Why Doesn’t Everyone Like Me as Much as LinkedIn?

Posted on November 8, 2011


Dear LinkedIn,

How have I suddenly become so popular, so connected, so linked in?

Every day I get another email inviting me to join someone’s network on LinkedIn.  All of a sudden I’m Mr. Popular even though I can’t remember the last time anyone ever invited me to a party without first asking if my wife would also be coming, and if she would also bring food.  If I answer no to either of these questions, I’m usually told the

I never get invited to parties, even with my smoking jacket and eye patch.

actual date and time of the party are in flux and will be selected once the dates I can’t attend have been finalized.

I don’t recognize any of the names of the people who want me to join their network on LinkedIn.  My wife says these are all people I’ve met dozens of times, and maybe if I were the type of person who remembered these names I’d also be the type of person who got invited to parties.

Are we definite LinkedIn is a real website and not a giant spam scam?  My spike in LinkedIn invitations seems to correlate with a spike in my Russian dating site invitations, although Mrs. Good Greatsby says the Russian bride spams only increased because I made the mistake of replying to the emails.

I know I shouldn’t have been duped by the email below, but she sounded so sincere and I didn’t want to break her heart:

Hey – why do I stop writing? “I very much waited your letter – every day, I now have
a website, come to my page and write to me at last, I’m waiting for you, and I want
to meet with you, kisses – Nadia from Russia!

I did not remember this woman and my reply was meant to let her down as gently as possible:

Dear Nadia from Russia!
I don’t remember a Nadia from Russia, although I do remember a Nate from Reno. I’m not great with names, so it’s possible you said Nadia from Russia and I misheard.  Regardless, Nadia/Nate, I’m sorry if I somehow gave you the wrong idea of my intentions.  I’m happily married, and have no plans to visit Russia or Reno in the near future, although my plans might change if you sent me a picture.
Todd (I always use my friend Todd’s name when replying to these because he’s not married or worth stalking and has less to lose.)

It’s flattering to hear so many people want to be part of my network or want to marry me so they can gain American citizenship and kill me in my sleep.

It’s nice to hear some people like me because I’m sure plenty of people don’t.  All the greatest geniuses had enemies.

Also, all the greatest idiots.

I decided many years ago to live my life according to a core set of values.  I wrote these down, and I review them each day, hoping they’ll help me be a good person, achieve success, and make Zooey Deschanel fall in love with me.  I never cared whether people liked me or not…until I started to suspect they didn’t.  What’s not to like about me?  I’m very likeable.

I always remember to bring my own cloth bags to the grocery store.  Actually, my wife is the one who brings the bags, but I’m very good at remembering to bring my wife to the grocery store.

I’m above average at guessing heads or tails with a success rate of 53% correct and a margin of error of 5%.

If I enter a restaurant when it’s raining and the rain has stopped by the time I leave, I always forget my umbrella and I like to think the one hundred umbrellas I’ve lost in the last decade have been found by the needy or the wet and are a form of charity, both to the finders of those umbrellas as well as to those workers in the umbrella industry.

I’ve never killed anybody.

What’s not to like?  Why can’t everyone share the good taste of all my new LinkedIn friends and those Russian brides?

Posted in: Columns