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Paul Johnson's comedy blog: I didn't get into comedy to be rich or famous. All I've ever wanted was to be loved…by somebody rich and famous.
Dr. Morality
I’m willing to listen to my doctor when he limits his advice to health issues. But I bristle when he begins giving me unsolicited counsel on morality! Who gave him the moral authority to call one cholesterol ‘good’ and another cholesterol ‘bad’? Isn’t that for God to decide?
Posted in: Random Humor
The Mysterious Mystery of the Mysterious Nephew
March 11, 2011
My favorite Aunt Susan left a comment in the About Paul section that must rank as the coolest description of me I’m ever likely to hear. She recommends me, but in an effort to be unbiased and honest qualifies her recommendation like she’s trying to make up her mind about me as well. Somehow, the […]
Posted in: Columns
My Genius Cat Megatron
March 10, 2011
Eventually, every pet owner faces the ethical question: How much is my pet worth to me? If the veterinarian says $75, I don’t hesitate to pay. If she says $1,200 in order to prolong life for a year, I need to think about it. If she suggests an extremely experimental human-to-cat kidney transplant–well, that’s going […]
Posted in: Columns
America’s Wealthy Join Forces to Taunt Homeless
March 9, 2011
The picture is from National Geographic’s article about a team of scientists recreating the scene from the cartoon Up, where a bouquet of balloons lifts a house upwards into the sky. When I first saw the picture, I was hoping for a more exciting headline. I would have been satisfied with any of these: America’s […]
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
How to Tease Your Kids
March 8, 2011
My wife said I can’t tease the kids anymore. I use the word anymore as though it used to be okay to tease and now it isn’t, but in reality she’s always said not to, only now I think she really means it. It seems the kids were having trouble in school for a long […]
BREAKING NEWS!!!: Charlie Sheen, Mark Cuban talk about ‘things’
March 7, 2011
Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks, is in talks with Charlie Sheen on a potential new show for his network HDNet. Mark Cuban gave no hints as to the show’s premise, but might Cuban be giving us a clue through his riveting use of the word ‘things’?
Posted in: Breaking News Fixed
Big government versus limited government
March 6, 2011
I’ve heard some very persuasive arguments against big government. But I’ve also heard great counter-arguments touting the government’s ability to regulate more efficiently and with more transparency than private enterprise. But can’t all political parties come together to find common ground and agree that some branch of government must get involved and stop Vin Diesel […]
Posted in: Random Humor
You will have fun on your vacation…or else!
March 5, 2011
I was struck by the serious, no-nonsense expressions on these representatives of a vacation home rental service, and the following thoughts came to mind: 1. “We had so much fun working together as CIA interrogators, it seemed only natural to start a business together in the hospitality industry!” 2. Survey from a Satisfied Customer: “The […]
Posted in: Random Humor
How to Meet Men
March 4, 2011
Hey ladies, having trouble meeting men? Did you know if you borrow money and refuse to repay it, men will come right to your door?
Posted in: Random Humor
Good News!
March 3, 2011
Whenever we attend a family get-together and somebody says they have good news to share, my wife and I shout out, “We’re getting a divorce!” The rest of the evening is spent trying to talk us out of it and always ends with us agreeing to maybe give it one more chance. On the way […]
Posted in: Short-Sleeve Stories
The Case of Klipspringer’s Shoes–Part 3 of 3
March 3, 2011
What if Fitzgerald had written a total of 10 chapters instead of 9? What if he’d originally shown his editor an alternative chapter 6 with more scenes of Gatsby and Daisy as a couple, but set to a groan-inducing sub-plot–like a visit from Nick’s adorable tow-headed cousin Lil’ Oliver, and you would not believe the […]
Posted in: Columns
The Case of Klipspringer’s Shoes–Part 2 of 3
March 2, 2011
When I’m reading an all-time great like Gatsby for the second or third time, I begin to imagine what the first draft of the story looked like when the author submitted it to his editor for review. What if the author purposely inserted an undeniably awful sub-plot or chapter to gauge if the editor had […]
Posted in: Columns
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