Letters: Dear Zooey Deschanel, Part Two

November 4, 2011

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Dear Zooey, On Wednesday, I should have guessed something was amiss when my wife asked me not to use the Internet all day for my own safety because she warned the Internet might be haunted. When I finally did try and use the Internet, I found the router had been doused in water. The entire […]

Friday Love Letters: Dear Zooey Deschanel

August 19, 2011

31

In the next week I’ll particpate in drafts for both of my fantasy football leagues.  Last year I consistently struggled to find consistent running back production, so I’ll still probably use my first two picks on RBs, although I don’t see a lot of depth at the position, and I wonder how the prolonged holdout of […]