My wife said I can’t tease the kids anymore.
I use the word anymore as though it used to be okay to tease and now it isn’t, but in reality she’s always said not to, only now I think she really means it.
It seems the kids were having trouble in school for a long list of problems she tried to pin on me. For example, I encouraged one son to cite a fake encyclopedia (John Hodgman’s The Areas of My Expertise) in a book report on America’s secret 51st state (I was trying to teach him a lesson about sources). Also, other kids were teasing them because of the way they went to the bathroom (I’d told them as toddlers to raise their hands straight up in the air every time they went pee in order to open the body’s pee hatch). How was I supposed to know they were still peeing like that all these years later? I haven’t seen them pee in years.
She also blames their poor sleep habits on my bedtime story trilogy:
- Air Sharks–about sharks that can fly through windows.
- A Hug from Johnny Blanketo–about an escaped convict who looks like a blanket.
- The Pillow That Ate Heads–about, well, I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say a pillow that eats heads is featured prominently.
I can only answer her thus, “If I’d known I couldn’t tease the kids, I wouldn’t have had any!”
“Necessity is the mother of invention,” said Plato, a saying he invented out of the necessity to win a best new sayings contest, and the need to tease more covertly has forced me to adapt my teasing tactics. I prefer satirical teasing, citing a seemingly outlandish fact with a straight face and a sprinkling of idiosyncrasies that convince the listener it just might be true, but my wife and kids are trained to see these coming a mile away. Now I’m experimenting with the bait-and-switch:
1.
Dad: Hey Fonz, you got a phone call while you were outside playing.
Fonz: Who was it?
Dad: You know Chloe, that cute girl from class you’re always talking about?
Fonz: (Excited) Yeah!
Dad: Your friend Jeffrey called to see if you had her number.
2.
Fonz: Dad, I’m bored. I wish I had something to do.
Dad: Well, hmm…something to do…do you like playing video games?
Fonz: (Excited) Yeah!
Dad: Why don’t you write an essay listing all the reasons you love video games?
3.
Dad: Do you want some candy?
Fonz: (Excited) Yeah!
Dad: Me, too. I’d eat it all the time if it weren’t bad for you. If you do well in school, maybe you can grow up to be the scientist who creates healthy candy. Why don’t you go do some studying right now?
Though the bait-and-switch is better than no teasing at all, I feel I’m wasting my gifts. I’ll keep working on it.
In closing, all I can do is ask the reader, would you like to get paid for sharing this blog post with others?
Me, too. Please leave your ideas regarding whom we could trick into paying us in the comments below.
marryin'thelibrarian
March 8, 2011
I think we can probably get Andrew to pay us something. I’m not sure how yet, but I’m thinking about attaching a retroactive friendship and matchmaker fee to the RSS through some sort of magical time warp.
Speeder
March 9, 2011
I am seriously worried for your children. Is there a Foster Care Program where you live? Some “real” family experiences might be able to save them before it is too late. i.e. street savy, buying recreational items from friends, maximizing income from the government, etc. Your misguided advice may not prepare them for the world “out there”.
modestypress
March 9, 2011
Obviously, you and I are twin brothers separated at birth. I got into great deal of trouble teasig my daughter when she was a little girl. I told her the teasing was for her own good, teaching her to be wary of mean and deceitful people as she grew older.
That she now visits me and allows me to visit my granddaughter shows had badly I failed.
By the way, as your are my sep-at-birther twin, you are eligible for half of the $4,379,212,157.00 fortune I inherited from my fairy godmother. Please send me your ss number and ba number so I can deposit your share of the inheritance into your bank account.
The Good Greatsby
March 9, 2011
I also tell my kids my teasing them is part of a strategic plan to teach them a lesson, although every time they ask me to explain the lesson I give a different explanation. This week I said the lesson was tolerance (not necessarily racial or religious or lifestyle tolerance but more so tolerance of obnoxious people like me).
KenBroad
March 9, 2011
We need to form a club (or at least a support group) for this!
The children of my family know better then to ask me things (grown up too) because of some of the stories I’ve told. I once convinced a co-worked that aircraft made more left turns on approach for landing to explain why there were more screws in the left wingtip then the right one that was being installed.
As for getting paid, please ignore the above comment in favor of sending me your banking info so that we can share the billions of dollars I’m trying to get out of the tiny country of Freedonia from my family trust fund.
The Good Greatsby
March 12, 2011
I’ve been trying to send you my banking information, but my bank says first they need you to wire me $2,000 as part of a process called reverse wire identification tag back. The $2,000 wire from you will be immediately returned with an extra $5,000 from me to cover any expenses that may arise from the transfer of the billions out of Freedonia.
jesselunsford
March 9, 2011
I am relieved that you have made this post and now I know that I am not the only one. I always assumed that I was alone in my picking on the kids “for their own good” (translated to read: for my enjoyment). I’ve always used songs to teach my kids the states and presidents and counting in foreign languages and such. The way I see it, if I’m going to all that trouble, I have to throw a little something in there to amuse myself too. Keep up the good work. Life s way too short to be serious all the time.
unpaidlabour
March 10, 2011
Your kids sure do excitedly yell ‘Yeah!’ a lot. I can see why you’re withholding candy.
The Good Greatsby
March 12, 2011
Now that you mention it, they do yell ‘Yeah!’ a lot, even when they’re told we’re taking them for vaccinations.
J
March 11, 2011
I must say I was about a 1/4 of the way into this post and already started thinking of my mother. This is just great 🙂
I can’t wait to have kids to tease!
The Good Greatsby
March 11, 2011
If you don’t have kids yet, it’s important to make sure your spouse is also committed to teasing or it may cause conflict later. If she’s anti-teasing, the marriage still might work as long as she takes no day-to-day interest in the kids.
MarkH
March 11, 2011
I can only comment on how I interact with my 5 year old nephew since my kids are technically still separated in half and residing in my and my wife’s loins.
I like to tell him he’s smart, cool, fun, and a boy and then mutter “stupid kid” as I walk away knowing that he might actually believe what I told him.
the master
March 12, 2011
I absolutely believe as a non-parent that teasing/wilful misinformation is a vital part of child rearing, and will stand by that should I ever decide to have kids myself. It serves the same purpose as Santa Claus, i.e. teaching them not to take everything at face value, while at the same time allowing you to be a bit more creative.
A small selection of the things I’ve told my niece and nephews:
1: I told my niece that I was part of the real-life team that inspired the film Ghostbusters.
2: I told her brother that he was two years older than his actual age.
3: I told my brother’s little boy that there was a real-life troll living in their cellar.
4: I told the same boy that everyone goes blind for a year when they’re 10 (he’s 9).
5. I also tried to get the same boy to ask his Sunday School teacher who Richard Dawkins was.
Sadly, I think they’re all getting wise to me now.
c
March 13, 2011
This was a great post. Loved it.
gojulesgo
April 13, 2011
You are quite good at citing seemingly outlandish facts with a straight face. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if you even have kids.
The Good Greatsby
April 13, 2011
I do have difficulty getting my kids to believe me any time I say something serious.